How to Save Your Marriage: Coming Back from the Edge

One of the most challenging moments as a coach or a counselor comes when your client tells you that their spouse just stormed out saying that they want a divorce. But would you believe that it’s possible for the SAME couple to be doing better tha
EVER just two weeks later? If you think this sounds impossible, it’s not...I’ve seen it dozens of times, and it’s not a work of magic or a miracle. Instead, it’s the result of helping someone to understand the basic dynamics which govern human relationships and how to use this knowledge to create an entirely new connection with their spouse.

In this article, I’ll be showing you exactly what I’m talking about, and just how easy it can be to bring any relationship back from the edge...

Why We Need Relationships, and Why We Give Up

People need relationships because they have emotional needs which can only be met through meaningful connections with other human beings. These emotional needs can be narrowed down to these simple three:

1. Validation: the need to be acknowledged, valued and respected.

2. Excitement: the need for variety, stimulation and even a degree of danger.

3. Security: the need for safety, comfort and predictability.
These basic needs are just as essential to the survival of a relationship as the nutrients of sunlight, water and nitrogen are to a plant. If your relationship with someone else has deteriorated, it has done so because one or all of these emotional needs is not being met. In fact, you might even feel that you’ve done everything that you can to make the other person happy, but in many cases we give people everything except what they need.

How to Start Turning Things Around Right Now

If you want to save your marriage and start turning things around right now, you first need to start listening to your spouse and paying attention to their behaviors with the objective of understanding the emotional need behind what they are saying and doing. This is not hard to do once you know what to look for. What is important to them? Is it validation, excitement or security? What you might find is that they value security more than you do, and that you value excitement more. Most of the time, we give to others based not on what their needs are but on what our needs are.

So once you “get” your partner’s needs and find out where they’re not being met, get to work on meeting them in a way that means something to THEM, not you. Finally, discover which needs of yours are not being met and, once you’ve made some deposits by meeting their needs, start being more upfront about what your needs are. Your partner can’t read your mind and expecting them to be able to might be killing your marriage. If you make the initial sacrifice by understanding and meeting their needs first, they’ll be more receptive to you being open about yours. Good luck!