Feedback as a Leadership Tool: Why Always Being Nice May Not Be Serving You or Your Organization

I have sung in church choirs on and off since the third grade. And what I’ve noticed over the years singing for many different directors, is that it’s not necessarily the ones who are nicest that I enjoy singing under the most. While I do value authentic “niceness” in general, what I have learned is that there is another quality that has a much more direct impact on the degree to which I enjoy a particular person’s direction. That quality is clear, timely feedback. The best director I have sung under was unwaveringly clear in what she wanted from us. When we gave it to her, she said so. And more importantly, when we didn’t, she let us know that immediately and clearly. (And then we practiced it until it sounded the way she wanted.) Although she’s a very nice person, the qualities that come through in those moments are clarity and expertise, and it always left me as a member of the “team” feeling taken care of and wanting to perform well.

In my last article, I focused on acknowledgement, which of course is a form of feedback critical for impactful leadership. The type of feedback I’m talking about here is in a sense the flip side of acknowledgement. For our purposes, let’s agree that feedback is the relaying of information to someone when their behavior or results are not aligned with what is expected or desired. The “someone” may be a direct report or may be a power partner on whom you are depending to help move a project forward.

In my work as an entrepreneurial coach, I work with many small business owners who pride themselves on being nice. And being a nice person is fine and admirable. But what I have also seen is that a desire to be nice can get squarely in the way of delivering clear feedback when things are going off course. You may be tempted to just go along and hope for change, or you might decide to just finish the job yourself because the confrontation doesn’t seem worth it and you don’t want to be seen as mean or confrontational.

I believe this is exactly the wrong approach and that you are doing no one any favors by tolerating sub-par performance and avoiding what may feel confrontational for you. What is needed most in these situations is clear and timely communication from you about what you are seeing, delivered in a clear, non-threatening way.

So what should you as a leader keep in mind when considering how and when to give feedback?
• First of all, it helps tremendously to have already set up clear, measurable expectations and goals so that it is objectively clear that something is off track
• Set up regular check-ins on progress so that there is already a built-in mechanism and expectation that feedback will be given
• You must be willing to confront when there is a gap
• Do not do the work for the other person. You are not doing them a favor by being a crutch or holding them small in that way. Give people the gift of accountability!
• Come to agreement on a plan to get things back on course. Include in the plan specific milestones and check-ins.

Don’t sacrifice clarity for niceness. Do give the people with whom you work the gift of believing that they are capable of producing the results they have already agreed to. Then hold them accountable for what they’ve said they’ll do. You--and they--will be better off!