I came to notice early in my life that treating women as if they are a goddess is a sure fire way of losing their interest. You can try to spend as much with them as possible, call/text them every day, give them compliments etc. but they will lose interest and think you’re weak.

Recently, I have been more aloof with women trying not to calling them when they say give me a call, asking them out once and if they are "unavailable," not asking them again, trying to get them to approach me, etc.

None of these attitudes seem to work. I find it difficult to get a woman to desire me, to approach me, to call me, ask me out on dates, choose to go out with me over another man or her girlfriends and just find it difficult to make myself a priority for her.

Is there a middle ground here or am I missing something fundamental?


I know, I know. It just seems to fly in the face of logic, doesn't it? We constantly hear women say they want "nice guys" and then when they get this guy; they dump all over him - if they'll even give him the time of day. We see this (wrong) message in fairy tales and children's stories and even romantic comedies because the notion is so pervasive. The realty however is far different.

Being a total scumbag-jackass doesn't work either, nor does being too aloof or expecting women to do your work for you.

The reality is this: we are complicated emotional creatures with an equally complicated mating ritual. However, the ritual IS there. You can't circumvent it or change it and expect things to work. They won't. More on this in a minute.

It helps to understand WHY this is so.

Ultimately, we want the same things; men and women. We just go about getting it in different ways. Both men and women have their goals biologically programmed into them by nature - just like animals do. Now, we never want to believe that we're pre-programmed to do anything or that we're not far more evolved than animals, but this entire mating game is absolutely the most important element there is to any organism and the specific reason why we're here on this planet. After all, if any species lost this focus, it would also stop reproducing and would simply go extinct.

We tend to want to use culture to add an air of sophistication to this whole game. There are "polite ways" to meet and date for instance, but there are many, many more of these cultural "rules". All of these courtesies and niceties simply are a cultural adaptation to the foundational drives we all have. You are expected to live within those bounds - to a degree. It's the guys that can bend them without breaking them that get the most attention from women.

Ok, enough science, let's get to your question:

First of all, you've got to get over the notion that women will call you and set up dates - at least in the beginning. It doesn't work that way. It's YOUR job to do this, not theirs - and they damn-well know it. In reality, some women are starting to learn how to do this out of sheer frustration at the lack of men that know how. I even have an e-book on my site exclusively for women to learn these skills, but in reality, it doesn't change one important fact:

Part of the mating/dating ritual is for you (as a man) to be the initial aggressor; to be the one that pursues, and for women to be pursued. Women need this because of their own internal programming. It appeals to their need for attention, and their need to feel safe and secure. You see, women are biologically pre-programmed to be with men who's genes will produce offspring that won't get beaten up on the schoolyard and have their lunch money stolen. That's an over-simplification, but I think you get the drift.

So, here's a summary of what you are missing:

* First of all, don't expect women to approach you. Some will, but ONLY if you could do all the work yourself and can express that in a way that women naturally pick up - in their own language. Women have to be able to SEE this from you in their own way before they'll take the risk of doing it themselves. That's because they have all those pre-programmed biological needs I mentioned before, and they are effectively giving up those needs initially when they approach. They still expect their needs to be satisfied at some point in the future and if they don't believe you can do this, they won't bother with you.

* Thus, you need to have all these approach and pick-up skills under your belt first - AND be able to communicate that you have them.

* Women won't call you for the first dates. That's your job, as well as to know HOW to properly set up dates and make sure she shows. Don't EVER give your digits to a woman without getting hers and expect she'll call you. She won't.

* You need to learn how to build rapport and connection (which leads to both initial attraction and to feelings of love). Women have to learn these skills too in order to attract men. Frankly, women are the lazier sex in this case, thinking that all they have to be is attractive. I get letters from women constantly that miss or simply don't know this all-important point!

* Once you get things rolling (usually with at least a few dates) you then want to look for a woman that will contribute back to dating and any possible relationship! Any woman that doesn't know to "invest" by this point, just isn't worthy of your time.

You see, you're trying to get women to desire you and do all your work for you. That's not their job; at least not initially. YOU have to begin this process and that's why you're failing here.

I strongly urge you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get this education under your belt. It's not difficult to do all the things I've mentioned so far (and frankly, many more) but there's no simple, convenient place to learn these skills other than by trial-and-error or via the books. Today, nobody teaches them!

Bottom line: there's no reason why you should be confused or suffering with a lack of success. The key element you’re missing is just a little education.

Best regards...
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at Follow me on Facebook ( and Twitter (

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Author's Bio: 

Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. He has written 14 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on 3 others. He's also written hundreds of articles, answered over 30,000 reader/viewer questions and has been on over a thousand radio and TV shows. "Dr. Dennis" is funny, direct and intuitive and has a unique ability to get right to the heart of the issue.

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