Divorce - Breaking Up or Breaking Free?

So often, when I speak with someone who is divorced, the word "failure" comes up. We have been taught by religion, our families, and our culture that divorce is a failure of commitment. The following stories illustrate the transformative power of divorce. Whether you are the person who instigated the break up or the person who wanted to maintain the marriage bond, divorce can be a liberating and creative experience, a chance to become more authentic and define your desires in new and startling ways.

First off, I want to explain that up until 1999, I saw divorce as a failure of moral character. My parents divorced in 1975 and for many years I defined my life by that moment - when I lost daily access to my father. I laid the blame squarely at the feet of my mother, who bore the weight of my anger for the next 25 years. It was my own divorce in 2000, as well as the divorces of several of my friends, that gave me my first glimpse of the transformation that can occur during the process.

In 1998, my then-husband stood me up for a rare date to see a friend's photography exhibit. That night I looked at him and told him I wanted a divorce. I was exhausted by the energy I spent keeping up the front of a functional marriage. The nights I spent wondering whether he was coming home and where he was were wearing me down. I stuck it out for two more years until the effort to keep myself under wraps in order to maintain the marriage became more than I could stand.

When I left him, we had been together for almost 15 years, 9 of them married. The breaking point came as I reawakened to myself. No longer was I willing to subject my spiritual leanings to scientific and logical arguments. No longer would I apologize or hide the intensity of my astrological studies. No longer would I apologize for working on the family history or making dolls for our daughters. My "failure" to maintain the commitment brought me empathy for my parents, which later became forgiveness. If we cannot forgive ourselves, how can we truly forgive others?

During this time, two friends ended their marriages due to an unwillingness to continue hiding their sexuality. As a friend of all four of the people involved, I witnessed not only the joy and guilt of the partners who were embracing their homosexuality, but the anger and bitterness of their spouses, who felt betrayed. During the darkest hours, it seemed as if the abandoned spouses would never be able to get over the betrayal. Over time, though, both families have reached workable solutions. Holidays now include former spouses, current partners, and extended family.

One friend has shared her joy at going from being married to a half-husband to having two husbands! Her ex-husband's partner fixes her computer, gives thoughtful gifts and helps with the children. In the meantime, she's pursued her art with the support and encouragement of both men. In hindsight, the partners who left did not abandon their partners or themselves (which would be the outcome of staying in their marriages). As a result, everyone has grown due to the experience.

In another example, a close friend's husband left her for a younger woman. For the first year, she attempted to save her marriage, courting her husband and working to understand his point-of-view. It didn't succeed, and they were divorced. After many tears and long talks on her porch, she revealed the dreams she had put off. She had always wanted to be a nurse,and began to explore the idea of following that dream.

Over the next five years, she finished a nursing program and is currently employed as an R.N. Additionally, she now cannot fathom being with her ex-husband, who was not a nurturing or warm presence in her life. His departure was a gift because she learned her own strength and followed her desires. She found a well of strength she was unaware of until she had to stand on her own.

None of this is to say that divorce is easy. For those of us who leave, we are occasionally plagued with guilt or doubts about the decision. Sometimes the pain of being alone can be so great, that we wonder if settling might not have been a better choice. I do know the opinion we have of the situation can help us overcome the doubt, fear and anger.

I now see my marriage and my divorce as positive events in my life. I'm able to look back at the highs and the lows and cherish the whole package. With my ex-husband, I had an ally in the world. We shared friends, political views, and a lifestyle. We supported each other through the deaths of five grandparents and two close friends. We gave life to two interesting and interested daughters, who continue to amaze us. When I left him, I learned that I could support myself and follow my own path.

By re-framing divorce, we can come to a new understanding about who we are and what we want from life and our relationships. Pain is inevitable, but we choose whether we will suffer or learn through the experience. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce or breakup, Life Gardeners can help you re-frame the situation, identify your desires, and attract the life you choose to live.