In general, someone could be fairly settled and only experience anxiety and fear, for example, from time to time. Due to this, they could see themselves as someone who is in a good way mentally and emotionally.

However, although they can have this outlook, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. But, unless something in their life was to change, they might not realise that they are not as together as they have come to believe.

An Analogy

In the same way that a building that is not very stable will need scaffolding to stay in place, what is going on for them externally will largely allow them to keep it together and function. When it comes to what is going one externally that is playing a big part in allowing them to keep it together and function, this can relate to a variety of things.

So, their job, their friendships, their intimate relationship – if they have one - and their family can all play a part. Therefore, as long as their life doesn’t really change, they will be able to carry on as normal.

A Big Difference

If, then, they were to lose their job, experience a breakup, or a family member passes on, their inner world could soon change. They could go from feeling fairly settled, to being all at sea mentally and emotionally.

Or, if this doesn’t happen, it can be because of the structure that is still in place. But, assuming that the structure that is still in place is not enough to allow them to keep it together and function, they will no longer experience the stability and sense of control that they had.

A Strange Scenario

Needless to say, losing their job, experiencing a breakup, or losing a family member is bound to have a big impact on them. Still, being affected by something like this is one thing; it is another thing altogether to fall apart.

If they were able to step back and reflect on their life, they could wonder what is going on. They could understand that they are going through a tough time but struggle to understand why they feel so unstable and out of control.

A Closer Look

What this can illustrate is that they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Thanks to this, they wouldn’t have received what they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Instead of developing firm foundations, they would have been deeply traumatised and forced to create a disconnected false self. This false self would have played a part in keeping their pain and unmet developmental needs at bay.

The Other Side

This false self would have been focused on what was going on externally and had the need to please their parent or parents. Pleasing their parent or parents would have been a way for them to try to be loved and not ignored or left.

Additionally, what was going on around them would have also played a part in stopping the pain and unmet developmental needs that had been repressed from entering their conscious awareness. From this, it becomes clear that as long as they behaved in a certain way as a child and an adult and had external structure in both cases, what was going on inside them would be kept at bay.

The Catalyst

Thus, after something or a number of things changed externally, their inner defences would have been weakened. As a result of this, their couscous mind would have started to be flooded with material that has been held in their unconscious mind.

But, as this material had been held in this part of them and been forgotten about by their couscous mind, it is to be expected that what is going on for them as an adult wouldn’t make any sense. Now that this material has entered their conscious awareness, they will have the opportunity to work through it.

Another Option

If they don’t do this and push this material out of their conscious mind, assuming that they are able to, it might not be long until they have a very similar experience. By facing and working through this material, they will be able to become a more whole and integrated human being.

They will gradually become stronger, which means that they will no longer need the same amount of external structure in order to maintain their sense of self. They will go from being dependent to being interdependent.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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