Dear Dr. Romance: I'm terrified to recommit

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm in my mid-twenties and a professional. I recently brokeup from a bad relationship with my fiancee, and lost everything. Its been sometime and I've moved on I'm doing well, but find myself attracted to a woman that is everything that I'm looking for, almost ten years my senior. She works in the same field, and understands me completely. She is someone I could marry and settle down with, but with pains from previous engagement I'm terrified to recommit. What should I do?

Dear Reader:

I recommend that you examine the reasons your previous relationship was bad, without blaming it entirely on your ex-fiancee, but looking for your part in the disaster, even if it was just to get too committed to someone who wasn't ready for a relationship.  Relationship disasters always take two.  When you know what happened in your last relationship, you'll have a better idea of what to do to prevent being hurt again. "Stupid Cupid" will show you which questions you and your new love should be able to discuss productively.  

No relationship is perfect, and no relationship will last unless both partners commit to making it work.  Now and after you're married, you can keep your relationship going if you understand that intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted.  Couples disconnect when they don't feel interested in each other any more.  To reconnect, make an effort to listen and understand each others' needs and wants.  The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed.  To fix problems when they arise, don't just complain but seekto understand your partner.  Once the connection is there, you can begin to work out the issues.

Here are four simple steps to create a resilient marriage

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other --about your frustrations,  about sex, about anger,about disappointment, about your appreciation of  each other, about the meaning of life, abouteverything. 

2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up -- be a team, a  partnership. Don't getstuck on who's right or wrong -- focus on what will  solve the problem. 

3. Keep your connection going -- through communication, sex, affection,  understanding andconcern for each other. 

4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, care about each  other. Remember, any problem can be solved if you work on it together, as a team.

 How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free 4th Edition  can help you learn to solve problems together.

Couple and Free 4th Edition

For low-cost counseling, email me at

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Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.