What someone could see, if they were to reflect on their life, is that their inability to handle their emotions is having a negative on their life. They could also see that this is nothing new as they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

Due to this, they might not need to think too far back to remember when they last lost control and did something that they now regret. During this time, it could be as if something took control of them and there was nothing that they could do about it.

All Area

Irrespective of what area of their life this relates to, they can see that all areas of their life are being affected by this. So, when they are around friends, family, and their partner – if they have one – and at work, they can often lose it.

Thanks to what they are like, they might have pushed a number of friends away over the years, alienated family members, had a number of partners cut their ties with them, and lost a number of jobs. When they think about what has happened, they could feel frustrated and angry and then sad.

Self Blame

After this, they could lay into themselves and believe that there must be something inherently wrong with them. Unlike, some people, then, they will be missing something and this will be why they are unable to experience self-control.

What could play a part in what they believe is that, over the years, they may have been heavily criticised and labelled as being a certain way. Nonetheless, what they can keep in mind is that they won’t have chosen to be this way.

A Few Examples

When it comes to how they often behave, they could often be filled with anger and end up shouting and throwing things. They could also often experience a fair amount of shame and self-hate and end up doing something destructive towards themselves and perhaps others.

Moreover, they could often feel down and low and just about lose the ability to do anything. Along with this, they could see that they are often impulsive, which often causes them to buy things that they don’t need and do things that don’t serve them.

An Analogy

Based on how they are experiencing life, they will have a lot in common with a small boat that is on the ocean. This boat will be thrown all over the place by the waves and tides

What they will desperately want is to be like a large ship that can handle the waves and tides. If they were to end up reaching out for support, they could end up being told that they need to learn how to regulate their emotions.

The Next Step

For them to do this, they can be told that they need to learn to breathe into how they feel and to bring their attention to the present moment. Their thinking brain can then gradually end up coming back online and allow them to behave in a way that will serve them.

Another part of this can be for them to name how they feel and, if and when they get the chance, to write down how they feel and what happened. The purpose of this will be for them to create space between how they feel and gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

A New Experience

They can also be told that it will be a good idea for them to regularly meditate, with this being seen as a way for them to experience greater self-control. Furthermore, the importance of exercise, sleep and a healthy diet can also be put forward as being important when it comes to staying calm.

As the days, weeks, and months pass and they continue to apply what they have learnt, they could find that they are less reactive. Then again, they might find that while this approach works in the beginning, it doesn’t work for long, or that it doesn’t even work.

Stepping Back

Regardless of if it only works for a short time or doesn’t work at all, it could be said that this whole approach is coming from an inaccurate assessment. The view is that, as they are unable to regulate their emotions, they need to ‘learn’ how to do this.

However, this is a bit like telling someone who has the tendency to stop breathing that they need to learn how to continually breathe. Of course, in this situation, what will be asked is why they stop breathing.

Another Angle

To use an analogy, if an engine kept heating up, the first question that is likely to be asked is: why is it heating up? With this in mind, if someone is unable to regulate their emotions, what needs to be explored is why they are unable to do this.

The reason they are unable to regulate their inner world is probably because there is so much going on inside them. And, what this is likely to show is that they are loaded up with pain, with this being a sign that they have, at one stage of their life or another, experienced trauma.

Too Much to Handle

Thus, as a result of how much pain their system is carrying, it is simply not possible for their brain to function properly. Another part of this is that their frontal cortex may be damaged, which will undermine their ability to keep input from other areas of their brain at bay and out of their conscious awareness.

But, even if this part of them is not damaged, if they are loaded up with pain, their conscious mind will end up being flooded by material that is held inside their unconscious mind. Considering this, as opposed to it being said that they need to purely learn how to regulate their emotions, it might be more accurate to say that they primarily need to start working through their pain, so that their system is no longer under so much pressure and can function properly.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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