Dr. Romance on Dealing with Disappointment or failure

Dr. Romance writes:

OK, so you're disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trash. So, after you get finished with laying on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or going on a drunken binge, or beating someone up, you find you're still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn't fixed anything Now what do you do? Disappointment is a dead-end in your road. Now you need to figure out a new direction.

When what you're doing in a job or relationship or to pursue a dream is not working no matter what you try, and you've gotten some expert advice (relationship counseling, therapy or coaching) that it's not going to work, it's probably time to move on.

Check to see if you are resisting doing what you know you need to do to make it work, and if you won't or can't do it, then you're wasting your time and energy, and it's time to change directions. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger. It will hold you back.

If you need to get some therapy to help you through this transition, do it, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you ended it, you've lost your hopes and dreams) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally, financially and physically. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you keep yourself together and in good health.

This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate, you don't have to go right out and start something new again (in fact, I suggest going slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you.

Here are some hints:

DO put it in perspective If you're disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this. Look at what happened. What caused your loss? You can improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and look forward to the next event. On the other hand, don't blame yourself for the things you couldn't control. Take a balanced view.

DON'T give up No one is a failure until they quit. Don't quit when you're behind. Instead, get determined to do better.

DO try to learn from the experience Every disappointment is a teaching moment. You can learn from whatever went wrong. Re-play your tapes (mental or actual) of the event, and figure out how you can do better.

DON'T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments. Sympathy is OK for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You'll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com