Become Aware of Messages Which Affect You! Don’t Let Them Harm Your Relationships

There are many messages you have UNCONSCIOUSLY internalized while growing up, which drive you to behave in self-sabotaging ways with your partners.

DANNY (Example 1)

Nathalie accuses Danny of not expressing his love for her. He doesn’t hug her; he doesn’t tell her that he loves her. She claims that he treats her like just another object in the house. This annoys Danny: he buys her lots of gifts – bracelets, earrings, necklaces, rings. Isn’t that enough for her?

EXPLANATION

Danny’s father was always telling him that “money is the most important thing”. He also saw his father bringing presents to his mother, internalizing the idea that love is shown by gifts. He doesn't know to express love in any other way, neither with Nathalie and doubtlessly nor with his previous partners.

MESSAGES YOU ARE AFFECTED BY

Like Danny, you too are probably affected by messages you internalized during childhood. If, for example, you grew up in a home in which your parents constantly argued; in which you saw them avoiding one another; in which there was always a tense atmosphere, you are liable, unconsciously, to internalize messages such as:

* “Relationships should be avoided.”
* “Relationships cause frustration and lack of satisfaction.”
* “Relationships mean fights and conflicts.”

Messages like these affect the beliefs and perceptions that you develop about relationships. As a result, you may avoid relationships altogether or enter ones with the (unconscious) belief that they will cause you frustration; will force you into friction; and anyhow won’t last.

MESSAGES AND FEARS ARE SOMETIMES CONNECTED TO ONE ANOTHER AND IMPACT EACH OTHER

JONATHAN (Example 2)

Jonathan has a fixed behavioral pattern with women: courting – enthusiasm – escape. He doesn’t stay in any relationship more than three months, even though he claims that he wants an intimate, long-term bond. Whenever he meets someone new, he gets very excited at first but soon begins distancing himself from his partner and intensely begins to seek a new one.

THE CONNECTION BETWEEN UNCONSCIOUS MESSAGES AND FEARS (Explanation):

* Jonathan may have grown up in a home in which his parents’ relationship wasn’t good. He unconsciously internalized the message: “Be wary of relationships – they’re NOT good”.
* He may have heard one of his parents saying: “Think twice before making a commitment”; “Once you make a commitment, there’s no going back”. So Jonathan is AFRAID OF GETTING INTO A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
* He may have heard his parents talking about his “wild” single aunt and what a great life she had. He’s afraid that if he gets into a relationship, he won’t have a wonderful life.
* He may have heard his father complain that he never got ahead professionally because of his commitment to his family. He’s afraid that a relationship will preclude professional success.

If Jonathan will take the time to develop Self-awareness he will become able to identify which unconscious messages affect his perceptions, beliefs and fears about relationships, neutralize their power and become empowered to develop a relationship out of strength, being able to finally cultivate a healthy and satisfying bond, and stay with his partner.

FINDING OUT WHICH MESSAGES AFFECT YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

If you are motivated to find out which messages control your attitudes, feelings, belief-system, reactions and behaviors in and about relationships, and the fears associated with them, you can do so by taking the steps to develop your Self-Awareness. The insights you will arrive at will enable you to cultivate the relationship you desire.