How To Deal With Abusive Husband: How To Deal With A Verbally Abusive Husband

Verbal abuse is a kind of domestic violence that can create similar damage as physical abuse. Even if it does not extent to yelling and shouting, verbal abuse takes place when your spouse mutters nasty and uncharitable comments. The aim of this kind of abuse is to decrease a woman's self-confidence and sense of self-worth. Even if you may not suffer with bruises or physical scars, verbal abuse can lead to such psychological damage that could be irreversible. Fortunately, there are ways by which women can safeguard themselves against such verbal attacks.

Accept the reality

The most important part in this scenario is to admit the issue at hand. Surprisingly, fair amount of victims either deny their oppression or accept it as their martial duty. You must remember that being abused by your man is not an option instead; it is a kind of sickness that requires treatment. Abusers are somewhat like spoiled children who throw temper tantrums if they cannot get their way. So, to deal with the problem you must accept the fact that you are being abused.

Recognize the warning signs

To deal with verbal abuse effectively, you need to figure out what triggers these attacks. Is there some irrational jealousy that sparks off abuses or is it particularly after alcohol intake? Maybe your previous relationship or your certain behavior pattern is the cause. The response to such questions will help you find the roots of his anger. Accordingly, you can seek professional help like counseling for anger management or couples therapy.

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Confront with maturity

It is not uncommon for wives to react to their husband's verbal attacks by pointing out their faults. Such a behavior incites the abuser and only prolongs the episode. Instead of squabbling with your husband, learn to make peace. This does not mean that you sulk on the losing side; it only means that you are not willing to converse until a pleasant atmosphere is attained. At an appropriate time, if you feel safe, initiate a conversation with your spouse and indicate him about the consequences and the harm his behavior is doing to your marital relationship.

Seek help

Victims of abuse are generally hesitant to seek help, but if your situation is too grave, it is advised to get a trusted family member or a good friend involved. Most likely, your close ones are aware about the situation and are waiting in the wings to speak up, if invited. However, once you get others involved, make sure that you simply do not unite to gossip about your husband. Instead, you come together to take an uncompromising stand against verbal abuse.

Note: Working out issues with an abuser personally or with professional help is only possible if your husband is willing and open to the idea. If not, you may consider taking your own counseling to help you choose the best course of action and gain perspective.

When it comes to marriage, certain amount of conflict is inevitable. In fact, it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. However, there is a thin line between usual marital disagreements and nasty verbal abuse. It is essential for every woman to realize that any form of abuse is not a part of your marriage vow. Therefore, understand the boundaries and at the same time do not overstep yours.

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Reports of abusive husbands, who beat and even kill their wives, gather lots of publicity and create huge outcries, as they should. For example, there are two recent reports from Buffalo, New York and Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. I hope these guys and any others who do such heinous things to other people, including wives, get put away forever.

But there's an even more prevalent bullying strategy that husbands use to control wives, that tends to get overlooked because it's not as violent. These are husbands who abuse and control their wives by sneaky, covert, manipulative tactics that demean the women and keep them subservient. I call these controlling husbands, "stealth bullies."

Even though overt, physical, domestic violence isn't involved in these cases, women need name the emotional abuse and violence, harassment and domination as "bullying" in order to rally their spirits, strengthen their backbones and get the help they need to stop the abuse or to get away.

Of course, the sooner women recognize and label what's going on (especially before they have children); the easier they'll be able to get away.

Here are some of the warning signs of stealthy, controlling husbands.

1. They control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it's spent on. They may say that they work hard and make the money, so they should have control of it.

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2. Their make the rules - your "no" isn't accepted as "no." They're always right and you're always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they're not abusing you, you're too sensitive. Your concerns generally don't get dealt with - theirs are more important, so they can ignore your wishes.

3. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you're wrong or not good enough. You're told that if you were perfect, you'd be treated better. They blow up over minor things or if you resist in any way. You're to blame if they hurt you. Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings, whining and threats to commit suicide.

4. They argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don't do exactly what they want. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. You walk on eggshells; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.

5. You're told you're incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. They stimulate your self-questioning and self-doubt.

6. They isolate you - they won't allow you to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work.

7. You're told that a woman's place is to be treated like they treat you. You should accept whatever they dish out. They often get their friends and even your family of origin to agree with them. You have to tolerate their behavior until you can convince them to change.

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Of course, the same type of list applies to abusive, controlling, stealth-bullying wives, partners, coworkers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends, teenagers and friends.

Many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don't recognize and label the control and abuse as "bullying." When you recognize and label these bullies' tactics and tricks, you'll be empowered to resist them. When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.

Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness, their sympathetic therapy) sometimes stop mild bullying. But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.

Of course it's usually not easy to stop the behavior or to get away. There's no one-size-fits-all answer. Tactics must be designed for each situation. Factors such as money, children, outside support, age, health, threatened increase in abuse to physical brutality and murder, and family of origin and cultural values can be extremely important in designing effective tactics.

But the first step is always for women to make an internal shift from acceptance or tolerance (even though you may hate them) to a commitment and determination to end the abuse and bullying, no matter what it takes. Without that inner commitment, women usually end up begging the husband to change and waiting forever. The inner commitment is necessary to give strength and power to the right tactics in your hands.

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It's easier to talk than to listen, and this is one of the main causes of marital disputes. Develop your listening skills and you'll soon find out that you can resolve your issues with so much ease when both of you takes turn in listening. Here are the tips from a marriage counseling therapy on how to hone your listening skill. Apply them in your everyday life for a harmonious married life:

• Listening is not agreeing.

You're two different people with different opinions and stands on particular issues. You cannot ask your spouse to agree with you at all times, just because you are a couple. Listen intently but don't expect your spouse to agree with you. The purpose of communication is to discuss particular matters, but not to persuade your spouse to hold the same stand as yours. Learn to respect each other's opinion and you'll learn that from a marriage counseling therapy.

• Resolve disputes by listening.

If both of you would keep on yakking, you cannot resolve your marital disputes. A mature way of communicating is by allowing the other person to talk and express his/her emotions without the other one constantly interrupting. Listen and listen well, meaning be attentive and try to understand by heart what your spouse is trying to tell you. Remember that you will have your turn to talk so do not interrupt.

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• Your opinion is right.

Each of you is entitled to your own opinion. You should be able to accept the fact that even when you have different views, both of you are correct. You came from different backgrounds and you might have differing beliefs, so what you believe in is correct based from where you came from.

Learn to respect each other's opinion - another significant practical advice from marriage counseling therapy. Listen to each other and consider what your spouse believes in and try to resolve your issues based on your different opinions and beliefs.

• Anger as a response to pain or fear.

When there is marital dispute, most of the time it has some underlying emotional cause. Say for example if your spouse is angry, try to talk to your partner and you will realize that anger is usually a response to pain or fear.

Your partner could have some fears regarding say, problem in the office, and he/she could get angry easily because of something else and not because of you. In marriage counseling, you'll learn that anger isn't at all times directed at you, but it's due to some problems outside your relationship. Be understanding and listen to the emotional baggage your partner might be carrying in order to have a more harmonious relationship.

• Listening deepens connection.

Your spouse will feel loved and respected when you learn how to listen. Just knowing that you've got someone who has a listening ear is something that is going to deepen your connection, and you'll learn that from a marriage counseling therapy.

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Everyone seems to have this idea that if they are having marital difficulties, all they need to do is to spend time with a marriage counselor to make it better. However, if you've known couples who have attended marriage counseling sessions, you probably already realize that it's never a magic solution. I've known many couples who went to counseling which did nothing to repair the rift in their marriage. In fact, I don't know of any that didn't end up getting divorced, and it's enough to make me wonder why people continue to spend time and money consulting with them. Obviously a better solution is necessary, and that solution can be found by talking with a marriage coach.

The clues to why this is the case lie right in the names. A counselor talks to you about your feelings. A lot of good that does. Obviously you were unhappy and depressed with something or you wouldn't be there in the first place. The last thing you need is to try and psychoanalyze yourself. Instead, you need a coach who will guide you to finding the answers you're looking for that will save your marriage. The information the coach will give you will be sound and aimed at rejuvenating your marriage. All marriages are works in progress, and it's worthwhile to do what you can to save them.

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Marriage counselors are people who will help you justify your need for a divorce. Their advice isn't always geared towards the positive side of a relationship, and basically they're defeated before they ever get started. They often take the position that the marriage is already past saving, so what can we do to make the divorce process less stressful for those involved. If this is what you really think you want, more power to you. However, if you're serious about rebuilding your marriage, you need someone who is going to help you do just that.

A marriage coach will be beside you every step of the way giving you the guidance you need to make the decisions that will strengthen your relationship and address the issues that you are facing. You can get the support you will need to formulate constructive plans and then follow through on them. No one here will tell you, "Oh, you poor thing, no one should ever treat you this way." You don't need anything to pity yourself about. Instead, you need the quality constructive ideas and goals offered by a marriage coach.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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