Forgiveness Frees the Forgiver

Is there someone in your life that you are holding a grudge against? Is there someone who has wronged you or hurt you in any way and you want them to hurt just the way they hurt you?

Whenever we hold a grudge against another for any harm we believe they have caused us, it is ourselves we are actually hurting. Notice that term “holding a grudge.” There is something that we are actually holding onto and unwilling to release or let go of. We know when we are carrying or holding a grudge because our minds and hearts are filled with thoughts of revenge and anger about what the other did to us. This “holding” – in our mind and in our hearts – is a form of self-inflicted punishment, We are inflicting mental and emotional pain onto ourselves over and over again by replaying the experience of the initial pain.

This may be astonishing to hear, but we can find ourselves becoming the victim and the predator within the confines of our own minds. We are all familiar with victimhood (ie. Blaming the other person for our pain). As predators, we can trick ourselves into believing that we are directing this negative mental energy outwards towards the one who hurt us, but because the dialogue is going on inside our minds, it is actually directed inward. This is when we are preying on ourselves.
Now don’t get me wrong here. We could have been sincerely hurt and wounded by any experience that any human being has the right and dignity to feel the pain of. How long we feel that pain is entirely up to us. I’ve heard it said that pain is something we feel when we are hurt by something or someone when it initially happens. For instance, my girlfriend breaks up with me and I cry and mou
for a period of time, or I burn my hand in fire and I scream. There is an initial feeling of pain, and an expression of that pain. Suffering – on the other hand – is what we do to ourselves when we re-live and re-play the initial experience over and over in our minds. The initial experience is gone and past, and now we are inflictors of our own suffering by giving the initial pain our attention and energy. This is a form of self-punishment; it’s like pouring salt into an open wound. It’s when we find ourselves angry and wanting the other to suffer – just like we did because that’s only fair – that we are left “holding” the bag. The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” n n I’d like to offer you another way of seeing forgiveness all together. Imagine that forgiving another for something they’ve done to you is really giving yourself the gift of “letting go” of the grudge that you’ve been carrying around with you; letting go of that hot coal of anger that is burning you. Forgiveness is a gift that you are giving to yourself, and for yourself. Now if you think this means you’re letting the other person of the hook, it’s quite the contrary. You are actually releasing the need to tell yourself the story that you have to “hold” onto that hot coal in your hand, because someone has to make them pay, right? Wrong. That “someone” who pays will always be you if you choose to continue to hold that hot coal in your hand. You are the one burning yourself.

I want to invite you to let go of that hot coal. If there is anyone in your life right now who you are “holding” a grudge against, I invite you to try this exercise.

Close your eyes. In your mind’s eye imagine you are holding a hot piece of coal that is burning you, and you want to throw it at the other person to hurt them back. Now, drop it. Let it go. And feel the release in your body and mind. Feel the freedom singing in your heart. Allow yourself to feel the freedom of letting go of that burning hot coal. Now, place your hand in a cool stream of water and allow the water to soothe and heal your wound. Feel the peace and serenity pouring through your body, mind, and soul. Rejoice and celebrate knowing that you can see how forgiveness frees the forgiver.