Dealing With Betrayal In Marriage: How To Rebuild Broken Trust In Marriage

Many people have been led to believe that once infidelity occurs in a marriage, that is the end of the marriage. Life is just too complicated and not so black and white. This means that marriage infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of a marriage. For the marriage to be restored and to thrive, here are a few tips on how to save a marriage after an affair.

An affair usually shakes the very foundation of a marriage and leads to many broken dreams and promises as well as leading to mistrust. In many cases, the betrayed spouse cannot move past these feelings of brokenness and hurt as well as mistrust and it may be very difficult for him or her to believe that the marriage stands a chance after an extramarital affair.

Of the many things that can destroy a marriage, infidelity is probably one of the biggest reasons for the disintegration of a marriage. When a wedding occurs, the husband and wife promise before God and their friends and family to forsake all others and when a husband or wife does not keep this promise, the consequences can be devastating.

Infidelity can either be a sexual relationship with another man or woman outside a marriage or it can be an emotional betrayal when a wife or husband is more connected emotionally to someone else outside the marriage. Many husbands and wives may identify emotional infidelity as more devastating to a marriage than sexual impropriety though both are detrimental to a marriage.

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With the growth of online communities, chat rooms and various other social media such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, it makes communicating with different people that much easier leading to emotional infidelity and cybersex that can impact a marriage negatively.

With the tough economic times, married couples are spending less time with each other as they try to make ends meet. This allows married couples to spend more time with other people in various workplaces and less time with spouses which is never good for any marriage and may lead to various opportunities for extramarital affairs.

Many other reasons may be used for infidelity but at the end of the day, they are simply excuses and the unfaithful partner willingly made a choice to betray the marriage vows and wreck havoc on his or her marriage. When cheating has happened, a relationship can be saved only if both parties are willing to do the work required without making any excuses or looking for scapegoats.

Honesty is required in any efforts to save a marriage and seeking marriage counseling or some other mediator may be wise. The first thing to determine is what was wrong with the marriage that led to the infidelity. There has to have been a reason that the wife or husband decided to break the marriage vows and carry on an extramarital affair knowing how hurtful it would be to the husband or wife if they found out about it. An extramarital affair may signify that the marriage has a brokenness that needs to be fixed if the marriage is to survive. If your husband or wife is simply a serial cheater, then saving the marriage is probably not in your best interests and you need to move on from him or her.

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If you are the one that was betrayed by your spouse, you have to ask yourself if you are able to forgive your husband or wife who was unfaithful to you. Forgiving but not forgetting is not true forgiveness. You have to be willing to not bring up the issue over and over again and not play the blame game. This will only create bitterness and resentment that will lead the marriage nowhere. You have to be willing to put the hurt behind you and move forward otherwise there is no point in trying to save the marriage.

If you are struggling with feelings of unforgiveness, resentment, hurt, anger, etc, you may want to consider counseling for yourself if you are serious about doing your part in saving the marriage. Infidelity does not doom a marriage. If both parties are willing to move forward and heal the brokenness, the marriage can be saved. Both parties need to be honest with themselves and each other about whether they are willing to move forward.

Affairs usually lead to a break down of trust and in order to mend the marriage, trust will need to be restored which may be difficult and the husband or wife who was unfaithful needs to be patient with the husband or wife who was betrayed.

Your actions during this period will have to line up with what you say. You have to be willing to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you are going to the movies, you need to be at the movies and so on. If he or she checks up on you, you need to know that this is a process of rebuilding trust.

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Last time I checked, the moon wasn't blue. In fact, I don't ever remember seeing a blue moon. I've seen it kind of yellow or orange, but never blue. Yet, we use the phrase "once in a blue moon." Why? What does it really mean? Is it a fable like the moon being made out of cheese or is there some truth to it?

There are actually two answers. Believe it or not, there are rare instances where the moon seems to have a blue tint. Those times happen after huge volcanic eruptions that fill the atmosphere with tiny dust particles. When atmospheric conditions are right, the particles give the moon a blue tint in its appearance. The moon itself doesn't turn blue, but appears light blue in color.

The second answer is blue moon is a designation or name given to the moon. On an average year, there are twelve full moons, roughly one per month. But since the lunar cycle and our calendar year are slightly off, occasionally there is a thirteenth full moon. That extra moon has been designated or called a blue moon.

Another way of looking at it is there are regular time periods of three full moons that make up a cycle. When there are four full moons in that cycle, the third one is called the blue moon. I don't understand much beyond that, but I'll take the scientist's word on it.

What does a blue moon mean for us today? From a practical point of view, it means little. I personally don't care how many full moons there are in a year. But the phrase "once in a blue moon" does mean something. It carries the idea of something happening rarely or once in a while.

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While there are some things you want to only happen occasionally, there are others that shouldn't. For instance, I've been married to my wife for over thirty years. When we were courting I'd write her notes and poems, we'd go on dates together, go for walks, and sometimes we'd be up until one or two in the morning talking about our dreams. It now is once in a blue moon that we stay up late talking about our dreams and desires. But should it be more often?

If you're married, think back to when you were courting. What were some specific things you did that caused you to fall in love with your spouse? How often do you do those things today? If I was to ask your spouse how often you do something you did while courting them, would their answer be once in a blue moon or maybe not at all?

It seems that we spend so much time and effort attracting and winning a spouse that once we're married we let those things slide. Why? Well, marriage takes work. It's easier to work for something you don't have than to work for something you already have. Life gets busy, kids come, work increases, there are more demands on your time, fatigue sets in and before you know it the courtship is gone.

What would happen to your marriage if you began to court your spouse the same way you did when you were trying to win them? To do that, you'll have to place them ahead of yourself in your priorities and work at it the way you did when courting. You were willing to do that to win them; shouldn't you continue it to keep them? "But they're not courting me; why should I bother courting them?" Rather than waiting to receive, why not take the lead? If each of you waits for the other, you'll both wait a long time.

When you hear the phrase "once in a blue moon" or see that a blue moon is coming soon, let that remind you to date and romance your spouse. Set a goal that your spouse will never again say or think that you only court them "once in a blue moon."

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Asking a question like why sex is important in marriage is like asking why water is important for our environment. The answer is simple water is an essential component without which our environment will be parched dry and finally succumb to death. Similarly a marriage without sex will first become dry with no excitement whatsoever and then finally succumb to dryness.

Sex is that important water that keeps marital environment green and full of life.

This said, sex is not the only thing that keeps the marriage alive, in fact it is just one of the components, other than communication and understanding, but its absence in marriage can destroy it.

Although in our Indian society sex is still considered taboo which makes it a bit difficult for people to come out in the open and talk about it openly either with their partners, or with their friends thus increasing the divorce rates. However, there are couples who are trying to come out of their shell, are breaking the norms and understanding the importance of not just sex but sexual intimacy between them to keep their marriage young forever.

Considering the amount of time we are taught that sex is not important part of relationship as children, we grow up all the more confused. Hence it is necessary to properly educate people that having sex is not bad for marriage in fact it is that essential component that will keep you and your spouse together forever.

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Couples should understand the need for communication between spouses for better intimacy in the bedroom. If the man and wife are not comfortable outside bedroom they can never be comfortable in the bedroom.

They need to understand that sex is important to a marriage because it creates a bond not only at a physical level but also at spiritual level. As it does not necessarily mean intercourse, which is what most of us understand when we talk about sex.

However the reality is far from different. If we look at sex it is in fact all about touch a touch that arouses us to a level where we feel liberated from the worries of everyday life touch the sky and come back to the earth feeling tired but refreshed after a bad day at work.

Doesn't everybody enjoy being touched? In fact there is a whole therapy dedicated to touch in medical science, Touch therapy. And touching is way to show another person is appreciated, loved, and needed. And that is what sex is all about. Sex is the way couples appreciate each other, love, and revel in each other.

So if sex is all about touching your spouse intimately and loving them with a little TLC then how can sex be a bad thing? In fact sex is glue that keeps the couples together forever, and that is why sex is important in marriage. Marriage without sex is a body without a soul. And moreover couples who enjoy good sexual intimacy can face any storm that befalls on their marriage.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Normally when you just got married, everything seemed beautiful. You thought that you have found a perfect person whom you can live with forever. You felt that you were really lucky to find somebody like your spouse. Your love was burning bright and leaving your spouse was something that never crossed your mind.

After you married for some time, things started to change. You learned that marriage is not always beautiful. Some arguments have arisen and some rough patches have appeared on your marriage road. However, you still thought and the condition was ok. Some small arguments would not affect your marriage because you still loved your spouse.

Fast forward to the present time, you realize that those arguments do not disappear. In fact the frequency has increased steadily. You argue with your spouse because of every small unimportant thing. It seems that the two of you cannot stand each other anymore and the word divorce has been uttered in some heated discussions. This situation is unfortunately not uncommon. Nowadays divorce rate has kept increasing and it has reached an all time high. In this situation, you should never give up on your marriage easily. Try to attend marriage counseling sessions. They can help you to save your marriage and you may find your first love again that has encouraged you to get married.

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Commitment is important

Marriage counseling can play an important role to save your marriage. However, it needs a commitment from both husband and wife. If you are the only one who attends the sessions, it can make the situation worse. You try to talk your spouse about what you have learnt and he or she will act defensively. As a result, another serious fight is looming and will stretch your marriage into its limit. You will get opposite result from the marriage counseling. Therefore, if you want marriage counseling sessions to bring positive results, both couples have to be committed and attend the sessions together.

Is marriage counseling necessary?

Some people do not understand how marriage counseling works. They do not know how it can improve their marriage situation and rekindle their first love again. Perhaps you also feel the same and you think that a divorce is the only feasible option for you. In some cases, this is true because not every marriage works.

However, you should not give up your marriage without a fight and attending marriage counseling sessions is one thing that you can do to save your marriage. A counselor will help you along the way to resolve your differences. The counselor will observe the matter from an unbiased perspective so he or she can find the real problems that have threatened your marriage. You will work together to tackle those problems and heal the wounds that they have caused. It takes time, but if you and your spouse stay committed, your marriage can definitely be saved.

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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