Christian Relationship Help: Five Unhealthy Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families

This Christian relationship help will give you five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families that were also present in families in the Old Testament. God created families to be a place of nurture, love, and companionship, but when sin entered the picture, families became a place where people hurt other people they are supposed to love.

Here are the five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families:

Deadly Jealousy: It is normal to be jealous of your siblings, but not to the degree that you are willing to cause them real harm. Cain killed his brother, Abel, out of jealousy. Cain believed that God favored his brother and hated him. God tried to tell him that it was his own actions that were the cause of God's rejection of his sacrifice, but he only focused on his brother, blaming him instead. Jealousy often comes from a skewed perception and an inability to look at oneself.

Favored Coalitions: A coalition occurs when one family member conspires with one member against another. Mothers and fathers often collude with one child against the other parent or against another child. Rebekah favored her son Jacob and Isaac favored his son Esau. Jacob and Rebekah then schemed to trick Isaac into giving him Esau's blessing. Esau hated his brother for tricking him and the family was split, as often happens. Coalitions hurt relationships and result in unhealthy alliances.

Poor Parenting: Due to all the problems the parents are dealing with, there is a tendency to do a bad job at parenting. It can be the result of poor boundaries, reactivity, inconsistency, anger, abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Priest Eli did a great job raising Samuel (Hannah's son) who he took under his care, but allowed his own sons to be disobedient. As a result, he brought judgment on his whole family line. Poor parenting has an effect on further generations, because it perpetuates poor choices that have consequences.

Family Shame: Whether a person is responsible for a problem or not, everyone feels responsible and ashamed. Amnon, David's son, raped his half-sister, Tamar. David did nothing about it. Absalom told his sister to be quiet about what happened. Absalom and Tamar held the shame that belonged to Amnon and it split the family and ruined Tamar's life and eventually resulted in Absalom killing Amnon and then David refusing to have a relationship with Amnon. Family shame destroys lives.

Masked Manipulation: Dysfunctional family members use masked manipulation to get what they want. This includes guilt, neediness, threats, lies, cover-ups, blame, and trickery. Lot's daughters got him drunk and then slept with him to have children. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then put her husband on the front line to have him killed. Laban tricked Isaac into marrying his daughter Leah instead of Rachel. Manipulation comes from self-centeredness that is willing to hurt another person.

It is no surprise that families still have problems today when you can see how dysfunction has been there from the beginning. Recognizing these five unhealthy characteristics of dysfunctional families is the first step in making changes that will make your family more functional and healthy.