How To Make A Marriage Work With Stepchildren: How To Deal With Step Children

A step child is a human progeny of your spouse by a previous marriage. Step children are inherited in so many ways; they are children of your husband's late wife or your wife's late husband. Some are as a result of divorce or a mistake of the past by your spouse. Whichever way these children emanate from, they are from God and are placed on your care; you have no choice but bring them up properly to the best of your ability, so that they will become good and responsible citizens. The other reason why you should bring them up properly is that if you do not, they will become a problem to you and your children in the future.

As the new family begins, on one hand is the new wife or husband who often finds it very difficult to accept these inherited children. On the other hand, are the step children who are so indifferent and difficult to deal with.

Sincerely, the task of parenting step children is a very difficult one especially on the part of the wife. There are some cases where other members of their dad's family act as watchdogs, measuring the performance of the new mother. Some will go the extra mile to encourage the children to go against their step mother. Peradventure they are adults; they hardly come to terms with the new stepmother and do not give respect to her.

Parenting stepchildren has been a very big problem in so many families and have actually brought division and wars. In this article, I want to point out some steps a step parent can take to have a better relationship with her step children.

Have an Upbeat Mindset: Do not be selfish, treat them the same way you could have treated your own biological children. Anything they are entitled to, try to let them have it including the love and care of their biological mom or dad. You should strive to give them good education and inculcate in them high moral standards the way you will do to your own children. Put on a cheerful face and forgive them the way you will forgive your own children when they offend you. Look beyond their shortcomings because your mission is to unit your family together.

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Do Not Try to Replace Their Mother or Father: These children may have been separated from their biological parent forcefully (either as a result of death or divorce) and the bitterness of losing a parent in that way will still be hunting them. They will not find you too comfortable as the new wife or husband of their parent and trying to take the place of that parent will only bring resentment. Always remember that you are not their real mother or father and can never be, no matter how hard you may try. Also, do not try to persuade them to call you mom or dad as they may see that as a big deal and will try to get at you with that. Allow them to decide by themselves how to relate with you.

Give Them The Opportunity To Grow Like Children: Always have it at the back of your mind that they are only children who are bound to pass through some processes as they grow up. Do not count every mistake they make as an offence. Allow them to act like children; the younger ones should be given the required training, if it call for scolding, do not hesitate to scold them, but do it with love and the intention of making them better children no matter how unresponsive they may be. The adults among them should also be called to order when they misbehave and advised accordingly. Constantly seek advice and feedback from their biological parent on the best way to deal with them. Try as much as you can to help them become responsible adults, at the long run, they will acknowledge this good gesture.

Avoid Showing Affection in Their Presence: As much as I agree that public display of affection among spouse is good, doing it in the face of your step children particularly older ones will cause more harm than good. So avoid it. When they see you hug and kiss their mom or dad, it makes them think you are the cause of their parent woes and they will vent their anger on you by being difficult. I will recommend you try to be more careful when it comes to showing affection to your spouse because of the environment you have found yourself so that you will have a happy home.

In all these, patience is the key. Time heals every wound including the wound of losing a parent. With time, good works and endurance, you will gain their loyalty.

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You may be asking what can save your marriage when everything seems hopeless.

For most of us, marriage is still very important; you need to be married before you can found a family and founding a family is the foundation of a society. It is at the centre of most religions and there is great emphasis put on being married before you found a family.

All this does not stop marriages getting into difficulty. Life over the past forty years has considerably changed. Most women now go out to work but still have to find time to run the family and bring up the children. Men have had to learn to participate with bringing up the children. Even so, it is difficult to bring up children where both parents are often absent working, and the financial pressures on the relationship are considerable. All this makes it more difficult for the marriage to work as you would like it to.

When you run into a problem where do you turn?

The church has always valued marriage highly and it is perhaps in this direction that you should first look for guidance. The local priest will be more interested in helping you make your marriage work from a practical viewpoint that is helping the couple work together to save things. Family therapists or psychologists take a more individual view with their counseling. The first option probably has a better chance of saving your marriage.

Why is the local priest often able to give better advice than a secular therapist?

Secular therapists concentrate solely on treating individual cases and marriage and family designated counselors tend to specialize in their own limited area of relationship therapy.

Ask yourself if this approach is really what is needed to save your marriage?

The local priest and church counselors are trained to help couples come back closer to each other. They work on their belief that marriage is for ever, except where there has been abuse in the relationship. They have been taught how to manage counseling couples, often up to university degree level.

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When you don't regularly attend church and so are not part of a regular congregation, it can be difficult finding someone in the church who can help you. You don't want to spend several months while you wait to be accepted into a particular congregation.

You can visit several churches and ask if they are holding any marriage retreats that you could attend and try to save your marriage. When you can establish a relationship with a counselor at such a retreat, you can get further help from the same person afterward.

If you can find a good couples retreat you will learn how to deal with a wide range of issues. You will likely participate in group sessions, as well as having individual lessons for just the two of you.

A good couple's retreat will help you deal with many different types of issues. There will be group sessions and couple's sessions where you can work on problems together and individually. You will improve how you communicate with each other and as you learn to converse better between the two of you, you will see how the different pieces of your relationship will start to fall into place.

Other subjects, such as sex, finances, and raising your children, will also treated in these seminars. The object is to save your marriage by getting it back on track in all the different aspects of your relationship. When you start you might feel a little left out by the others, but hopefully this will have changed when you have finished the course.

Marriage is always difficult and there are always those times when you feel it is going to break. However, there are usually many more reasons why you should try and make it work. So when you want to know what can save your marriage even when everything seems hopeless, you may find that the local priest can tell you where to get some useful help.

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Why is it that some men find contentment in their marriage and some men don't?

There is a very true saying in this world and that is -"It takes two to Tango." That my friends, is the essence of why some married men never leave and others do.

What I am saying is that to make a marriage work and for each individual to be fulfilled, it requires a commitment to the marriage by each party. No marriage will achieve its full potential, unless both parties work together and are totally committed to each other. When this happens, what develops is a marriage where there is mutual respect for each other as well as tolerance, forgiveness, understanding and above all love. Love is the one strong constant that binds all successful marriages. Love is not automatic; it requires work and sometimes, hard work. Too often couples fall out of love and instead of working together to repair why this has happened, they simply walk away and look for someone else to love. Reality is such that when this happens, there is every chance that they never find that true love that they think they are looking for. Truth be known, they had it there in front of them but failed to recognise and nurture it.

Couples, who seek help, generally are able to go on and develop long term and happy marriages. It's like lots of things in life, if something is not working or broken down, get some help to get the problem fixed. Imagine if we all left our broken cars or lawn mowers where they are without having them looked at for possible repairing? The same goes for a relationship. There are many examples of couples who have the best marriages today, yet at some stage they needed help.

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From a male's perspective, I can tell you that my greatest achievement in life has been to make my marriage work. I have been married for over 30 years and I love my wife who is my best friend without any doubt in this world. Sure there have been difficult times and there have been some sad times. Life is not easy, what with children to look after, careers to be established and mortgages to pay; there can be enormous pressure in any relationship. The pride for me is that I have achieved this, but not without my partner helping me to enjoy our journey together.

Why some married men never leave is easy to understand for me. Why would I want to leave a relationship where - I am loved, I am appreciated, I am content, I am respected, I am happy. Why would I? I know some men who have gone off with younger women. Good luck to them! That's not for me. Sure my wife has a few more wrinkles than she did when we first met, but guess what? - So have I! We are growing old together and that suits me fine. I am sure that my children and my grandchildren are pleased that this particular married man never left. Life is hard enough at the best of times and I am glad that my life is pretty uneventful and simple and that I am on my journey with the girl that I met so many years ago and we are having a wonderful life together.

For me, home is where the heart is and this is my story on why some married men never leave.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

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