How To Stop Being Mean To My Husband: Why Am I Horrible To My Husband

It really is tough when you are in love with someone and you adore everything about them except their explosive angry outbursts. They can become so severe that they can actually ruin a relationship.

The saddest part though is that the hurt from these anger episodes compiles. Each session that you have to deal with in regards to the anger your loved one demonstrates just creates another scar. They may heal on the surface but each one does its own damage. Finally its gets to the point where you want out of the relationship not because the love is gone, but because there are just no options left that you know of.

The first step is to try and develop some anger management for both you and your partner. Here are some steps that may help.

1. Start by separating yourself from the situation. This means you need to assess the anger problem as an onlooker. Is the anger being directed specifically at you, or are you just the outlet?

2. If you are the source of the anger then you really need to determine if your partner wants this relationship. If the underlying cause of the anger is simply because they are not happy in the relationship, then it may mean ending the relationship or seeing if the problems can be rectified.

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3. If you are the outlet then is there a problem that your partner may not be sharing with you? For example, are there problems at work, or are they in financial difficulty? Try to determine what the underlying source is, and then see what steps can be taken to rectify the problem.

4. If there does not seem to be an underlying source then its an anger management problem, that you need to discuss with your partner. Professional intervention may be necessary.

If professional intervention is necessary you will have to talk with your partner, and point out that you cannot go on in the relationship as it is now. Chances are this person is aware that they have an anger issue and are too embarrassed to discuss it, or hope it will just go away. Your tolerating it is not going to help yourself or them.

Ideally you do not want to start off with an ultimatum, you want to indicate to your partner that you will certainly support them in their efforts to get help. On the other hand if they refuse to do anything about the situation then you will have to make the decision whether to allow the situation to go on as it is or end the relationship.

Dealing with anger management issues is most difficult. Verbal abuse is often the bi product of anger at the very least. There are times it can escalate to physical, and this is just one of the many reasons that anger management issues cannot or should not be accepted.

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I recently got a feisty, "I'm in charge" kind of pup, and boy has Cleo been a challenge to train! In the process of working with a wonderful dog trainer she recommended a book by Dr. Patricia McConnell, The Other End of the Leash. While reading this book I began to notice some surprising similarities between what happens when we are learning to train our animals and what sometimes happens with our spouses!

For example, when I firmly tell Cleo to "Leave it!" she gets upset and a bark-fest ensues. If I repeat the command over and over, I only get Cleo more riled up and we get nowhere. (Perhaps you've noticed a similar response if you've nagged your spouse.)

So, how can you be heard and get what you want?

Let's start with Cleo: To keep Cleo off the couch, I found myself saying "Down", "Get down," or "Get off". To us, these three simple commands all mean the same thing. But to Cleo, I've just said three different things, which only leaves her confused.

So, what will help Cleo? She needs to hear one simple, clear command that is always used to communicate the same thing. In this case, "Off" has to specifically mean "get down from the couch" or "get your paws off of the table".

Will a similar strategy work with humans?

Well, unlike dogs, we humans will often use a number of synonyms to convey one message or to get a point across if our first request goes unanswered. Although we use speech to communicate about everything, it turns out that, too often, we are not truly speaking the same language as our partner. We forget that our partner is interpreting what we've said through their own understanding of language, as well as through their own personal emotional filter. So, even though you both may be saying the same thing, your partner may or may not understand what you meant when you said that particular word or phrase.

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Recently, for example, while I was working with a couple on a simple communication exercise, the husband said something that was unclear to his wife. He looked proud of himself for the wonderful thing he had just communicated to her, and didn't notice the look of bewilderment that registered on her face. When I pointed out his wife's reaction, he was flummoxed. How could she have not understood what he meant when he had communicated it so clearly?

With guidance, she was able to ask some clarifying questions. Meanwhile, he was able to remain patient and present while he helped her understand what he had meant. When his wife learned how to ask specific clarifying questions, and her husband was able to stay patient and present with her, she finally understood her husband's point. It was a Eureka moment for both of them because they had learned how to communicate effectively with one another at last!

If you would like to have better communication with your spouse, try these 6 tips:

1. Use clear, simple words.

2. Do not use different words that mean the same thing; it is too easy for meanings to be misinterpreted.

3. State what you mean without having a hidden agenda. Does "take out the garbage" really mean you want the garbage taken out or are you really trying to say something else?

4. Say things one time only.

5. If you are not heard, get your partner's attention and repeat what you said, exactly as you said it.

6. Do not increase your volume, nag like a broken record, or scream. These behaviors will only cause your partner to shut off and stop listening, as well as escalate a negative cycle that will keep the two of you from becoming closer.

Securely attached people report a great deal of satisfaction in their relationships. During difficult situations they seek support, comfort, and assistance from their partner and they reduce their anxiety by seeking physical and/or psychological closeness to their partner.

A secure partner responds positively to his or her partner's difficulty, reaffirming a sense of normality, which further helps to reduce anxiety. This expression of love puts into practice the key elements of a secure partnership: consistency, attunement to the other, and availability when needed.

The hallmarks of a healthy relationship can be attained by all couples when each partner is willing to learn about themselves and the other. With practice it is possible to develop the kind of relationship that allows for much happiness and fulfillment.

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However sad it is when a marriage seems to be over, action needs to be taken immediately. Two people are involved here, you and your spouse, so the decision to save the marriage or not should be with both of you. The best thing to do is to sit down and have a very long discussion about your marriage - the good things as well as the bad.

You should do this when tensions aren't running high between you and your spouse to try to prevent arguments. You should both go into the discussion with open minds and a promise to be honest with each other. If necessary, have this discussion on and off over a few days - your marriage has been going for a few years, so it cannot possibly take just a few hours to discuss.

If you both agree that your marriage seems to be over, then you should make a decision to talk about all the good things in your marriage - you could just find things in this discussion that will make you realize that your marriage is worth saving.

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Then move on to the bad things in your marriage. Although there will probably be things that could just trigger an argument, try to steer clear of throwing blame at each other at this stage. The whole point of the discussion is to try to establish whether your marriage is worth saving or not, and not who is to blame for anything in particular.

Here to, you could very well discover things about yourselves that you never realized before, such as the fact that some things would have been easy to fix, had you and your spouse had open communication with each other as soon as problems arose.

Your marriage seems to be over at this point in time, but you never know, by communicating with each other openly and honestly, you could just swing things around and find that you have a lot to be thankful for in each other, and decide that your marriage is worth saving, after all.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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There are divorced women at all ages, from very young 18 years old to over sixty years old, or even over 70. It's natural that the ones who are before midlife, 40 to 60 years old, want to get married again. However, a lot of midlife divorcees don't care to get into the matrimony status again.

There is no wonder a lot of these women don't want to get back into something they think they are lucky to be able to get out, or something that may well end up putting them through what they managed to come out of with positive results. At midlife, their children are already or almost adults; they probably have established career/job, and if not they only have themselves to take care of, so they don't have a lot of pressure on finding a job, they may even go back to school; in a word, they are their own boss now, therefore, why should they get back into the married life where they have to answer to and take care of someone else, while they are quite happy on their own.

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And in our current time, it's not difficult, actually quite easy, to satisfy their need of sex. Furthermore, they can enjoy a variety in that department. Some people may consider this is not good for women, because they think these divorced women are promiscuous; the thing is as long as they protect themselves and have safe sex, they should have as much a right as any man to enjoy themselves with different partners. When men have different partners, usually people just say "Oh, that's how man is." or "He's a man, what do you expect.", etc... The same courtesy should be extended to single or divorced women too.

Of course, men or women at midlife, single or divorced, they have to take precautions not to sire any children, otherwise, it is irresponsible of them to bring a child into the world when they know that they don't really want to have more children, and their child will not grow up with 2 parents to take care of and to guide her/him.

Now Listen Carefully-

Take 2 minutes to visit the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. Yes, you can indeed save your marriage no matter how hopeless the situation seems. Take the right step now and live to enjoy a blissful marriage. I strongly urge you to visit the next page- Click Here

Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com