False Self: Can A Man Pretend To Be A Man If He Experienced Developmental Trauma?

In today’s world, there are a number of different views when it comes to what it means to be a man. For some, being a man will involve being highly masculine and not very feminine.

This is likely to mean that he will need to have a muscular physique, be mentally strong, be able to lead himself and others, get things done, and be courageous and stoic. Having a fair amount of money and certain material possessions can also be seen as being important.

The Other Side

For others, being a man will involve having a well-developed masculine and feminine aspect. A man like this is then going to have developed some if not all what was listed above and he will have developed other parts of himself.

To be specific, he will have the ability to surrender, be led by others, and just be and allow things to take place. Additionally, be connected to and express how he feels, and, thus, take away the need for him to always keep everything in.

A Mixed Response

With this in mind, if a man comes across as highly masculine, he is going to be seen as being a man by some people. There can be those who will want to be like him, those who want to be friends with him and those who want to be with him.

At the same time, there will be those who criticise him, who don’t want to be friends with him and those who are repelled by him. However, due to what he is like, he might not typically care about how others respond to him.

Playing a Role

What he is like on the outside could be a reflection of what he is like on the inside; he will then be solid on the outside and he will be solid on the inside. Then again, what he is like on the outside might not be a true indication of what he is like on the inside.

In others words, while he will be a walking example of what it means to be a man to some people, deep down, he could feel like a scared and helpless boy. But, thanks to how disconnected he is from what is truly going on inside him, he won’t realise this.

Two Selves

In this case, he will have a strong disconnected self that he believes is who he is, and he will have a weak connected self that he is not aware of. What is truly going on for him, at a deeper level, won’t lie dormant, though, and not impact his life.

What can be normal is for him to heavily criticise and look down on those men who don’t fit his model of how a man should be. In all likelihood, these men will remind him of the parts of himself that he is alienated from and are being kept at bay by his false self.

A Full-Time Job

He is likely to unconsciously do what he can to make sure that his true feelings and needs don’t enter his conscious awareness. In addition to what his brain does to automatically keep his inner material at bay, there will be what he unknowingly does each day to aid in this process.

So, along with what he does for a living, he can exercise, watch videos, engage in casual encounters, and drink. Thanks to his inner and outer defences, there will be no reason for him to come face to face with himself.

Sexualised Feelings

If he has a high sex drive and is only interested in having casual encounters and doesn’t feel the need to be in a relationship, this can show that his feelings have ended up being re-channelled into another direction, so to speak. Behind his high sex drive can be the feelings and needs that he is unaware of.

Having sex can then allow him to release tension and to feel more at ease. But, as this will only be a temporary solution, his need to behave in this way won’t disappear.

Stepping Back

If something was to take place that caused his inflated false self to come crashing down and his true needs and feelings to enter his conscious awareness, he could feel weak, powerless and depressed and not understand what is going on. This could show that he has been let go at work, lost a loved one, or even had a breakup.

He will be at rock bottom and what he did before to keep his real self at bay will no longer work. What this may show is that during his early years, he was deprived of the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Back In Time

Throughout this stage of his life, he may have been physically harmed and/or neglected. But, as he would have been dependent and totally powerless, there wouldn’t have been a great deal that he could have done about what was going on.

To keep it together and function, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and he would have developed a disconnected false self. The years would have passed and his false self would have continued to adapt but his true feelings and unmet needs won’t have disappeared.

Coming Home

For him to be a whole and integrated human being, he will probably need to face and work through the pain and unmet developmental needs that are inside him. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.