After suffering for many, many years, someone may have come to see that they were mistreated during their formative years. Therefore, it is not that they were born this way and/or simply can’t get it together.

No, it is that they were deprived of the love that they needed in order to grow and develop in the right way. One thing that they could struggle to understand, though, is why they were treated so badly.

Two Parts

Along with the part of them that doesn’t understand why this took place, can be another part of them that feels as though they deserved to be treated like they were nothing. However, as strong and convincing as this part can be, it is merely a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric.

As what took place would have been personalised, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to see that their parent or parent’s behaviour had absolutely nothing to do with them. Hearing this is unlikely to change how they feel but it will be important for them to keep this in mind.

The Next Step

After a little while, they can have the need to talk to their parent or parents about their early experiences. They are likely to hope that what they went through will be validated and love will be shown.

Now, assuming that they were to reach out to one parent, this can be a time when what they hope will happen does happen. This parent can listen to what they have to say and be deeply sorry about how they treated them.

A Key Part

Naturally, this won’t change what took place but it will make it easier for them to gradually move on from what they went through. In addition to their experiences being validated, there will be the pain that they will need to work through.

This will be the pain that they experienced as a child and had to repress to be able to handle what was going on. And, if they were essentially tortured throughout this stage of their life, they are likely to carry a lot of pain.

Another Reality

But, while having a parent that behaves in this way will be the ideal, this might not take place. Instead, after reaching out and talking about some of the things that occurred during this stage of their life, they could end up being invalidated and not shown an ounce of remorse.

If so, this parent will make out that their adult child is making everything up and that it is them, not themselves, who is at fault. This parent would have been cold during their early years and they will continue to be the same now that they are an adult.

A Tough Time

After their time with their parent has come to an end, they could feel angry and frustrated and helpless and hopeless. The part of them that believes that they deserved to be mistreated could also exert a greater influence on them than it did before.

They wouldn’t have understood why this parent treated them badly as a child before they spoke to them and they still won’t. Ergo, the only thing that talking to them will have done is made them feel worse than they did before and just as confused.

The Same Story

The part of them that wants to know why they behaved in this way, along with the part of them that still wants their parents love, can cause them to continue to try to be seen and heard by them. This is something that could go on for many, many years.

As long as they work through the pain that is inside them, this need is likely to decrease as time goes by. Thanks to this, it should gradually get easier for them to see their parent in a more objective manner.

A Closer Look

If they were to step back and reflect on their parent’s behaviour, what might soon stand out is that they lack the ability to empathise and be compassionate. They might even see that this parent is like this with most people.

Furthermore, they could see that this parent lacks self-awareness and the ability to reflect on their own behaviour. This will then be someone who looks human but they will lack a number of the things that are part of being human.

An Analogy

With this in mind, it will be as if they are looking toward an appliance to do something that it is unable to do. But, as it will look like any other appliance, they will expect it to work and end up getting frustrated when it doesn’t do what they expect it to do.

As to why their parent is unable to be there for them now and was unable to be there for them as a child, it is likely to show that they were deeply wounded during their formative years. They would have missed out on the love that they needed and this would have probably damaged their brain, undermining their ability to empathise, be compassionate, have self-awareness and attune to others, amongst other things.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to -

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -