Dieting: Essential Tuths

If you appear to be overweight, there are certain truths you must absorb. I say "appear to be overweight" because you and I know that you are NOT overweight. There are people heavier than you and there are people slimmer than you. That's all.

Now, the self evident truths you need to absorb are set out below. They're very important, so learn them well:

1. Big hair, slim hips. You need to deflect attention from your 60" hips. This is really easy. Back comb you hair unto the point of death. Make it big, bigger, biggest. All attention will now be riveted to your very precarious hair style. See how that works? Brilliant!

2. If you eat standing up, it doesn't count. I'm always amazed that people don't know this. It is surely the most important truth of all. You absolutely must have a gallon of chocolate ice cream? No problem! Just stand in your kitchen and consume the whole thing standing up. Simply doesn't count. You don't need to include it in your list of calories consumed for that day.

3. Walking backwards doubles the calories consumed by this exercise. This is another truth most people don't seem to know. I'm amazed. It's so obvious.

Now that you've absorbed these self evident truths, there is another, very minor, truth you need to know. No diet food corporation will tell you this. They need to sell diet products. And the drug companies will not tell you this. They need to sell harmful so-called weight reducing chemicals that they expect you to consume forever to keep their coffers full. No, probably the only person who will tell you this truth is me. And here it is:

Expend more calories than you consume. It's easy. In order to lose weight, you don't need special food; you don't need harmful, addictive drugs. All you need is to use up more calories than you consume. If you don't take any exercise at all now, take a short walk every day. Nothing dramatic. NO need to climb Mount Everest or even run 200 yards. Just add a short walk to your day. If you already take some exercise, increase this exercise marginally. Again, nothing dramatic. Just add about 10 minutes to your preferred form of exercise. And do all this witout increasing your food consumption. I'm from the old school. Exercise always requires a chocolate bar as a reward. Don't do this. Drink a glass of water. Or chew some gum. And last of all, the most difficult truth for many people; Soda is BAD. Cut it out cold turkey. Just stop drinking it. These very minor truths will absolutely guarantee that you lose weight. Isn't that amazing? Let me know how you get on!