Financial Bullying In Marriage: Financial Abuse In Marriage By Husband - Stop Financial Abuse In Marriage!

In Anna Quindlen's gripping novel "Black and Blue", a woman tries to escape from her abusive husband who is a policeman. She lives in terror that he will find her with the same tools he uses to pursue criminals.

The case of Drew Peterson, a policeman in Bollingbrook, Illinois, is still under investigation in the disappearance of his fourth wife Stacy. His third wife, whose body was dug up for further testing, showed signs of homicide. Relatives tell police that the husband abused the women. Peterson claims he loves Stacy and wants her to come home. Authorities have never located Stacy's body. No one has heard from her.

One of the earliest signs of future abusive behavior is financial control. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many women suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband's controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband's attitude and behavior, but they don't live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different.

It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is making a decision to control his partner's life by eliminating her ability to make choices, have access to money and be able to get around.

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Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

Where do you draw the line?

You may know someone whom you suspect is being financially abused and feel helpless. After her husband went on a physical rampage during an argument about money, a local socialite was rushed to the hospital with multiple fractures. He is the CEO of one of the country's largest financial institutions.

After a brief mention in the local newspaper, the story disappeared from all police reports and press archives. This incident is not unique; it happens more often than we realize.

On the other hand, you may not know that your neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won't tell you. You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He's not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. We might label his behavior difficult, eccentric or unpleasant, but we don't intervene

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it functions on a continuum of emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. The abuser's objective is control.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Exploiting your assets for personal gain.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

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To see love die is one of the saddest things to witness in life. If you are asking "how to rekindle the love you once had," then you must be going through a lot of pain at the moment. Love is a funny thing, but I guess you already know that. Love can hit you like a bolt of lightning but equally, it can disappear at a moment's notice.

If your marriage is going through a tough time at the moment, I can assure you that you are not on your own. I have been there and I know what it is like to be at war with someone you are supposedly in love with. There is good news; however, if you are serious about finding out how to rekindle the love you once had. Love can be very complicated, but what I found when I was in your position, is that I didn't have to over complicate an already delicate situation.

The first thing I realised I had to do was to talk with my wife and together, do some serious soul searching as to why we were both so unhappy in our marriage. That's it; tackle the situation head on, but in a loving, caring way with a view to making our marriage better. Once we identified where we were going wrong, it was a matter of putting an action plan together to ensure we stopped making these simple mistakes. After that it was plain sailing.

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One of the keys after all this in helping us to learn how to rekindle the love we once had, was to make sure that we put time into loving and appreciating each other. The odd night at the movies or dinner and the occasional romantic night away did wonders to bring us closer together, not just for the sex, but more importantly, the friendship.

We are now each other's best friend and I can honestly say that the time and effort that we put into fixing our marriage has been an investment in our future. Our marriage and our family could not be better and I thank God that the lights dawned on me early enough and paved the way for me to understand the importance of learning how to rekindle the love in our marriage.

The same can happen for you if you really want to make your marriage work rather than head to the divorce courts like so many, sadly seem to do these days.

You will be amazed to learn that when some couples hit tough times in their marriage, they make basic mistakes which makes it even harder for them to fix their marriage.

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Like most people, you probably have lots of "stuff" stored in your attic or garage. Boxes and crates of who knows what are living under the stairs and in the linen closet. The thing is, most of our marriages are a little like this, too; we've got old hurts and insults buried in our memory, waiting to be dusted off and used as a weapon. While trotting out good memories can be a beautiful, marriage-affirming activity, bringing out old hurts is not. Forgiveness in marriage shouldn't be one of those things gathering dust.

Forgiveness is as vital to a marriage as air. There's no way that two people can live together, share a life together, and not butt heads. Feelings WILL get hurt. Unkind things WILL be said. Without forgiveness, all of that is going to build up, cluttering under the staircases of our relationships, until it finally reaches the breaking point and spills yesterday out into today.

Decide that today will be the day that you start spring cleaning your marriage. Take out those old hurts and affronts, and make the conscious decision to forgive them. Forgiving them means that you won't bring them out ever again. You will banish them from your thoughts, by refusing to give them credence when they rear their heads again - and they will. After a time of deliberately kicking them out of your mind, they'll eventually take the hint and leave.

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Forgiveness isn't just a blessing to your spouse, either; it's a blessing for you. By choosing to forgive, you reaffirm your commitment to your marriage and to your partner. You sweep old hurts out of your marriage's "space", leaving room to move forward and make new, good memories. You free yourself from the hurt of poking at that old wound, keeping it open and bleeding. By offering forgiveness to your partner, you give yourself permission to heal and move on.

Now, if your spouse's behavior is threatening, or if they're physically or mentally abusive, you don't need to put up with that. However, chances are they're not intentionally "annoying" you. Even if they are, even if they DID do whatever you're holding onto - is it really benefiting anyone, hanging onto the hurt? Air it out, then forgive it and let it go. Ultimately, you can't control someone else's behavior; you can only control your reaction to that behavior.

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Thirty-four-year-old Justine loved her job as an EMT service person with her local Fire Department. She enjoyed the excitement of rushing to save people in car accidents or from overdosing alone at home. But when it came time to go home and be a wife and mother, she got anxious and stressed.

Would her two year old daughter Tricia run to her or be upset that her mom had been away so long and cling to the nanny instead? Could she trust her thirty-seven-year-old husband Andre, a policeman to remember to bring home the pet food for their three dogs? Was he going to take the dogs for a walk tonight so she could have some quality time with Tricia?

Anticipating being let down creates anxiety and fear of emotional intimacy

Anxiety rose to overflowing proportions as Justine pulled up her driveway and waited for the garage door to open having activated the remote control button. Her head started pounding and her breath became shallow. Her eyes scanned the house to make sure everything was okay, while that voice in her head kept speaking about her fury and disappointment that Andre just didn't seem to care about how stressed and overloaded she was. It was just liked she felt growing up as a young girl, coming home from school and finding her mother out, no food prepared and dogs that had messed inside because they hadn't been walked during the day!

As Andre got ready to switch his squad car for his own and head on home, his mind went to what he would be expected to do when he arrived. What would Tricia pick on to castigate him about tonight, and how could he communicate that he was doing a ton of things that she didn't see? Feeling invisible in what he did, he was spotlighted for what he didn't do, and nothing seemed to alter that pattern. That was how he used to feel on his way home from school as a young teen. Instead of complimenting him for his excellent school grades, he was lambasted by his overworked mother for not tidying his bedroom and clearing up the breakfast dishes earlier that day.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Filled with a mix of resentment and a need to defend what he expected would be an onslaught of accusations, Andre entered the house and went straight to pick up Tricia and give her a hug. Feeling ignored, Justine went ballistic. How could he put her in second place? She was his wife, yet she meant so little.

Attempting to apologize and placate Justine didn't help at all. She was incensed that no amount of repentance seemed to soften her tone. He was the embodiment of both her negligent parents and she wasn't going to be convinced otherwise. Furious and scared that he wasn't able to persuade his wife of his 'goodness', Andre took the dogs out, hoping she would feel his loss and welcome him back in a more contrite fashion.

As they got ready for bed that night, Andre wanted to get close and feel welcomed back into Justine's life. But she made sure to keep him out. She complained about the light on his night stand and the fact that she needed to be up at 5:00 am, telling him to use the guest room.

Three days later, Justine called Andre as she was driving home from a tough day at work. She had seen a woman bleed out on the road, unable to save her from a crushing vehicular hit and run. She wanted him to put his arms around her and comfort her, while she cried and wound down from the horror of what she had witnessed. But when she got home, Andre was cold and distant. He had prepared the dinner, this being his short working day, going through the motions of asking her stuff. Justine wished she could run away and find another person to comfort her, while simultaneously wanting to throw the dinner at Andre for not being what she needed at that moment.

Retaliation and punishment substitute for closeness and warmth

When Justine needs Andre he isn't available, and when Andre needs Justine she isn't available - impasse. Each one is longing to be wanted be close, but just at the moment it is most needed, the door gets slammed. Retaliation is the driving force, and the desire for emotional intimacy gets snuffed out.

This is a classic example of both partners being afraid of emotional intimacy. Despite their longing the fear trumps and they just keep shutting one and other out.

Fear of emotional intimacy

* makes you put the walls up even if you deprive yourself of something you desire.

* Makes you choose the safety of being shut in while keeping the other out.

* Makes you feel strong because you are punishing your loved one

BUT fear of intimacy also

* Keeps you isolated, alone and suspicious

* Keeps you feeling martyred in your goodness, making your partner 'bad.'

* Keeps the old story going about your partner being mean and cold- reinforcing it in a way that leaves no room for trust, safety and connection.

* Keeps you from knocking a hole in the wall and trying something new and rewarding.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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