Dealing With Difficult People: A Minister’s Guide

While attending seminary and taking Bible study courses may prepare a minister to preach and teach the Word of God, very few pastors enter the ministry ready to face the most challenging part of doing God’s work, interacting with people.

Ministers work with a wide variety of people on any given day. Many of these people are blessings, offering encouragement, support, prayer, and compassion. Others, however, are a bit more challenging to deal with. A lot has been written on the subject of dealing with difficult people. Here are a few tips on how you can deal with the difficult people in your church.

1. Pray. This may sound like a pat answer or a no-brainer, but prayer can do some amazing things. When you can’t muster compassion for those who rub you the wrong way and try your patience, God can provide you with love and acceptance in an almost supernatural way. Rely on Him to help you and give you wisdom as you interact with the most difficult people in your flock and on your staff.
2. Examining your own heart. Is the other person really the problem, or are you overreacting? Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with this person? Do you have hot buttons that are easily pushed by this person? Always start with self-examination to make sure you know that the problem stems for the behaviors of others and not your own.
3. Talk about it with a trusted friend. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or a church member opposes your new ministry plan, it can be difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, and fear are legitimate emotions but can keep you from making the correct decision. Listen to the advice of others who may have a more objective perspective.
4. Talk to the “difficult” person. Talk to them about what you are experiencing suing what psychologists call “I” messages. You explain things from your point of view rather than accusing the person or attacking them. An example of an “I” statement would be, “Mrs. Jones, I feel unappreciated when I hear you telling other parishioners that I don’t spend enough time developing my sermons.” Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk. Try to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward. Remember that this person is one of God’s beloved creations and treat them with respect and love.
Dealing with difficult people cannot be avoided. It’s going to happen sooner rather than later. But by taking some time and being patient, you can make the confrontation as painless and productive as possible.
Bishop Jacqueline Davidson has been dealing with difficult people in ministry for over thirty-five years. She mentors and trains ministry leaders and pastors in the skills they need to be effective vessels of God.