Early Deprivation: Is A Man Wasting His Time If He Is Trying To Be Seen And Heard By His Narcissistic Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that, when he is around his mother, he becomes someone else. So, he can lose touch with his needs and how he feels and focus on her.

As for his mother, she can typically talk about what she has been doing and what is troubling her. She might seldom, if ever, ask him about how he is doing or if anything is troubling him.

Another part

Additionally, she might often ask him to do things for her. And, if he talks about what he has been doing or a challenge that he has, she might not pay attention to what he has to say.

Or, she might say that he shouldn’t be doing something or end up criticising him. As a result, his mother is not going to connect to his world, and if she does, she probably won’t be supportive and understanding.

A Challenging Relationship

Assuming that this is what it is like when he spends time around his mother, it is going to be normal for him to feel used, invisible, ignored and invalidated around her. And, after he has spent time around her, he can feel frustrated, angry, worthless, helpless and hopeless.

She is then going to be his mother and should, in theory, be on his side, but will be as if she were his enemy. Instead of being loving, kind and supportive, for instance, she will undermine him and drain his energy.

The Same Old Story

He might see that this is how she has been for as long as he can remember, but he can hope that, sooner or later, she will change. There can then be moments when he imagines her being loving and kind and having a good relationship with her.

If he were to share what is going on in this area of his life with a trusted friend, he could be told, in one way or another, that he is doing the right thing by being there for her and that she will change. This support can strengthen the hope that he has and make him believe that he is going in the right direction.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, after sharing what is going on in this area of his life, a trusted friend could say that, in one way or another, it doesn’t matter what he does, as his mother won’t change. This friend might not only be aware of how long he has struggled to be acknowledged by her, but they might have also spent time around her.

They could say that his mother probably has a personality disorder, and that people like this don’t change. It then won’t matter what he does, as it won’t be possible for him to get through to her.

The next Stage

If the latter takes place, he can deny what his friend says and say that what they are saying is not true. For example, he might say that his mother does love him; it’s just that she doesn’t always show it.

However, even if he does respond in this way, if she has been this way for as long as he can remember, part of him can wonder why he would believe that she would change and can’t accept what she is like. He can see that she hasn’t said or done anything over the years to create the impression that she will change.

What’s going on?

If she has been this way for as long as he can remember, there is a chance that she was like this during his formative years. This would then have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Therefore, instead of receiving the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have generally been ignored, rejected, and left. He would then have missed out on the eye contact, human touch, mirroring and support that he needed.

Another Element

Along with this, he might have had to meet a number of her needs and often been criticised, humiliated and even physically harmed. In this case, his mother wouldn’t have provided him with the warmth that he needed, and she would have undermined him.

To handle what happened, he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the harm that was being done to him and allowed him to keep it together and function.

The Struggle

Furthermore, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who his mother wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would acknowledge him and love him. But, as she probably wasn’t able to love him, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her early years, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did.

Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence. Now, while this stage of his life will be over, he will still be living in the hope that, if he acts as his mother wants him to act and does what she wants, she will love him.

Its over

As he is an adult, he no longer needs his mother’s love, but, as the needs that were not met and the pain that this caused him are held inside him, he won’t be able to accept this and stop struggling for her love. If he were to accept what this mother is like and stop struggling for her love, he is likely to experience a lot of tension.

This tension will show that this repressed inner material is trying to seep into his conscious mind. Taking this into account, for him to no longer try to receive the love that he missed out on all those years and accept that his mother is not capable of seeing him as a separate individual and being there for him, there are a number of things that he will need to do.
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Moving Forward

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.