Dear Dr. Romance: 

I have been married for about 25 yrs. 14 yrs ago, I realized that other men around my husband make him much happier than i could. He laughs and i can tell he likes it, He keeps a very  long 10-12 hr days working, very dedicated to work,  but he drives to different retail  stores and has contact with many people, he has company vehicle and cell.   Recently since we moved he has become very involved with golfing, but he lies about it and doesn't want me around.  His golf friends send emails that he deletes,  I am very busy on a farm.  He constantly says he doeskin want this kinda life,, horses, dogs, etc. He is a very good provider of money, Lately I have been noticing he is with Asian people and he was in the marines for 4 yrs before i met him and married.. I have questioned bisexuality with him and he becomes furious, and screams at me.

What gets me is like today for instance, a man who owns an Asian restaurant has invited him to play at an expensive golf course. My husband dresses like a fag and he is not like that at all everyday life,  but he  needs to shower and look his best at all times. 

We have a big problem in our marriage because #1 I think something is going on and #2 he treats me totally different than everyone else. He actually belittles and picks on my faults daily, swearing and fussing at me.  I am the homebody who runs the farm and he gets to run the roads everyday then he wants to golf and I need help on the farm i  get very little time with him.  I think he wants it that way, he says not but  he is not willing to give up golf he would rather give up me.  I have struggled with this and have broken down cried and threatened to leave, so he sticks around for a day and works the farm and thinks that everything is OK now.  This cycle  has been going on for 14 years  and I can honestly say that my husband is sneaky like a marine and very hard to catch.  He thinks he is better than you.  I really don't know him like i want to and he is hard to talk to or confront he runs away from any confrontations/ if u can give me some advice i would appreciate it.

Dear Reader:

The thing I want most to tell you is that you can't change who your husband is, or what he does.  It sounds as if you're trying to get him to be the person you want him to be, to like farming, and to be a homebody.  It's pretty clear that he's none of those things.  He may be gay, or bisexual, he may be cheating.  Whatever is going on, he's probably not going to change. 

What you have to do is decide what you want for yourself.  You say he's a good provider -- do you want to do without his providing?  Your sentence "he is not willing to give up golf he would rather give up me" is very telling. 

It sounds like you've confronted him before, and it hasn't done much good. Before you confront him again, figure out what you'll do if he leaves or divorces you.  Once you know how you're going to survive without him, you will be free to tell him what you think and what you want. Nagging and whining is the least effective thing you can do; it will actually push him further away.

After you've thought about it, write down how you feel and what you want.  Then re-write it in a letter.  It will be easier for him to understand if it's written down.   "Asking for What You Want"  will give you some steps to follow.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will show you how to work out a deal in your relationship that accepts your differences, and helps you learn to work together.

Couple and Free 4th Ed

For low-cost counseling, email me at

Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.