Whether someone has just started to work on their wounds or has been doing so for a little while, they are going to want their life to change. As to why they are engaging in this work, it could show that they were deeply deprived during their early years.

If so, this may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected on a regular basis. They might have suffered long before this, though, as their birth and time in their mother’s womb might have been deeply traumatic.

One Intention

When it comes to what they are doing to change their life and move forward, they could be working with a therapist and/or be part of a healing group. Along with this, and if they are not working with anyone else, they could be doing work on themselves.

For example, they might not value themselves or feel as though they are enough. Therefore, they will want to develop a felt sense of worth and to know deep, down, that they are enough.

External Support

If they are working with a therapist, they might be pleased with the work that has been taking place. They might be able to see that based on how they were in the beginning, they are making progress.

As for how often they work with them, this could take place every week or every few weeks. This could be something that will take place for a number of months if not years and, after a while, they could end up working with someone else.

One Direction

If it was put forward to them that even though they say they want to move forward, there are other parts of them that don’t, they could dismiss what has been said. They could say that they want to move forward and that they are not interested in living a miserable existence.

However, although this will be true on one level, it doesn’t mean that it will be true on another, deeper level. At a deeper level, they can have a number of different parts that want something else entirely.

A Closer Look

If feeling of value is a challenge for them, then they are likely to carry a part that not only feels worthless but also doesn’t believe that they deserve to have their needs and wants to be met. Thus, as this part of them won’t expect much and its expectations will be so low, it is not going to take a lot for them to feel satisfied.

They can then make a small amount of progress over a long period of time and be more than happy with what is going on. In fact, simply having someone there (the therapist) who listens to what they have to say and respects them can have a massive impact on them.


Without realising it, they are likely to project one or both of their parents onto the therapist and this will allow them to temporarily fulfil certain unmet developmental needs. By doing this, part of them will be able to receive what it missed out on all those years ago and feel loved, valued and supported.

This will then play a part in why they are able to feel better about themselves whilst having therapy. If this is brought up and acknowledged, they will be able to work through these unmet needs.

Drifting Along

The months and even years could continue to pass and they might continue to make progress with one or a number of different therapists, but their life might not end up being transformed by any means. And, if they were to stop working with someone, they could soon experience a dip in how they feel.

This will partly be the result of a relationship coming to an end and partly, as has been mentioned, due to the impact that transference was having on them. If they were to see that they haven’t made much progress, they could feel incredibly frustrated and hopeless and helpless.

A Natural Outcome

Ultimately, if 20 per cent of them wants to change their life, 80 per cent of them won’t want to. Unknowingly, then, they will have only felt comfortable making a small amount of progress and they may have even unconsciously chosen certain therapists and techniques that would only allow them to make minimal progress.

Another part of this is that if their early years were very traumatic, they won’t have developed a felt sense of safety and security. Not having this in place is likely to mean that they are unlikely to feel safe enough to grow and expand, which is what will happen if they are able to transform their life and regularly fulfil their needs and wants.


Now, this is not a time for them to lay into themselves as they won’t have consciously chosen to go in this direction. If this does happen, they can take a step back and observe their inner critic.

What it is time for is for them to objectively look over what has been taking place and to see if they need to make a few different decisions. Becoming aware of what is going on will have been painful but at least it will stop them from continuing to go down the same path.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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