Even if someone is living on the surface of themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. How they experience life can just be what is normal, so there will be no reason for it to stand out.

Assuming that they are in this position, they are likely to spend a lot of time living in their head and have a very weak connection with their body. As a result of this, they are typically not going to be aware of how they feel.

Outer Directed

Without this connection to their feelings, they can generally be driven by their need to gain approval. So, they can have the tendency to follow others and do what other people are doing.

Then again, they can do what will allow them to gain approval, but they could act as though they don’t care about what other people think. Yet, irrespective of if they are in the first or the second position, they are not going to have a strong connection to their inner guidance.

A Common occurrence

And, as they are not firmly rooted in their body, they can spend a fair amount of time feeling anxious and fearful. This inner material will be there to let them know that there is something inside them that they need to explore.

However, as they won’t be aware of the fact that they are not connected to themselves and there is something taking place for them at a deeper level that is waiting to be acknowledged, they can come to believe that their ‘negative’ thoughts are the problem. Along with this, what is going on can be put down to them having a ‘chemical imbalance’.

A Cover Up

Now, if they were to focus on both managing and changing their ‘negative’ thoughts, they might be able to settle down. But, even if this approach does work, they are still going to be in a disconnected state and what is taking place for them at a deeper level won't have been dealt with.

They can then go back to being a functioning member of society but they won’t be able to truly embrace life as they won’t be able to truly embrace themselves. Quiet simply, they will have been patched up and, sooner or later, the material inside them is likely to break through to their conscious awareness.

The Key

What might end up undermining the defences that they have built up by having ‘positive’ thoughts, for instance, can be a loss of some kind. So, a family member could pass on or they could experience a breakup and they could end up being overwhelmed with pain.

If they are able to think clearly, they can believe that what is going on externally has caused them to feel this way. In reality, what has taken place will have also caused pain that was held inside their unconscious mind to pour into their conscious mind.

All at Sea

If they felt fairly settled before this took place, apart from suffering from anxiety now and then, they will now be all over the place. It can be as though they are walking on jelly as they won’t feel supported, strong or resourceful.

What they might do, during this time, try to settle themselves down is to have ‘positive’ thoughts and perhaps meditate. It could be far too late for that, though, and a different approach is likely to be needed.

What’s going on?

When it comes to why they lived on the surface of themselves, were out of touch with their feelings and are carrying so much pain, it can be due to what took place throughout their formative years. Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have often been left and, when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care.

This would then have been a time when they were over stimulated and this would have deeply wounded them. But, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to change their parent or parent’s behaviour.

One Option

To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and they would have gradually disconnected from their body. They would then have been an embodied human being at one point in time and a disembodied human being at another.

Some of the pain that has entered their conscious awareness will be from this stage of their life. What this will illustrate is that although their conscious mind forgot about this pain, it hadn’t disappeared.

The Next Step

By embracing and working through this pain, it will allow them to become more whole and integrated. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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