“Do you love me?” I asked my partner countless times over the years. And every time I heard what I wanted to hear. Sometimes it came with a smile or a kiss, sometimes it came after a pause or a sigh; sometimes it was enthusiastic and sometimes it was dry and mechanical; sometimes I was convinced and often I was not. But I remember one night when he answered me with a question of his own: “Do you realize that I have no choice in answering this question?” I was shocked to say the least.
I started to wonder about what I meant by the question. What is love? Is it just an affectionate, warm, “mushy” kind of feeling? Or is it a sense of deep care for one another?
I realized that when I ask that question what I want is simply a deep connection with a person I love. I want to see the sparkle in his eyes, and feel our hearts open to each other. When I think of connecting on such a deep level, the image of us dancing the waltz at our wedding reception easily comes to mind. We are gliding across the floor, holding each other firmly but gently, swept by the music and the passion of the moment, looking into each other’s eyes and sensing the admiration and deep caring for each other.
Even after ten years of marriage, I still want to experience that level of connection in my daily life. I ask “do you love me?” because I am trying to bring back that sense of deep connection and care for one another. I hope that if I hear his “yes” in return, our connection will be restored and we can go on. But this quick fix rarely works, especially when my partner feels there is no choice for him in answering this question. Sadly, the strategy I have been using to meet my needs for connection was often not an effective one.
Fortunately, after studying Nonviolent Communication, I learned how to become more aware of my needs and to find better ways to meet them. So instead of asking “do you love me?” now I express to my partner how I feel and what my needs are. For example, I might say “I feel a little distance between us and I would like to have more connection.” Or, “I feel a bit lonely and I want some closeness and affection.” Expressing my feelings and needs helps my partner to understand what is going on for me in that moment, while the question “do you love me?” does not provide him any information about my experience.
I have also learned to figure out what would meet my needs for connection or closeness and make a specific, positive-action, doable request. In other words, I think of and offer some specific ways for this connection to happen. When I put my full awareness on my needs (for connection and closeness) the images of how to meet these needs readily come to my mind. I could request that my partner tells me something that would warm up my heart. For example: “Would you be willing to tell me one thing we did together last week (or last year) that you enjoyed the most?” or “Would you be willing to tell me one thing that you really appreciate about me or one compliment on how I look today?” Or, turning things around, I could ask him “Would you like me to tell you one thing I appreciate about you?” or simply go ahead and tell him.
As I enter into a creative space, thinking about how the two of us could spend a few minutes in ways that would meet my needs for connection, I easily come up with many other ideas. I could suggest to my partner that we spend a few minutes talking about what attracted us to each other when we met, or what we most enjoyed about our day together. We can spend a little time planning some fun things that we want to do together tomorrow, next week or next year. We can spend some time reading poems to each other, having a glass of wine on the front porch, listening to some music that we both enjoy, dancing salsa in our living room, fantasizing about our next vacation in Jamaica, or talking about our dream house in the mountains. All these strategies while only taking a few minutes each, would very likely meet my needs for connection, create the warmth, closeness and affection that I crave for, and transform my feelings of loneliness and disconnect into peace, ease and joy.
As I see the abundance of strategies to meet my needs, I feel hopeful and excited about the range of available options. It’s easy to imagine us dancing the waltz together again. I know it can happen when I have the awareness and the skills.
I learned that quick fixes, like that question I used to ask, do not always lead to the quality of connection that my heart desires. There are no shortcuts to connection. But if I put the energy into our relationship, I am certain that the payoff will be the quality of connection that I will deeply enjoy. n