Encourage Social Understanding

Your little boy wants to play soccer so badly. But the others consistently choose him last for their teams. Your son ends up sitting most games out, watching hopefully from the sidelines. It’s unfair, isn’t it? Your child is vibrant, fun, and whip-smart. Everyone should want to play with him in your humble opinion.

We begin to help foster our children’s character and virtues over instances just like this. They can stir up negative feelings within us about our own shortcomings, the faults of others, or it might even motivate us to play the Blame Game. We would be wise to step aside and simply be supportive in order to allow our children to strengthen their character and their ability to reason through such challenges.

This is also a great way to help ourselves through challenges.

Below are seven ways to help your child cope with rejection by teaching resilience and understanding. (As a bonus, helping your child through rejection will help you through their rejection!)

1. Acknowledge their feelings fully. Don’t suppose you know them. They are amazingly self-intuitive.

2. Elicit empathy for the other children. Remind your child of a time he/she wanted to play without someone. It’s hard to find a nice way to say, “No.”

3. Try not to be defensive on your child’s behalf. He/she may not feel as strongly about it as you. Avoid unnecessarily escalating their distress by staying on their level. What will be, will be and it is there for their unfoldment.

4. A matter-of-fact, “They had too many players today,” or, “You can try again tomorrow,” will help your child to not take rejection too personally. Help him to think up good reasons why he may not have been chosen, and if it involves making an improvement, make plans to work on it.

5. Model and encourage pro-social behavior. Teach your child to be kind, and how to get away from unkind people. Remember, observational skills are crucial to successful interactions, so teach them to be observant of non-verbal signals, too.

6. Arrange play-dates. A familiar environment can help shy kids bond with a more outgoing child. Even if the play is parallel play – separate activities in the same space – it is still social.

7. Empower your child to be resilient. Critical thinking questions, such as, “What will make me feel better?” or, “What can I do differently the next time someone says no?” will teach him or her to be self-reliant and proactive – to find the good tucked inside each challenge.

Rejection can be hard for you individually and as your child’s parent. But it doesn’t have to have finality. Objectivity vs. subjectivity will help you to rise above downer feelings. Resilience isn’t just about brushing the dust of our knees – it’s also about aiming for a better outcome the next time around.

Working toward nurturing healthy interactions and vibrant independence in your child will give them the best tools to deal with the complexities of socializing and you’ll feel a lot better by taking positive, forward steps.