How To Be Obedient To Your Husband: How Does A Woman Submit To Her Husband

Ephesians 5:22 commands the wife to submit to her husband while Ephesians 5:25 commands the husband to love his wife. But are these two separate things? I don't think so.

Submission is always an act of love and love is always an act of submission. These are not unrelated commands. In fact, they may be one in the same. Love is not some warm, fuzzy, or tingling feeling that you get. Love is an action that involves submission, or the giving up of something important to you so that someone else may benefit.

John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. God submitted His Son, Jesus Christ, into the hands of sinners to be tortured and ultimately killed so that these same torturers and murders would have a means to get to heaven. That is love. But it was also a tremendous act of submission.

The Bible says in John 15:13: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Again, we see that this great love is accompanied by an act of great submission. Submission and love go hand in hand.

Even in Ephesians 5:25 where God commands the husband to love his wife, He gave the example of Jesus and the Church: "...even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Jesus loved the Church by giving up His life for it. Again, we see that love and submission are one and the same thing.

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Jesus, while talking to the Disciples, said in John 14:15, "If you love me, keep my commandments." Thus, one means of loving Jesus is to submit your will to His commands.

When there is true love, there is true submission. You can't have the one without the other. Every time I love my wife, I submit my will to hers. I choose to do something that she wants rather than what I want. She, in turn, does the same for me.

So why then did God word it this way? Why didn't He simply use the word 'love' or 'submit' in both instances? I believe God had it worded in such a way in order to appeal the greatest to our natures as men and women.

Women define themselves by their relationships. When a woman is insecure, she often seeks to dominate or control the relationship in order to feel good about it-feel secure. Even during her attempts to control the relationship, she will think she is loving her man. She won't necessarily see it as anything else. God used the word 'submit' because it strikes at the heart of her actions. She isn't loving until she is submitting.

Men, on the other hand, define themselves by their work or their capacity to perform a duty or role. Most men, however, do not willingly surrender these roles to anyone, man or woman. They tend to say, 'I can do it myself', 'I don't need any help', 'I don't need directions' and so forth. When you use the word 'submit' a man thinks of surrender. Most men get stubborn when you tell them surrender. But using the word 'love', will strike at the heart of a man's failure. In refusing to budge, or give an inch, he hasn't loved his wife as he ought to. Get him to love, and he will have submitted. He needs to understand that submission is not an act of surrender, but an act of love.

God, I believe, chose these words to fit best with our nature and particular roles. It merely demonstrates how smart and intelligent God is.

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Except in the case of abuse or battering, the real barrier to a satisfying intimate relationship is not the personality, selfishness, ill-will, poor behavior choices, or communication skills of you or your partner. The real enemy of your relationship is the hypersensitive Automatic Defense System (ADS) that has evolved between you.

Activated almost entirely without words, the ADS gets triggered unconsciously by body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. By the time you're aware of any feelings, it's usually in an advanced stage. It's the feeling you get when your partner doesn't look at you or when you hear the door close before he/she enters the room, or when he or she starts with that "tone." Suddenly you find yourself in a defensive posture, prepared for the worst.

Of course, when you are both defensive, the worst is likely to happen. You can just as suddenly find yourself in a battle of cold shoulders or curt exchanges or hot arguments - the missiles seem to start flying on their own, with no one giving the order. You both feel powerless. You get irritable, impatient, resentful, or angry and want to stonewall, ignore, avoid, shut down, criticize, yell, or devalue yourself or your partner.


The sensitivity level of the ADS varies throughout the day. In its hypersensitive stage, anything - serious or trivial - can set off your ADS. There are certain times when it is likely to become hair-trigger:

o When your physical resources are low - you're, tired, thirsty, hungry, sick

o During transitions - stopping one thing and starting another, such as coming, going, waking, driving, starting dinner, finishing dinner, etc.

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o Under stress

o When anxious or depressed

o Within a year or two of attachment losses - loved ones moving away or passing away.

But even when your physical and mental resources are high, certain incendiary triggers are so powerful that anything close to them will set off your ADS. These usually invoke the memories of some form of past betrayal, such as:

o Infidelity

o Abuse

o Financial secrets

o Deception

o Threats of abandonment

o Having intimately revealed vulnerabilities thrown up to you (childhood wounds, fears, past failures, etc.).

Over time, the ADS tends to stay in a hypersensitive state more or less continuously, as you come to expect that your partner will let you down in some way.

Preemptive Strikes

Like all defensive systems, the hypersensitive ADS has preemptive strike capacity that is also mostly unconscious. Without intending to, you have an urge to get your partner with some kind of critical remark before he or she gets you. It may seem like you are always defensive, but many times you are striking first in anticipation that you partner is about to do the same.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news about your ADS:

o It runs on automatic pilot

o Like any habit, it's hard to break.

The good news about your ADS:

o You still care about what your partner thinks

o Your emotional well being is still intertwined.

You probably know couples who are largely numb to one another. They are not interested enough in the negative opinions of each other to be hurt by them. They don't hurt because they don't care. Where there is pain, at least there is life, and a motivation to heal and improve.

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Disarming Your ADS

It's important to realize that in the vast majority of cases you inadvertently push each other's buttons. Even though it may seem that your partner is out to make your life miserable, neither of you likes the way you feel when your ADS gets triggered. Neither of you wants it to be triggered. The secret to disarming it is to see your partner as an ally in the effort rather than a nemesis.

To disarm your ADS:

o See it as a pattern between you rather than something your partner does to you

o Make a core value decision of what is more important to you, giving in to your ADS or disarming it to connect with your partner

o Maintain the will to disarm it, even when it feels awkward or scary to do so

o Appreciate times of hypersensitivity and the enormous power of incendiary triggers

o Be compassionate to yourself and your partner

o Be allies against it - it's bigger than either one of you but not bigger than both of you

o Be able to say, "Oh, we're triggered again; let's set it right. You're important to me; I want us to be close."

One thing is for sure: Your ADS is not going to improve without determined effort. If you conscientiously try the above and still find that it is too difficult to break on your own, your ADS has become reflexive and habituated. In that case, you may need some internal reconditioning to eliminate it completely, such as that provided by HEALS.

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FOLLY is all I can call it. Tolerance is all I can call the response. The day I married Sarah I said in my speech that we were going to have a "first-class marriage."

What little did I know. Idealism, for me, was off the scale.

Fast forward one week and the brittleness of newlywed marriage was all too clear. Two weeks later and I was sinking into a depression.

Mapping idealism is important for partners entering marriage. Very often one partner is highly idealistic, and it spells trouble. Worse if it's both partners.

I was so idealistic that I plunged into a two month season of depression. A midlife crisis, no less. All because I'd not truly thought ahead to the realities of marriage.

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I had no idea that I didn't know my wife.

I thought I knew her through and through. How wrong I was. And she really didn't know me like I thought she must. It took until we were married to really begin to know each other - and that process never stops. Suddenly we had to decide whether we even liked each other or not. And we had done everything possible to plan ahead our marriage - the best counselling, dozens of discussion dates, wise counsel of mentors, and we were both pastors. Surely this was to our advantage? Not so. Certainly not as much as we thought it would be beneficial.

The structures of trust and respect had to be constructed from the basement up. Suddenly love was not so easy. Intimacy was a daily challenge. So many times we hurt each other, yet rarely with intention. We missed each other a thousand times, without a hint of exaggeration. But we stuck at it.

The years have taught us that marriage is a daily commitment of overlooking offenses. Marriage is ultimately only as strong as each one of those twenty-thousand re-commitments - if we're fortunate enough to marry early enough in life, and to stick at it long enough, to be married 54.75 years.

And marriages only get stronger by the day. We must have faith in that. It's always up to both partners. And it's always about our partner.

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How to make your husband want you? No single marriage is perfect. As the sky puts up various looks at times so is the marriage. Many women want to know "how to make my husband want me?" This is a question, which every woman has after they get married. Such a question might create confusion if the exact reason is not known. So there are some steps, which can be followed, and without wasting much time on thinking start creating solutions to make your husband love you. By following these steps, I am sure that you can bring back the sparkle in your life.

1. The areas of conflict

Both should know to compromise with each other's feelings. If a certain thing is creating any conflict, then do avoid it and come to a solution as quickly as possible in a respectable manner. There is no point in creating areas where conflict might take place. The main problem is when one leaves the problem unsolved because as the thing remains untouched so does the distance between both the opposite sexes increase. It is a requirement of time and patience that if any problems occur then no matter what try to solve it out. In addition, make sure if the solution requires you to crest fall in the situation then go ahead and do so. In this way, you will win him. Nobody has given you the promise that you will have to win each time. A bit of adjustment and compromise can solve the matter. Proper understanding of the situation is required always.

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2. Personal interests should be maintained

The best way to avoid any controversy is to give adequate respect to the interest of others. Secondly, if you are sure of making your partner happy then start thinking high. What I mean to say is start-pursuing things, which interests you. One should always have her own personal likes and dislikes but not at the cost of making your partner down. Many a times it has been seen that while maintaining the interests of your family, woman forgets to pursue her own interests. These are things that make a man less drawn to his woman. So try to avoid things that will make your husband unhappy. Independence should be maintained at certain level. This will make him draw closer to you.

To make your husband want you put in some effort in your marriage relationship and the problems which are putting a hindrance on both of your life.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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