Fair Fighting Rules for Separation and Divorce

Emotions can run riot during separation or divorce. High value topics such as child custody, property division, child support and security get shuffled with advice and criticism from all corners, to create a mental tangle that can shake up even the coolest customer. Add a couple of divorce lawyers to the mix and it can seem like the issues and challenges are popping steroids while at the same time, you get weaker from all the anxiety.

Having a set of rules or guidelines for what will be acceptable during discussions can save thousands of dollars in legal fees and months of stress for couples working to negotiate divorce settlement issues. The Fair Fighting Rules below include a number of common-sense items whose purpose is to keep discussions from becoming fights.

As much short-term relief as venting emotion may bring, in the medium and long-term the only people who gain are the lawyers. Every time you or your spouse disagree, overreact, or storm out of a discussion, your attorney gets paid (for that appointment and the next one that will now be necessary to cover the same ground all over again).

That is the financial cost. The emotional cost is that dwelling on frustrations make a person even more frustrated, something anyone facing separation or divorce just doesn’t need more of. It wears on your ability to settle the past, regroup, and look ahead.

Fair Fighting Rules

1. Pick one key topic.
One key topic per discussion will keep you both on target. Pick a fight as an excuse to vent every bad feeling you’ve ever had and it may be the last time the other side shows up.

2. Start out right.
Have at least one possible solution to each topic in mind before you start. Turn off cell phones and anything else that will distract you.

3. Stay open.
You can’t get to a solution if either person clams-up part way through a discussion. Also, letting your mate ‘spill’ can give you valuable insights into what it will take to reach a resolution.

4. No violence. Ever.
Punching, kicking and even name-calling or swearing are dangerous, unproductive and not allowed.

5. Speak for yourself.
It doesn’t matter if their mother, your mother or the plumber agrees with your point. You alone are responsible for any position you take.

6. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Take a moment to gather and weigh each thought before it tumbles out of your mouth. The conversation will stay on topic and be more productive.

7. Always/Never.
However used in a sentence, these are fighting words. They exaggerate and make the rest of your statement sound impossible. You can do better.

8. Skip the blame.
You wouldn’t be facing a potential fight if someone didn’t think the other messed up. Move past the blame and get to solving the issues.

9. Use ‘I’ statements.
Any discussion (or argument) is about having your thoughts, needs, beliefs, heard by your mate (I think, I feel, I would like). ‘You’ statements (you make me, you always) lack determination and take away from owning your position.

10. No ‘hitting below the belt’.
If you have to use your partner’s greatest fear or shame to win an argument, then you have likely lost more than you can measure.

11. Put on your ‘big-kid undies’.
Don’t take offense to every statement. However poor their delivery, assume your partner’s arguments are meant to express their feelings or get to a resolution, not to hurt you. If your blood does heat up, ask for clarification BEFORE going on the attack.

12. Stay in the present.
Bringing up multiple issues from the past will confuse the discussion and is bound to make the other person defensive. An outstanding past issue (if it is currently relevant) deserves a separate discussion.

13. Take turns speaking.
A discussion means both parties have said their piece and together find a solution. An egg timer or talking stick (cup, pen) held by the speaker may help remind the non-speaker to listen. Take turns with the ‘stick’.

14. Refer to the behaviour, not the person.
Your mate is not a lousy human being even though they may have done a lousy thing. Something like, ‘I was scared when you forgot to pick up the kids’ rather than, ‘You are such a jerk!’ gives your words clear meaning and lets others present see the issue rather than just emotion.

15. Take ‘time-outs’.
Agree ahead of time that either person can call a time out if they become too wound-up to stay in control or keep clear-headed. Set a time for the discussion to continue.

Include any other rules you and your mate agree to.

The process of separation and divorce is hard – it is not impossible. In fact, statistics show that the number of couples who DO NOT require help from the Court to complete their settlement negotiations is close to 90%.

If you and your soon-to-be-ex partner can agree on a set of rules for discussions, feel free to introduce those rules and require that your lawyers follow them as well. You may meet with some resistance, but remember that you are paying for their services before you allow a lawyer free reign to disrupt an otherwise productive discussion.

Regards,
T.R. Carder