Embracing No

Webster’s Dictionary defines the word NO as “nay, not so, the opposite of YES, used to deny, refuse, or disagree.” With a definition like that, it is not surprising that many people in today’s society have difficulty thinking the word NO, much less saying it. However, NO can be a powerful source for good that creates acceptable boundaries, personal limits, and builds character when used appropriately.

Parenting
NO is as important a parenting tool as are seatbelts, bicycle helmets, and curfews. Modern parenting books warn against using the word NO too often, lest children become berated or develop low self-esteem. Young parents heeding this advice twist themselves into pretzels attempting to think of ample substitutes for the word NO. This results in parents afraid to speak to and guide their own children. It’s time to revise opinions of NO away from depravation, and instead think of NO as an opportunity to shape children into the respectful adults you want them to be.

The First NO
If you get up the courage to use NO, it may represent an unwanted change for those around you. You may feel unsure about NO and wonder whether you are doing the right thing. Take heart, and respect your inner dialogue. If your first instinct was NO, then you are likely in the right and have permission to wield the NO proudly and with authority.

However, be prepared for the recipient to be confused. They are not used to hearing NO from you and may question whether an alien has replaced the body of their YES parent. They may comply the first time out of total shock, or, they may disobey thinking they misheard you. Either way, ready yourself to use NO again. You have thrown down the gauntlet, and should be prepared for a challenge or protest.

Tantrums
Until you have retrained your brood, expect a conflict or tantrum to follow every NO. Once they get used to hearing NO from you, these protests will become less passionate until they are essentially abandoned as fruitless. Until then, expect to reassert your NO each time it is used.

As the tantrum escalates, you might wonder whether the battle is really worth it. The answer is always yes. While giving in to a tantrum may be the familiar easy route out, it is decidedly not. What you are experiencing is YES withdrawal: you want to say YES as badly as a junkie wants his next fix. As with any addiction, the craving will be insatiable so it is best to put a swift end to the unhealthy behavior. Besides, if you acquiesce you are essentially saying to your child, “Yes, this tantrum is acceptable behavior and I would like you to repeat it again the very near future, thank you.” Thought of in these terms, few parents would give in to a screaming child of any age. If you expect the tantrum, you can fortify your defenses to resist the onslaught.

NO as a teaching tool
As your children age, a simple NO will not suffice. They will want to know the WHY behind the NO, and you should be prepared to explain it to them. Remember, as the parent you are not asking your child for permission to say NO, you are simply explaining how you came to your decision. As you verbalize your thought process two things may happen: 1) you will realize that your NO was ill conceived and that a YES is fine in this instance; or 2) your NO was entirely appropriate and will stand. Regardless, you have taught your child an important lesson about parenting: decisions are made with forethought and are usually supported by sound evidence and reasoning. This shock may be enough to quell the discussion, but be prepared to reassert your NO and cut-off debate.

As you gain experience wielding NO, you may likewise feel empowered. Frequently the power grows with each use as you draw frenzied energy away from your opponent. This is normal, and there is no reason for alarm. Embrace the energy and expand your use of NO to other parts of your life.

At The Office
NO can be applied to the workplace in much the same fashion it is applied at home. Simply delete petulant child and insert over-bearing boss or needy co-worker. However, when at the office it is important to treat your colleagues with the respect you would like bestowed upon you.

Clients
Clients are a difficult breed, often asking for the impossible to be accomplished within unreasonable timelines. Either that, or delays caused by their indecision or lack of focus now become your problem to resolve. In most instances, saying NO is extraordinarily difficult; however, my experience has shown that a NO now is worth many future YESES. Aggressive clients will steamroll over everything in their path until someone steps in to set some limits. Unlike at home, a NO at work should always be accompanied by a qualified YES:

“I can’t have that report for you today, but you can have it in two days.”
“I can give you a portion of the report today, and the balance will be ready in two days.”

In this way, you imbed a YES inside your no. You have set boundaries and demonstrated the value of your time and that of any subordinates affected by your decision. If you can finish the project sooner than originally promised, feel free to do so. It will show your commitment to the company or project, and put you in higher esteem than before your NO. It may appear to be backwards, but your clients will gain respect for your spine, and might be inspired to grow one of their own. It will also help down the road by encouraging better planning on their part since they can’t dump the mess on your desk at the last minute and expect immediate resolution.

Bosses
Unlike clients, supervisors hold direct power over your workload, compensation, and advancement. Supervisors know when they are abusing their power, and at these times they are particularly vulnerable to a well played NO:

“I’m sorry, but I’m unable to work on Christmas. I will finish the report after the holiday.”

“My daughter is graduating college tomorrow and I am unable to change my plans.”

As with clients, bosses need to know when they are abusing their authority. They may threaten you with firing, demotion, or other hardships, in which case, you can state how unfortunate you find that tact to be and how pained you will be to raise your grievance with human resources. Make it clear that their behavior will not be tolerated. Do not fear establishing work-life boundaries, even if you have been a push over in the past. However, be sure to stick to them yourself or your carefully crafted ‘line in the sand’ will be washed away with the next tide. If you find there is no recourse against management abuses at your workplace, then you should already be looking for a new job.

Around Town
NO can be an exceptional force for good in the community, at church, or with your friends and family. How many times have you subsequently revealed your displeasure about something to have a friend say, “You should have told me!” Take them at their word and only commit to engagements or personal projects that you have the time and passion to execute. Recognize when you have enough on your plate, and do not volunteer for more. This can be difficult especially if you have historically run an event or held a community title. Each individual project may be fun and satisfying for you, but the conglomeration of tasks may have stretched you too thin. Be prepared to prioritize your commitments and step away from a few. It will give others the opportunity to lead, and if no one steps forward, then perhaps the project or event is not as indispensable as it once was. As in other areas, prepare for some resistance and steel yourself against capitulation.

Only you can change the direction of your life. By embracing NO, you will be liberated to refocus energy into areas of your own choosing. Whether that is family, friends, or nothing at all, by embracing the power of NO you will have taken the first step towards reasserting control over your life.