If someone was to step back and reflect on their life, what they may soon find is that a number of their needs are rarely if ever met. So, while their basic needs might typically be met, this won’t be the case when it comes to their other needs.

In general, then, they are not going to have trouble when it comes to having somewhere to live, food to eat and clothes to wear, but when it comes to their emotional and physical needs, they are going to miss out. Ultimately, Feeling malnourished will be a normal part of their life.

A substitute

What could soon stand out is that, over the years, they have used food and other things to try to change this. This might have changed how they felt for a short while, only for them to return to how they felt before.

They may have felt empty, down and frustrated at one point, and full, up and satisfied at another. This whole process might have taken place without them even consciously thinking about what they were doing.

A Random Experience

If they ever did think about how they felt, they might not have realised why they felt this way. Or, it could have been put down to them just feeling low and depressed for no apparent reason.

Then again, there could have been moments when they had no idea and other times when it was put down to them just being depressed. Fortunately, thanks to what they now know, they will realise what has been going on.

Missing out

As their emotional and physical needs are seldom met, it could mean that they don’t have any close friends and are not in a relationship. If they had close friends, they would be able to be truly seen and heard and, thus, experience intimacy.

In other words, this would allow them to meet a number of their emotional needs. If they were in a relationship, this would allow them to meet a number of their emotional and physical needs.

A Way Of life

Perhaps they have never had any close friends or been in an intimate relationship before. If so, they will have been missing out on what they need for a very long time and being deprived will be the norm.

Naturally, being this way is not going to allow them to be at their best and live a deeply fulfilling life. Consuming food, drinking or engaging in an activity is not going to make up for what they are being deprived of when it comes to human relationships.

An Analogy

If they have ever been in a relationship or simply had a number of casual encounters, this might have been a time when it was as though they had come across a fountain in a desert. Like the ground that hadn’t seen rain for months, they will have been greatly relieved to finally receive some if not all the nutrients that they needed.

But, before long, what they desperately needed might have been taken away from them. After having so much, going back to having so little could have been a lot for them to handle.

The Outcome

This may have been a time when they ended up experiencing anger and rage and felt hopeless and helpless. They might have soon gone into an emotionally collapsed state and felt as though they were in a deep hole.

Additionally, this may have been a time when they felt so low that they just wanted their life to end. For them to return to how they were before, it might have taken them a number of months or even years.

What’s going on?

At this point, they could believe that they have no control when it comes to having their emotional and physical needs met and that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. For this area of their life to change, they will need to be lucky or for what is going on externally to change.

However, although it might seem as though they have no control over this area of their life, what if there is far more to it? What if this area of their life is a reflection of what is taking place for them at an unconscious level?

Going Deeper

There is the chance that what is taking place is a continuation of what took place during their formative years. During this phase of their life, their primary caregiver might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed.

Consequently, practically from the moment they were born, they would have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. To deal with the pain that this would have caused them, their bran would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut down, disconnected, collapsed and frozen state.

The Impact

Moreover, they would have ended up feeling ashamed of their needs and automatically disconnected from them. Having needs and feelings was too painful, so losing touch with them was a matter of survival

To return to the analogy above; they grew up in an emotional desert. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they had to adapt or they would have experienced too much pain and their life would have come to an end.

Repetition Compulsion

Now that they are an adult, what took place will be over, they will no longer live in an emotional desert, but they won’t realise this at a deeper level. Hiding their needs both from themselves and others will continue to take place and they will feel ashamed of their needs.

Another part of this is that a big part of them will be trying to meet the needs that were not met all those years ago and will cause them to unconsciously co-create a reality that is very similar to the one they had all those years ago. This is why they will continue to be deprived of what they need.

Drawing the Line

For them to no longer live in an emotional desert or look towards people who are unable to be there for them, they will need to face the pain and the unmet developmental needs that go with it and work through it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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