One of the most common complaints that I hear from women about their male lovers is that they are just to genitally focused. It's become clear to me that many women seek a more soulful experience in sexual love that relates to the heart as well as the genitals. Their craving for it is so deep that its absence insures her dissatisfaction at a primal level. Women often use the words "sexual intimacy" to describe what they are looking for in sex. However, for many men, the term sexual intimacy seems to mean only sexual intercourse, or other forms of genital fulfillment. Sadly, as far as women are concerned, for many of these lusty male creatures, raw sex, and only raw sex, may become the barometer for the health of the relationship. Men, much more than women, love a genital focus and they’re crazy about women who provide it. Thus, a major dilemma for women becomes, how to hold men to a higher standard of lovemaking that includes a heartfelt connection? Without it, a woman will never feel satisfied to the core, and despite what some men claim, neither will they.

On some level, we all know that sex without love is one dimensional since it is mostly restricted to the genitals. If there is only sex, no matter how intense or outrageous the orgasm(s) may be, something is missing. Sooner or later, dissatisfaction will creep in because sex without love is just to limited to create a truly memorable experience.

The problem is that while many men are sexually open, too often their hearts are extremely guarded. And, even in cases where a man may be extremely loving, too often he may be a bit shut down sexually. Men in particular, seem to have difficulty connecting the heart and genitals. For these men, love and sex appear to be entirely separate entities. Love may involve the heart, but sex happens between the legs. It's not unusual for a guy's genitals to wilt like a flower that's lost its bloom if his heart is very open. And if his penis is throbbing with lust and uncontrollable desire, he may just forget that he even has a heart. Experience tells me that as a general rule, men are more disconnected than women and therefore require more training in the sexual arts in order to unify the heart and genitals. Nevertheless, even in the absence of love, many men still find it fairly easy to enjoy sex. If you don't think so, just reflect on their fondness for pornography, masturbation, prostitution and one-night stands.

You see, it's very likely that many young men learn about sex as horny teenagers jerking-off in the bathroom devoid of any emotional involvement. Safe in their comfort zones, these young men are conditioned to pursue the short-sighted goal of ejaculation without feeling obliged to love at all.

News flash: Women are different! For most women sex and love are one. There hearts and genitals are deeply connected. When a woman's heart is truly open to a man, her genitals gush like a swollen river and her vagina opens like a flower in bloom. Women seem to intuitively recognize the importance of establishing this deeper connection. For them it is a fairly easy and natural process. Women generally share tantra's viewpoint that love and sex are synonymous. The Hindus use the Sanskrit word "kama" that embraces both love and sex indivisibly. When relating to men, women tend to bring the whole inseparable package of their human qualities along for the ride. When they open themselves sexually, the floodgates of their emotions and even their spirituality will likely pour forth.

The following heart-opening "sexercise" offers men and women a chance to reconcile these seemingly divergent needs. How? Quite simply by giving him the direct genital stimulation that he craves, and then helping him to channel the energy of arousal into his heart center. Raising sexual energy in this fashion connects the heart and the genitals reuniting the marriage of love and sex. In this way, both parties get what they want. He gratefully receives the genital attention that he craves from her, and she becomes the recipient of his overflowing heartfelt love energy.

This powerful sexercise has the potential to change the dynamics of a sexual relationship in an extraordinary way. I still use it almost daily. It works equally well for both men and women. It may be done solo, or with a partner. The directions are offered here as if you are playing solo, but can be easily adapted for partner play, just use your creative imagination to make it work.

Pleasure yourself. Stimulate yourself to arousal. Stop just short of climax. This is the point-of-no-return where you know that you would climax with any additional stimulation. Stop all stimulation! Bring your awareness to the heart area in the middle of your chest. Rest, as you breathe deeply through the nose with the express purpose of filling the chest cavity with your activated sexual energy. For men, the partial loss of your erection (normal) and the hardening of your nipples (women too!) is a signal that sexual energy has successfully been redirected into the heart center. After each rush of energy to the heart, the cycle may be repeated again and again until there is no more sexual energy to play with, or until you just feel like stopping. That’s all there is to it!

Where the mind goes the energy flows! You’ve all heard this, so here is a practical application of this energetic truth. Understand, though, that you must have a clear intention to redirect the sexual energy upward. When the orgasmic energy is moved upward, the sexual tension spreads beyond the genitals and pelvic area. A subtle energy channel opens in the body just prior to climax, and if you rest at this time with your focused attention at the heart center (not your genitals), the orgasmic energy will naturally flow upward to nourish and open the heart center. Be prepared, though, because after a lifetime of habitually focusing on the genitals during arousal (after all, that’s where we first feel pleasure), redirecting your focus to the heart during intense sexual excitation will take some practice. There is no prohibition against coming, just delay it long enough to move as much energy into the heart as you can. Just enjoy what is happening and bring as much awareness to this sexercise as possible. May the force be with you.

Author's Bio: 

Victor Gold, is a holistic health educator specializing in erotic spirituality. He has a private practice offering tantric instruction and sexual healing in Santa Rosa, California. Victor, has been featured in several instructional videos including Deborah Sundhal's, "Tantric Journey Into Female Orgasm," and Joseph Kramer's, "The Best of Vulva Massage." He is the author of the groundbreaking book, "The Potency Principles: Transforming Sexual Energy Into Spiritual Power."