How To Handle A Separation Of Marriage: My Husband Seems To Be Hoping That Our Marital Separation Is Going To Resolve By Itself

'Short Separation' as a Marriage Counseling Tactic

"Can a marital separation save a marriage?" ... it depends...

Whether the separation will help or hurt the marriage is unknown, unless you know the couple, have listened to them and assessed their mental state. Needless to say, a professional marriage counselor should feed-back his or her gained impression to the couple. Since the outcome could go either way, depending on what each of them really wants, this tactic should be an important topic during the marriage counseling sessions.

A Psychologist that practices as a Marriage Counselor, a Life Coach or a professional Relationship Advice provider may quickly support a separation, for example when one spouse is living in an intolerable situation in the marriage. Perhaps one partner is verbally abusive, chronically has affairs, or shows continued disrespect towards his or her spouse in some other way. A number of couples are miserable living together and can't seem to co-exist without continuous arguing. Living apart can help each partner to better use their emotional strengths and problem solving skills. In situations like this, a separation can sometimes save the marriage.

But fortunately enough, these are not the majority of cases I have encountered; which result in more complexities for me, as the professional counselor. The main issue is the motivation and the attitude of each partner: does each spouse want the marriage to work? Is there a strong willingness to seek marriage counseling and work on the problems and issues while they are separated? Does the couple in this situation plan to use this separation period to "let the dust settle," and reflect on the marriage but taking responsibility for their part, and work with me on their individual and joint issues?

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Sometimes the serious problems that the couple present and share are only a cover-up for more deeper and underlying issues: unfulfilled desires and a lack of trust for a better future. When there is a hidden desire to split apart, or try living under an alternative roof and relationship, a split could be a one-way ticket from renewing the marriage. There is therefore a need to use this simple 'test detector' apparatus: Do both spouses agree not to date anyone else? Do both commit to improve their marriage only?

A separation can be a time of healing, gaining strength and adding social resources to build new ties. Conversely living apart will allow each to pursue alternative relationships in which distance detachment and distance prevails while this period of 'trial for a better luck' continues.

Does it mean that a 'free zone' arrangement is the beginning of the end of the relationship? NO.

Human behavior is often as you see on the dance floor: two steps forward, one back, and then turn. It could be that one spouse or even both want to use the separation to build new relationships. Once they are on their own, they grow emotionally stronger, more independent but at the same time more in touch with their weaknesses. Each can now have a clearer perspective about their past negative contributions. Reconciliation in such cases is quick, meaningful and usually long lasting.

To summarize the Marriage Counseling approach about using a temporary split as a tool to heal your marriage:

1. Set a tentative time period for the separation; three, six, nine or twelve months, but no longer.
2. At three month intervals, set a time to meet and re-evaluate the decision to separate.
3. Agree to seek individual and joint counseling during the separation.
4. Set clear guidelines about how much contact you'll have with each other during the separation; the less the better.

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Women who are dedicated to understanding men know that communication is not the most important thing in a relationship. There is one other aspect that is significantly more important and that's the strength of the connection between the man and the woman. If there is no connection, then it doesn't matter how much the couple talks, they won't be able to work anything out, they will never feel "together" and they certainly won't last long when it comes to being together in the long run. Here's how to establish a better connection with your man for the long run.

1. Connection vs. Communication

As I mentioned in the first paragraph, communication is nothing without connection. Are there people in your life who barely communicate with that you have a strong connection with? You know, people who could fly overseas for 5 years, come back and you would feel as if you haven't missed a beat with them? That's a sign of a strong connection.

It is hard to find a man that you have this sort of connection with and ultimately goes back to how much of a friend you are with the man. If you find that you get along well together as friends, it works better as lovers. That element of emotion does tend to make things harder.

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2. Connection In A Relationship

When you're in a relationship with someone, you do miss them more. That's the simple truth. If they simply left and came back in 5 years time, I dare say that that connection isn't as strong with them, simply because there's a lot more on the line when you're in a relationship.

Love takes work and while it can be powerful, it can be extinguished if not maintained and nurtured. When I talk about a connection in a relationship, understand that I'm talking about how to establish that strong connection with your man, assuming that he's with you right now, not long distance.

3. 3 Methods For A Stronger Connection

It's better that you try doing these before you get into a relationship with your man, but it's never too late. Number 1: try and have a long conversation with your man without getting too emotional. Forget about the time and just talk. This will help you feel what your man feels passionate about and strengthens the connection between you in general.

Number 2: Work together on something productive. Maybe it's a side home business. Maybe it's paying off mortgage. Whatever it is, this productive thing will help build up your connection to be stronger than ever. Number 3: Compromise often. The more often that you resolve your arguments where both parties win, the better the relationship will be in the long run.

If you realize that communication is nothing with a connection, you're getting better at understanding men. Realize that we need to feel connected to you to have a strong relationship. Some women work on the communication without realizing that they never had a connection with their man in the first place. Focus on what's important first.

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Today I read an article that marriage in the US is on the decline. Although many people may not want to get married they do yearn to be in caring meaningful relationships. Here are five tips for creating closeness:

1. Make sure that your words and actions are aligned

When you say one thing and then do something different or do not follow through trust is destroyed. Whenever there is an inconsistency between your words and actions it gets in the way of creating closeness. It is hard to trust someone when they are not truthful. Trust has to be built and protected.

2. Think of both of you as being of equal value

Equality is fundamental to creating a loving intimate relationship. I am referring to seeing each other as having equal worth. When you believe that you both have equal worth you also accept that each of you bring unique strengths to the relationship. By valuing equality of worth you eliminate power struggles.

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3. Be sure to say you are sorry

In caring relationships it is important to take responsibility to apologize when you know you have said or done something that has upset the other. It takes little effort to say the words "I am sorry" but it will mean a lot to your relationship if each is able to apologize.

4. When you disagree look for solutions

Two people are going to see things differently. It is healthy to speak from the heart and share your thoughts.. However, if you are talking about something that affects both of you be sure to arrive at a solution that both can support. It is more important that you resolve the issue in a satisfactory manner rather than insisting on your way.

5. Remember that intimacy has to be built

Intimacy occurs in relation to another. Your relationship will grow in closeness when you care about each other's dreams and when you cooperate and support each other. Ask yourself are you being love worthy? To be love worthy means that you take full responsibility to be the kind of person who is able to both give and receive love.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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It was Woody Allen who said a relationship is like a shark; it must keep moving forward or it dies. I think this is true with one important difference. A relationship can live dead for a long time. Many people decide to stay in relationships that are stagnant or destructive. They have their reasons. Usually, their primary reason is fear, whether they know it or not. And fear is paralyzing. Moving through fear takes courage, a willingness to face the consequences, whatever they turn out to be.

In the final analysis, it's a choice we make, consciously or not. Even refusing to choose, retaining the status quo, is a choice. Sometimes the options don't seem very appealing. Life might be even more difficult without the relationship. Why jump from the frying pan into the fire? And then there's the fear of loneliness. Even lousy company can be better than no company. And who's to say someone better will come along? And, for those of us who can't tell bad love from good, at least we have someone to love us, if you can call it that. For those who are willing to take the leap, though, and risk aloneness, how do you know when to give up?

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I think that depends on how much the relationship is worth to you and what you're willing to go through trying to save it. I maintain that there's always something you can do to improve a relationship--if you can find out what that is and if you're willing to do it. But you may not be able, without cooperation, to improve it enough to make it worthwhile to you. If you're the only one growing in your relationship it can be boring, if not frustrating. If your partner wants the relationship enough to join you in trying to fix it, there's no limit to your potential for satisfaction. But you both must be willing to grow.

And growth is often painful. Perhaps that's why you haven't done enough of it yet. Another reason might be that you didn't know it's necessary. Well, it is if you want to change. Even small changes can help a lot in increasing the liveability of your relationship. Assistance in this project is readily available from marital therapists and in book stores. Trouble is, many wait until it's too late before consulting a therapist. By that time, maybe the love is gone and you just don't care enough anymore to give it your best shot. Man/woman love is pretty fragile and, once damaged, can defy repair.

Also, although the information you need is readily available in your local bookstore, many people won't study it hard enough to make any difference. This takes some concentration. If your partner resists your best efforts, you may be beating a dead horse and, you know, a dead horse just won't pull. You will have to decide if it's worth it to continue or whether you'd be better off alone.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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