In the many classes and workshops I've given over the years on the art of erotic communication, the most common question I'm asked is:

"Can you give me some ideas on how I can get over my self-consciousness about using erotic talk with my partner?"

My answer is an emphatic yes!

There are several ways to help you and your partner feel more at ease communicating about your sexual needs and desires. Once you become comfortable with some of these gentle methods of putting your sensual feelings into words, then the more "advanced" forms of verbal erotica, such as talking "dirty" or sharing wild fantasies, will come much easier.


You may find it initially easier to ask your lover for feedback as to how he or she is enjoying your caresses, rather than disclosing your own state of arousal. Such questioning will excite your partner, if it is done with a sensual, intimate tone in your voice and a genuine interest in your lover's responses.

You might begin by stroking her or him in two different areas of the body or in two different ways (perhaps very gently and then more firmly), then asking in a soft voice or whisper, "Which feels better.....this.....or this?" Or you might ask, "What part of your body would most enjoy some loving attention right now?" or "Would you like me to move my hands lightly along your body like this.....or with more this, or "Would you show me with your own hands how you want to be touched?"

Such questioning can have several benefits. First, it gives you useful feedback as to your partner's sexual needs or preferences. Second, it shows your lover that you care about his or her specific sexual desires. Third, if you're really inventive about where and how you touch your partner, it creates a mood of delicious anticipation. Fourth, the fascination and excitement of finding out exactly what turns your partner on, will cancel or neutralize any self-consciousness or "silent" lover tendencies.


Letting your partner know how much you're enjoying the sensual connection or attention you're receiving, can be extremely arousing. You might want to simply acknowledge your enjoyment with "Mmm, that feels sooo good", or "I love the way my body feels against yours" or "Please, baby, do that again." Or you may wish to acknowledge your lover's sexual attractiveness to you with phrases like "It really excites me watching you move like that", "I love the way you smell" or "You taste absolutely delicious!"


The most important thing to remember in both erotic questioning and erotic feedback is to stay focused on your sensory experiences. Do not try to figure out something sexy to say to your lover. Such mental efforting can interfere with your own arousal and increase self-consciousness and anxiety. Rather, tune into the feelings of pleasure on your skin and in your body. Notice how the sight, sound, taste and smell of your lover is affecting you and give voice to those experiences. A genuine, truly felt, "Oh, you make me feel sooo good!" will be ten times more exciting to your partner than a forced sequence of "dirty talk" or an attempt to sound like a seductive vixen or Casanova from an erotic novel. As I describe in my book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, explicit sex talk can be done with ease, flair and feeling, but it is a skill that is best acquired after confidence is gained from practicing these more gentle approaches

Author's Bio: 

Bonnie Gabriel helps people express romantic and sexual desires in ways that create deep connection. She is the author of the Random House book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words and the manual Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements.

Her Words for Lovers blog helps readers discover new ways to give voice to the full spectrum of their experience as a lover - in body, mind, heart and spirit. She holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology from New York University and has been trained in Psychodrama, Focusing, Non-violent Communication (NVC), and other modalities.

She is offering readers a free copy of her manual Verbal Charisma: How to Attract a Lover and Pave the Way to a Passionate Connection .