Does your child have friends?

We all value the reasons for having friendships and research shows that healthy friendships and relationships improve quality of life, prevent depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness. Naturally this is something we want for our children and of course, from our own experiences of what value and importance friendships have given us, we want the same for our children.
Why do children with autism find it so difficult to develop friendships?

This is because friendships are based on the deficits of autism (experience sharing, episodic memory, self awareness, flexibility, and dynamic intelligence).
• True and lasting friendships are about sharing experiences with one another.
• Forming and reliving episodic memories with one another is a common occurrence through friendships.
• Understanding you well enough to not upset another person or feel offended by a friend’s comments or actions is required for friendships.
• Being flexible enough to know that there are no specific rules in friendships. There are different levels and types of friendships that vary in how you communicate, how you see each other, how often, when, where and doing what etc.
When I speak to parents during their complimentary initial consultation one of the many goals that parents have for their children is “I just want him/ her to have friends!” Because of the social ‘skills’ required for children to make friends, most children on the autistic spectrum find it difficult to do this. I need to inform you that although it might be useful to equip children with tools, tips and tricks to making friends, most of the time it just is not enough. For true friendships and friendships that are maintained, it requires developing the foundations of relationships first.
The first relationship (with parents) is the most valuable and a foundation for all other relationships. This is why we should spend time establishing, strengthening and supporting that guiding relationship to begin with, before we even consider bringing in peers to interact with.
• Helping children to become familiar with sharing experiences with others is one of the most useful things to focus on during interactions; this can be done through your interactions by shifting the focus from the task to the process.
• Guiding children to help regulate their own moods, emotions and feelings as well as share this with other people (and knowing when it is appropriate and when it is not) is also helping to lay the foundations for friendships.
• Accepting changes, and being flexible enough to accept when things go differently to expectations and as well as to contribute ideas to the situation and relationship can make a difference in the quality of the friendship. For many children this is a very slow and gradual process depending on their level of flexibility.
• The friendships that are sustainable and true are those that are equal in participation and effort. You may have already experienced a friendship that didn’t feel equal, it may have felt more hard work, like you were doing all the giving or maybe all the taking and it wasn’t enjoyable. Children need to learn to take responsibility for their own actions and contribute to interactions as an equal partner.
Suppose we taught friendship skills to children with autism as a list of rules, this might be how it would look (I made this up):

1. Always say ‘hello’ to your friend.
2. Contact your friend once a week.
3. Ask your friend if they are OK?
4. Share your food with your friend.
5. Check that your friend wants to play the same game as you or do the same thing together.
6. Have a laugh and enjoy being together.
7. Always say ‘goodbye’ to your friend.

Now take a moment to think about how and when these rules might NOT work, be taken literally and what are the multiple responses that could come from any one of these rules. This is where the dynamic intelligence is required; we cannot control what response other people give us and so we need to be flexible enough to be able to respond to them no matter what they are. If we were to follow these rules or a similar set of rules, the interaction would become very static, unnatural and may feel staged to the other person, who would soon lose interest in that relationship.
How do you teach children to develop friendships then?

We spend time on addressing these core deficits to help the child develop in a more typical way and through the guiding relationship with parents, and then siblings and then extended family to develop their competent episodic memories of relationships. This is a process and because it is working on the underlying issues, it takes time. When the time comes and the child is ready, this becomes a more natural progression where friendships are not forced, or hard work, but form more typically. Once parents understand how this is developed, the need for them to want to have friends becomes a goal that you work towards and they also begin to not just settle for an artificial friendship but can see the doors open for true friendships.