Expectations in Relationships

Very often, the expectations we have of others stem from our own consciousness, our own psyche, and have little or nothing to do with the other person.

When we take our own ideals, standards, and values and use them as benchmarks of whether someone is good enough for us or good enough to us, we're bringing unhealthy expectations into the relationship. We then demand that the other person behaves in accordance with these expectations. So when he or she eventually does something that appears to be in deep contrast with the standards we've projected onto them, we often feel hurt, betrayed, angry and confused.

Have you ever done something nice for someone that you expected them to like, but they weren't showing the enthusiasm about it that you thought they might? It was something you would have appreciated someone doing for you, so why didn't they like it?

When we base our perception of our partner using our own beliefs, values and experiences, we're bound to be disappointed. We may then begin to drive our partner away by becoming cold and aloof, unappreciative, selfish and suspicious.

The truth is, people show us exactly who they are and how much they care for us through their everyday behaviors. They wake up early to prepare breakfast for us. They know exactly how we like our minced meat noodles. They leave the last fishball for us. They call almost everyday during lunchtime to see how we are. They sacrifice sleep to go shopping for the freshest crabs to make chili crab for us. I realize the high number of food-related examples, buy hey, I'm Singaporean - eating is our life!

Give it some thought and you'll realize how many different ways your partner shows you that he or she loves you. We need to stop fantasizing about how a perfect partner should behave. And we need to stop suspecting that things are not as they are.

Take a moment to think about someone for whom you have developed a set of expectations for. How accurate are the assumptions you have made about this person's feelings and behaviors? Can you see that many of your expectations of them really revolve around you and your own feelings, beliefs, hopes, needs, and desires related to the relationship? That these things have been projected onto them?

We continue to look at how bringing unrealistic expectations into a relationship can prevent us from developing love, honesty, and meaning.

Take a moment now to think about how you view your partner's words and actions. Do you usually tune out obvious clues to their authentic personality? Projecting upon them instead, a set of your own hopes, beliefs, needs and desires?

Of course, it usually seems safer and easier to stay in the secure cocoon of our fantasies. But if we remain there, we are guaranteeing ourselves more pain from the inevitable letdowns of unmet expectations. After all, how can anyone ever live up to an illusion?

When we choose to break the illusion and replace our assumptions and projections with a more truthful evaluation, we become free from expectations. We then have the opportunity to create a clearer and more honest relationship.

On the flip side, we may sense that we are part of someone else's illusions at times, and that they have made assumptions and expectations of us. If we are afraid of losing this person, we typically try to live up to these fantasies. We withhold our real selves, presenting instead a version of ourselves we think this person demands.

But when the cracks begin to show, where will you hide? Is the person in love with you or the version of you you've allowed that person to see? Are you contributing to the reinforcement of illusions and projections that others have related to you, that have led them to develop unrealistic expectations of you? We hold some responsibility here, not to conform to others' manufactured images of ourselves.

Be real with the people in your life. Let them know who you really are, and how you really feel. As you begin to see and accept them for who they truly are, gently help them to see their own mistaken assumptions and illusions they've built around you, and see the real you.

When we demonstrate the courage to embrace the truth, we can finally put an end to the pain of constantly being disappointed by our partners falling short of our expectations. Only then can we move forward to build a relationship rich in authenticity, intimacy, trust and deep emotional bonding.

As Nikos Kazantzakis once said, "I expect nothing. I am free."