For quite some time, someone may have been able to see that they have been with a number of people that were not available. If so, this is likely to be something that has caused them to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration.

But, as they are going to want to experience a deeper connection with another person and this won’t have taken place, this is to be expected. They could be at the stage where they wonder if this area of their life will ever change.

The Next Phase

After a little while, however, what they might soon see is that they are playing a part in why they have continually ended up with people that are like this. To their surprise, they could find that they don’t feel comfortable getting too close to another person.

Therefore, it won’t be that they just happen to end up with people like this; it is that this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. What might have allowed them to realise this is that they may have met someone who is different to the other people that they have previously been with.

For Example

If so, this person is likely to be more available than the others and thus, they might have opened up more to them. Thanks to this, they will have gotten closer to them than they will have to anyone else.

This might have caused them to feel uncomfortable and gradually pull away. They would then have experienced what they said they wanted but it would have been too much for them to handle.

A Strange Situation

Before long, their time with this person is likely to come to an end, with them ending up back there were before. After they have settled down, they could wonder why they were unable to receive what it is that they have wanted for so long.

On the plus side, at least they will be able to see what is going on ‘out there’ is not the reason why their life is this way. Still, if they felt powerless when it came to being able to meet someone who is available, they could now feel powerless when it comes to being able to maintain a relationship with someone who is available.

What’s going on?

With that aside, keeping people at distance will feel comfortable to a big part of them. When someone gets closer to them, not just physically but also emotionally, this will cause them to experience a lot of inner pressure.

As a result of this, even if they don’t pull away, they are likely to lose touch with how they feel. If they felt safe in their body and were able to assert themselves if another person did something that they were not comfortable with, they wouldn’t need to experience life in this way.

Going Deeper

If this is how their life has been for as long as they can remember, there is a chance that it is due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when they were deeply wounded.

Throughout this time, one or both of their parents may have physically harmed them, in addition to wounding them in other ways. A stage of their life when they needed to be loved, protected, supported and encouraged, would have been a time when the opposite took place.

Two Options

To handle what was going on, they would have had to shut down and become an unfeeling human being. Keeping their distance from their parent or parents and even isolating themselves might have also taken place.

As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to defend themselves or leave home. Shutting down and losing the ability to feel wouldn’t have stopped them from being harmed but it would have made it easier for them to tolerate what was going on.

The Outcome

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but they still won’t feel safe enough to be in their body and assert themselves. Along with this, the pain and arousal that they experienced all those years ago will still be held inside them.

For them to move forward, they will need to develop a felt sense of safety and security and feel comfortable asserting themselves. A big part of what will allow them to do this will be for them to face and work through the pain inside them.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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