Many are driven by a host of factors which drive them to “fall in love” with the wrong person and enter unhealthy relationships. Developing Self-Awareness, understanding the factors that control them and making the necessary changes are important in order to stop such pattern from happening. They then become able to find, develop and maintain a healthy and satisfying intimacy.


“Falling in love” isn’t always “a piece of cake”

Anonymous story

She “fell in love” after having had “a hard time behind her”. And soon enough he became very significant for her. And soon enough he decided they should move in together. And soon enough he began to “advise” her “how to do her life”, what activities to get involved with, which friends to see or not see, how often to call sick at work, and so on and so forth.

Deep inside she felt he is not for her! Deep inside she knew something is wrong! But she kept being with him, following his “advice”, letting him decide almost everything related to her and to them. During the months they spent together she became more and more frustrated, more and more disillusioned and angrier. Still, she stayed in the relationship. And she might have stayed there longer, if it wasn’t him who left her for another woman…

Why do people stay in a relationship which isn’t good?

This woman’s story is not a-typical. It might have happened to you, or to people you know. It is a story which happens often, and is often the theme of a novel or a movie. But if such a story happened to you, the fact that it is not a-typical shouldn’t comfort you. What might concern you is the question: what has made you fall for someone like that and for a relationship like that?

In case it has happened once in your life-time, this is one thing. But in case you often find yourself in similar situations, you may want to ask yourself: What’s going on here? What attracts me to people who aren’t for me? And, most important: What makes me hand on to such people and in such relationships?

Confronting your fears and needs is important

It is only when you ask yourself these questions and are willing to take a closer look at yourself that you can realize what makes you behave in self-sabotaging and self-hurting ways. It might well be that you are driven by uncontrolled needs for love and attention; by the fear of being alone; or by a bottomless neediness to be in a relationship in order to “prove” to yourself that you are desirable, attractive and/or good company (which might help you deal with self-esteem issues).

Whatever the reason for your “falling in love” with people who aren’t for you and for “sticking on” with them, it is highly probable that you are frustrated, angry, sad, disillusioned, and insecure about the way you “do” life and relationships.

Why is Self-Awareness is the solution?

In order to figure out the reason for your emotional and behavioral patterns, you may want to consider developing your Self-Awareness. That means, getting in touch with whatever it is that drives you to behave the way you do. It means, unraveling whichever fears and needs might control you; realizing whatever messages about partners and relationships you have internalized at a young age which still control you; acknowledging unrealistic expectations and fantasies you may hold to about love and intimacy.

It is when you develop your awareness and get in touch with a host of factors which exert power of you, that you can begin to change you attitudes and behaviors and become able to find, develop and maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Many have done just that and triumphed. Wouldn’t you?

Author's Bio: 

Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, counselor and consultant, has written many articles on the interplay between self-awareness and relationships, and is the author of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!” Available as eBook and paperback: