Confidence Matters

“It’s not you—It’s your technique.”

This is one of the first things I teach singles. It is core to my coaching program and essential to your success in the dating game. To grasp the significance of this principle and how it can increase your confidence, you need to understand the following:

1. Your situation does not define your value

Too often singles base their perceptions of themselves on the acceptance or rejection of others, which causes their self-confidence to plummet over and over again.

The truth is:

* What others think of you does not define your value (nor does your past, your recent job loss, your depression, or any other problem that you have).
* You are lovable.
* You are meant to be loved.
* You are not destined to be alone.
* You are not doomed to be powerless in your social life.
* You are capable of applying new techniques, developing new skills, finding greater confidence, and developing lasting relationships.

2. The truth can set you free

In the dating game, the best source for confidence is the truth. When you act with faith in the truth, it will set you free from your doubts and fears about yourself, your future, the opposite sex, and more.

3. Confidence is only behavior—fake it ’til you make it

Singles often think confidence is an emotional strength others have but not them. They go to singles events, look around, quickly size up those who appear to be happy and confident, and conclude that they are inadequate by comparison.

The truth is, everyone has mood swings. Everyone suffers with doubts. All you see in those who look confident is their behavior, not their emotions. You can adopt these behaviors as well and get more attention. As you act more confident, you will begin to feel more confident as well.

4. You can change your techniques

Whether it’s flirting, giving out your telephone number, managing the first date, or dealing with the door scene, you can change your approach and experience a better result. So try something new as an experiment, practice new behaviors to see how they feel, observe others' reactions, look for what gets results, and keep doing more of that until you find success.

To help you begin feeling and acting more confident:

* Three times a day, stop what you are doing, look up, look around, and then: Women—make eye contact with someone, tilt your head slightly, smile at them, look away, look back again a few minutes later, smile again, and this time add a gentle finger wave. Men—square your shoulders, straighten your back, look others in the eye, keep your chin forward, and calmly introduce yourself. Don’t lean toward the other person, instead lean on a backward foot with your thumb in the outside corner of your front or back pocket or a belt loop (which makes you look more broad and casual). Start a conversation and see where it goes from there.

* Eliminate self-depreciating comments. If you catch yourself saying something negative like, “I am such an idiot,” “I always get this wrong,” “I can’t . . . ,” etc., stop mid-sentence and change your statement. “Oops—that was a mistake. No big deal.” “I can do this.”

* Express an opinion even if you are unsure of your opinion. Practice making decisions and exercising your opinion. You can always exercise your right to change your opinion later. You look more confident to others when you show your ability to make decisions.

* Eliminate non-words, hedgers, and qualifiers, such as “Uh,” “I kinda think . . .” “I sort of want . . .” “If you think so,” “Is that okay?” They rob your sentences of meaning and confidence.

* Three times a day, assume a confident posture and square your shoulders for at least five minutes. Do this when at work, while talking with a friend, and during social events. Repeat in your mind, The kind of person I am looking for will see me for what I have to offer and will invest in me.

* Make positive statements about yourself, your future, and about the opposite sex. Express what is going right in your life. Talk about your strengths. Say, “When I get married” instead of “If I get married.” Express your faith and trust in the goodness of men, women, and relationships.

* Make others feel great everyday. Do this by using their name, making eye contact, smiling, listening intently, talking with your hands (women), leaning forward, and touching them briefly on the upper arm .

When you practice these behaviors, you look more interesting, confident, and attractive to others. In time you will feel this way as well. Enjoy the reactions you get. Use these techniques whether you are in the flirting stage of dating or are in a relationship.

Confidence never hurts a relationship. Good luck and have fun.