Breast Cancer and Me

Through cancer I learned how to live in my body and how to trust my body’s wisdom. I also learned how to love myself and how to live my authentic life. I am grateful everyday for the learning that continues to unfold and for knowing who I am – even if it did cost me a quarter of my beloved breast.

I could not believe what I was being told. There was no doubt in my mind – until this moment – that it wasn’t cancer. The surgeon went on to tell me when my surgery was scheduled and all I could hear was someone in the far distance talking; saying things I couldn’t hear because my heart was beating so loudly in my ears. I was beyond shocked; I was in a different dimension.

I lay down on the operating table, seemingly without choice, a cancerous tumor called invasive ductal carcinoma grade 2, estrogen positive, progesterone positive, was growing in my right breast. I was cut open…mutilated…a piece of me carved out of my body. Afterwards, I felt numb, staring at the stitches that kept my breast from coming apart. My eyes stung with tears at the full realization of how weak and violated I was.

Of any part of my body I would have reduced, my breasts weren’t on that list. Having my perfect breasts reduced to less than perfect made me doubt myself. Was having surgery the right choice? Had it been my decision? Did I have any other choice? I hated how my breast looked. It didn’t feel like a part of me anymore. Worse, I hated how I felt and I hated that that I didn’t have a clue of what to do not to feel this way.

My husbands’ friend told me breast cancer on the right side means anger and resentment. Who was he to tell me that? It was none of his business; he didn’t even know me. He couldn’t have known how anger lived at the center of my being, the demon inside I tried so hard to keep secret. It lashed out at my husband. It kept me in a constant state of irritability. After years of attempting to rid myself of this negative emotion, anger still had control of me.

It was a hot Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer and I lay in bed crying. I felt weak – in the depths of despair – waiting for the doom of chemo and radiation. Fear at the thought of these treatments sucked the energy out of my body, and terrorized my mind. I didn’t want to be sick…to lose my hair…to have poison injected into my veins. I was terrified it would kill me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know anything! Then, I spoke to someone who had done natural therapy. She advised me about some avenues I could explore and of the alternative therapies that were available. She also told me to get passionate about life. I honestly didn’t know how to get passionate about life but, suddenly, I knew something: I WANTED TO LIVE! Relief spread through my body. I could feel HOPE. After hanging up the phone I bound out of bed, got into the shower, and headed for the organic farm for some fresh vegetables to juice.

Mainstream or alternative? A decision had to be made. Sitting alone in our family room – engulfed by mind numbing indecision – fear pulled at my insides. How do I decide what to do? What if I made the wrong choice? I had a powerful recognition that my body felt strong when I thought of alternative therapies but weak when I thought of chemo and radiation. A strange inner knowing came over me that if I listened to my body it would guide me. It felt right. More than that, it felt like trusting my body’s wisdom could be the best thing that ever happened to me. That is the decision I made; to build my immune system instead of destroying it.

The first three naturopaths I met said they couldn’t help me, because of the stage and type of cancer I had. I was devastated but remained determined. Then I did find a naturopath who I was comfortable with and who could help. I also discovered some other healing modalities that could work in conjunction and, most importantly, resonated with me. I found my healing path.

Exhaustion was a constant companion as I finished my treatments (high doses of Vitamin C dripping into my veins by intravenous). Knowing I was going back to work in a couple of months didn’t help any and caused me a great deal of anxiety. The truth was I hadn’t liked my job for a good many years.

After reading a few books on the law of attraction I began to realize that maybe I could have the life I always wanted. Although, in truth, I didn’t have a clue what that life would be like because I hadn’t dreamed of wished for anything in such a long time. I decided to quit my job. I didn’t know if it was the right decision but it was my decision.

Doubt once again reared its ugly head. Was I really healed? I tried to stay out of the great depression pit that kept attempting to swallow me up ever since my teenage years. Many days I sat and did nothing while my mind raced with thoughts of all the things I should be doing. Some days I cried but mostly I just sat feeling nothing; trying desperately to feel something…anything. I was so empty inside. I had many friends call me almost daily throughout my breast cancer ordeal but I felt utter loneliness. Then came the rage. It started to erupt through my body like a volcano and I couldn’t keep the lid on it anymore. I felt like I was losing my mind as this huge energy came up through me. My body would shake violently with each wave of emotion. I was completely out of control and out of answers. After these episodes, I would cry and feel lost and confused and ashamed.

After some weeks the force of this rage seemed to lessen in intensity. I sat and stared into space, while my arms hung limp at my sides, not saying or doing anything. I didn’t even answer the phone. I gave up the fight, I surrendered.

Then one day I woke up feeling really good. Nothing had changed, I just felt happy – for no reason- for the first time in my life. The feeling stayed. I started going for long walks and would imagine how I wanted my life to be and how I wanted to feel. I didn’t know how or why this shift had happened but I was ready to begin to live my life, not just exist in it.

It was in this state of openness that I heard about a book called The Journey by Brandon Bays. I was listening to a teli-seminar over the internet about cellular healing the story came up of a woman – Brandon – who had, apparently, healed herself from a serious illness. The story immediately grabbed my attention and I was compelled to read the book.

Her story, in so many ways, mirrored my own. She told of the huge energy that shook through her body and how it was through the opening and surrender to these powerful emotions that she found release and healing. This resonated at my very core. My experience over the last year and a half had been a recognition of exactly that. Further, she went on to say that this emotional journey of healing was available to everyone and could be undertaken in a matter of hours through guided processes that had been developed. I eagerly awaited my first Journey Intensive workshop and was not disappointed. It was to be the first step on my path to becoming a Journey practitioner.

Through my Journey work, I learned how my time of torment and grief was in fact what helped heal my body. The fear and doubts were scary because I thought they, in some way, were the illness. In my Journey processes I discovered how to open to these emotions and to welcome them as a part of who I am, and in that to find forgiveness and release. I have been able to release the rage that was exploding to get out and today I wake up happy and free from the chains that kept me bound in my life. The Journey is an integral part of the completion of my healing. I no longer have doubt that I am completely healed and I find myself living life from a level of authenticity that I could only have imagined before.

It is through The Journey that I have also discovered my life’s purpose: to share my story and Journey work. I have learned to love all parts of me, my slightly smaller breast, my scar, my anger, my fears, and I have been able to embrace the feeling of love I have for myself. It isn’t selfish or arrogant to love oneself it is imperative. It is my deepest prayer that we all find the freedom and healing available to all of us and can live from this amazing place of awareness.