How do Stinginess, Jealousy & Unfaithfulness & the Need for Control Harm Your Relationships?

Denying traits, emotions and behaviors and projecting them onto your partner sabotages your relationships. As long as you are not aware of this being the case you will continue harm your relationships time and again. Becoming aware is therefore the key to change.

Here are three examples of the damage denials and projections cause to the relationship.

Meanness & stinginess

Example

Monica and Warren have been dating for three months already and he hasn’t yet invited her for a weekend out of town. To make things worse, sometimes, when they go to a movie or out for dinner, he suggests that she pays a part of what they spend together. Does he have no shame? Shouldn’t he be paying for her? What kind of man doesn’t pay for his girlfriend?

Explanation

Monica is convinced that she isn’t stingy. She simply thinks that the man should pay for everything. She’s angry with Warren because he doesn’t agree with her.

Analysis

When you don’t accept a trait in yourself, like stinginess, for example, you’re liable to accuse your partner and get angry at him/her for being “tainted” with stinginess. You might even resort to justifying yourself by stating socially-accepted codes of behavior (such as: "a man should always pay").

Unconscious thoughts of jealousy and unfaithfulness

Example

Harold accuses Susan of cheating on him. And if she isn’t being unfaithful, he knows that she has "thoughts" about his friend Art. When Susan gets home late, Harold immediately claims that she must have met Art or someone else.

No matter how much Susan tells him that it is absolutely not true, that she loves him and doesn’t want anyone else; that he should know that she’s faithful to him - nothing helps. Harold is insistent: if she isn't cheating on him, what other reasons could there be to come home late?

Explanation

Harold is projecting his own wishful thinking on to Susan. Although he perceives cheating as immoral behavior, he feels attracted to other women, but denies his desires and projects them onto Susan.

Analysis

When you have a desire to cheat which you don't accept in yourself, you’re liable to project it onto your partners. In fact you’re saying: “I’m free of these desires. I don’t want to be unfaithful, but you are not free of them”. You suspect your partner of cheating; you lose your faith in him/her, and you see any unusual behavior (such as arriving late for a date or staying late at work) as an indication that he/she is being unfaithful. You’re also sure that you are right and you are not ready to accept any expression of innocence.

An unconscious need for control

Example

Bill is sick and tired of Evelyn's need to control him! He’s fed up with her instructions! He can’t stand her telling him what to do any more! Some time away from her wouldn’t hurt him. Why did he ever get into such a relationship in the first place, while all he wanted was someone calm and serene?

Analysis

When you’re not aware of your need for control, you’re liable to perceive yourself as flexible and compromising. At the same time, you’re liable to interpret your partner’s behavior – even his/her innocent comments and suggestions – as attempts to control you, and you accuse him/her of being dominating and aggressive.

How do repressions, denials and projections harm your relationships?

When you continually accuse your partner for having traits, emotions, needs and fears that you deny within yourself, get angry with him/her and demand that he/she changes, they are liable to react with anger of their own and accuse you in a similar way. As a result, you’re liable to find yourselves in a mix of frustration, arguments, misunderstandings and mutual recriminations, thus sabotaging your relationship. You fight, become alienated and maybe even leave your partner or are left by him/her.

Becoming aware of your denials enables you to stop projecting and developing a satisfying relationship

As you develop Self-Awareness and become aware of your denials and projections enables you to take responsibility for your reactions and behaviors, stop projecting onto your partner and proceed to developing a satisfying and healthy intimacy.