Isn’t that what some people say to you when you want to try something new?
Especially if it rocks their boat. Especially if it changes their universe.
“It won’t work.”
“You can’t do it.”
“It’s never been done before.”
“You’re thinking of doing what?”
Or, (laughing and pointing their finger at you) “Who, YOU?”
Or perhaps your friends/relatives and well wishers are politer than this. They are concerned for your welfare and safety. They don’t want you to get hurt. And with a practical view of life, they point out what can go wrong.
“Well of course you can be an astronaut, but do you really understand astrophysics?”
“I know basketball is your passion, but you’re no taller than President Sarkozy.”
“I can see you’re determined to lose weight, but, let’s face it, you do like your food.”
“Well I know he’s difficult to live with but can you really live without his credit card?”
And perhaps they have an unspoken agenda in all this:
“You can’t leave your husband – because then it makes my marriage feel unsafe.”
“You don’t need to lose weight – because then I’ll feel less attractive than you.”
“Surely you don’t want to go for that promotion – because then our friendship might suffer.”
“Isn’t this the wrong time for you to start your own business – because then I’ll have to face the fact that you are going for your dreams while I am ignoring mine.”
And of course you are NOT stupid. You are a sensitive, caring, giving person. Which makes you want to go out and be better, improve your life, live in line with your values and chase your dreams. And it also makes you sensitive to what people say, particularly their unspoken messages.
And it’s so, so easy to sink back into the place you were in before, instead of moving forward into what you want to do in life. If there is the slightest doubt or fear or anxiety it can be very difficult to get beyond the negative comments of others. And you stop believing in yourself and get trapped in your own anxiety.
Since I’ve been there, I want to share with you some steps in creating courage. So here is an exercise I think will help you straightaway.
Think about the dream thing you want to do that demands courage. As you do so, you’ll get a little bit of fear. If you find yourself feeling a lot of fear, back up a bit, turn the volume down on what you are imagining or imagine the picture fading a little bit. When your dream is at the right level of intensity (probably a bit exciting but also a little bit scary), go on to the next step.
Now look at your fear. Again, don’t get too close or too emotionally wrapped up in this. Using the thinking, logical part of your brain, ask if the fear is a fear of moving forward (which generally involves a fear of the unknown) or is it a fear of losing something, leaving something behind (this can be described as a far of loss). Fear of the unknown or fear of loss? And there may be elements of both.
This now tells you what you need to do next. Fear is connected with our deepest needs and exploring that is a HUGE topic (that we may well look at some other time). For now, on a very practical level, deal with your fears the following way:
For a fear of loss: what is it you have in your past that you want to take into your future? What are you afraid of losing? Once you have articulated this potential loss you can explore ways to reduce or avoid it. You may feel that the benefits of moving forward outweigh the loss. And you may not – it’s up to you. You may feel you’ll lose your friends, your current comfort factors, your niceness. But you don’t know how you might feel until you ask these questions.
For a fear of the unknown: so you want to move into the future, your future, but something about it bothers you. What are you afraid might happen? And will it really happen? For instance, if you give up your job will you really turn into a bag lady in Central Park (an unlikely outcome that some people imagine even if they are male and live in central London). If you become a size 8 will you really be set upon by unreconstructed males who wish to make untoward advances that you’ve never in your life acquired the skills to handle? If you give up your husband will you really turn into the mad cat lady whose home is filled with near-feral moggies and whose house is avoided on Halloween? Probably not but you need to voice the fear before you can get past it.
And knowing whether you are afraid of moving from the past or into the future is one of the first steps you can take in changing your life – to step forward into the future YOU want.
(c) 2009 Liz Copeland
Liz Copeland is the creator of the True Courage Coaching Process. If you are on the brink of something big, but feel too afraid to take the steps you need to get there, True Courage Coaching will guide you step by step to create the change you desire! If you are being forced to take a big step because of events beyond your control, the True Courage Coaching Process will support you to powerfully move forward. So if you’ve lost the job, your partner or your waistline and you want to get to step up and into your ideal future you can get started right away with your free True Courage Creation Kit at http://www.truecouragecoaching.com
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