The best situation is of course, for a woman to ask YOU out, but that presents a different set of challenges than those around how you’re going to “get up the nerve,” whether or not she is already with someone else, or any other manner of concerns you may have that prevent you form what comes natural – what you were meant to do.

That is of course, the best of all – when being a man, doing what men do, and a woman responds as women have done for all time, closer to you, receptive to the touch you didn’t even know you’d already made, all after first having been your natural self, one mysterious to her, compelling and curious to her, a cause for several questions in her mind, and then dozens more, hundreds eventually, and only one of which she manages to say in words… because now she is self-aware, and self-conscious.

But just a bit.

Women enjoy sex as much as you do, and yet they are more likely than you to insist that sex be paired with knowing you well, friendship with you, not just desire, and that at the very very least, sex must be “special” with you, and in your experience of her, or she will not even consider it.

The point of this is that even in approaching her, you have already telegraphed that you want to sleep with her or you wouldn’t even be trying. You know it, and she knows it, so you’d might as well get over it now.

Take a breath. Now you know something incredibly powerful. It’s that if she does not take an interest in your conversation after you approach her, it does not necessarily mean that she doesn’t want to sleep with you. It may mean that she feels unattractive. It may mean that she doesn’t know yet what you would be like, whether it would be special, or whether you would be the type to “love her and leave her” or not. It may mean that she has a boyfriend, or if not, that she still is not sure she is interested.

But if she DOES respond to your approach with interest, does tolerate your touch, smile back at your friendliness, or after all this, responds to your first few words of the sentence where you will set up a time and place to meet again with keen interest and constant eye contact… you can be assured she has already imagined sleeping with you and likes the fantasy.

Which is all it is at this point. But it’s very, very possible.

If you simply hold back the details of what you’re all about, yet convey a competence at being in the world, an interest in it, and in her, and a pleasant emotional tone – one that’s warm, and yet strong, like that of her father, directive but respectful too – you will find that somewhere between your shared interests and commonalities, and the witty banter of the differences and disagreement that you both boldly acknowledge, your eyes will meet, and it won’t matter who makes the suggestion:

One or the other of you will say, “We need to do that together,” whatever THAT is.

And then you will know there is no such thing as “ASKING a woman out.” There is only the statement that recognizes there is a small destiny in what place and what words you will share next – a statement, a recognition not a request, neither a favor nor a demand.

A story between you has started, and nothing had to be forced, except that you had to dare to both be yourself, and be the assertive force in desiring to know another person and be known.

Author's Bio: 

Paul Dobransky, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist, public speaker and relationship expert who has treated more than 10,000 patients in 15+ years in clinical psychiatric care. Journalists and clients worldwide have sought Dr. Paul's advice on dating, relationships and all aspects of human psychology.

Dr. Paul pioneered MindOS, a new, patent-pending approach to understanding relationships, mood problems and stress. MindOS synthesizes all schools of therapy into a single, effective system-based approach that uses plain language to help people understand psychology and solve problems. Go to to learn more.