Go to Sleepy Already!

I just listened to a segment of Robin Young’s Here and Now on NPR. The segment was about an ebook that has gone viral even though it has not yet been published. The title of the book, by Adam Mansback, is Go the F**K to Sleep.

NPR was being coy and giving the title as “Go the F*** to Sleep”, so I was able to delude myself that the title was actually “Go the For Goodness Sakes to Sleep” until I checked out the Facebook page for the book and was confronted with a picture of the cover.

Now, despite the vulgarity, parents all over the country are pre-ordering it – before it has even gone to press. Apparently, sweet, innocent little kids are turning their parents into blubbering masses of frustration with their refusal to go to sleep. The book a’parent’ly fulfills a felt need.

I would like to propose a sequel aimed at the felt need of Baby Boomers and older who lie awake night after night staring at the ceiling, saying to themselves, “Will you go the F**K to sleep already!”

Just imagine: Instead of cute pictures of darling children, you could have pictures of prim little grannies lying awake beside their raucously snoring spouses.

Or you could have a picture of a bleary-eyed and obviously grumpy gramps propped up in the bed watching the late, late, late show on TV.

Or a picture of the retreating buns of the sixty-year-old woman rushing to the bathroom because she had tried to convince herself that she didn’t really need to go.

Or a picture of someone throwing the alarm clock against the wall and cursing (You could use *****s for the bad words) because they only finally got to sleep ten minutes before the alarm went off.

Or – well, you could have any number of such illustrations.

And the text? Not having seen the original (since it has not actually been published), I don’t think I will be infringing on anyone’s copyright when I suggest:

Oh, for goodness sakes, will you go to sleep
you weary granny or gramps
You know your eyes are heavy,
your lids like wet stamps.

No, you don’t have to take a wiz again.
What on earth were you thinking
When you stuffed yourself with all that rich food
and when you kept on drinking.

Well, for crying out loud, if you must….
But you’d better hurry
You know if you dribble on the floor,
your wife will be quite surly.

No! Don’t throw that remote at the TV.
The commentator may be a fool,
and the comedian may not be funny
but the remote is an innocent tool.

Don’t take your ire out on the remote
The crash of glass will wake your spouse
who is now so soundly sleeping.
Do you want to end up in the doghouse?

Well, okay. It’s not great poetry. But I’m willing to work with an editor. Any publishers interested? Maybe you should sleep on it.