Husband Blames Me For Ruining His Life: I Get Blamed For Everything In My Relationship

So often, I hear from people who tell me that either their spouse is blatantly telling them that he just isn't happy or his actions have made this so obvious that it is just impossible to ignore. Many of these folks feel that this is a little unfair because not everything that their spouse is unhappy about has anything to do with them or with their marriage. For example, he may not like his job. He may not like aging. But how is this his wife's fault?

So I may hear a comment like: "my husband just turned fifty. He told me that he absolutely did not want a party or any big deal made about this. He is not someone who makes a big deal out of birthdays and this has always been the case with him. So, as he wished, I didn't make a huge deal when his fiftieth birthday rolled around. I was going to take he and the kids out to dinner and I made him a huge cake. On his birthday, he texted me from work and said that he realized how meaningless his life was and that it hurt him that his wife didn't care about his birthday. I was flabbergasted. Obviously, I do care. He seemed to get over that, but ever since his birthday he's been moping around saying how awful it is to get older and how he's not as far along in his career as he would like. He says his body can't perform like it used to and he gets tired and injured more quickly. When he says these things, he pulls away from me as if all of this is my fault. I feel that this is unfair. I've been trying to do things to cheer him up, but it seems as if he is absolutely determined to be miserable. I am worried about what his unhappiness means for our marriage. But then when I really think about this, it makes me realize how unfair all of this. I don't hold my husband responsible for my happiness. That is my responsibility, not his. So why do I feel so responsible when he is unhappy? And is it right for me to feel this way?"

I hear this quite a bit, especially from women. I think that is natural and normal to feel responsible for the well being and happiness of our entire family because we are natural caregivers. However, this can take a toll on us if it is taken too far. Our actions alone can't ensure that those we love will never feel disappointment, frustration, or pain. This is inevitable in life. We can't live our loved ones' lives for them. And even if we could, this would not ensure that they are never unhappy.

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Here is my take on this. As a spouse who cares about your partner, what you can reasonably be expected to do is to provide a nurturing, secure, and upbeat home life that promotes happiness. You want your presence and your home to be and conducive to happiness. You want your family to know that you deeply love and support them. You want to encourage your loved ones to prioritize their own well being and you want to encourage them to change things or to seek help if they are not as happy as they would like to be.

But at the same time, you certainly can not be expected to shoulder the burden if something goes wrong at school or at work. You certainly can't deal with the pitfalls that come with aging for your husband, although you can reassure him that you still love him just as much as in previous years and that you still find him very attractive regardless of any number on the calendar year.

If you do all of this and he still thinks he is unhappy, then it's important to address this. And one reason for this is that it is not uncommon for people to begin to blame their spouses for everything that is going wrong. This can most definitely affect your marriage, which isn't fair to you.

I'd suggest a comment like: "I hope that you don't mean this. I love you and of course I want your birthday to be special, but I thought that I was following your wishes. If I was wrong in doing that, then I'm very sorry. I know that aging isn't always a lot of fun and I'll do what I can to help you to minimize this, but I think it's important to embrace the life that we have in front of us, because not everyone has this luxury. Is there anything that I can do to make this better for you?"

You ask this question in the hopes that, once he really thinks about this, he will see that your role in this is very limited. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. You can't have any control over his job frustrations. You can only provide the most loving support and home environment that you can manage and stress to him that you have his back and are there to talk and listen if he needs it.

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Want to know ways to reignite the spark in your marriage? The majority of marriages go through certain generally identifiable stages. For instance, most of us have heard the phrase, "The honeymoon is over."

One time, after the marriage had been in effect for a short while, the wife said, "Honey, I'm cold!"

Then he went and turned up the thermostat.

With a twinkle in her eye,she said, "Well, the honeymoon must be over," meaning that he would usually give her a hug when she made such statements in the past.

It is true that we go through stages.

There is the excitement of the "pursuit" stage before the marriage.

Then there is the honeymoon stage.

But, after a while, life gets in the way, doesn't it? Pressures come. Children may enter into the equation. Job demands claim our time, etc.

Then, we also can become so predictable. Some would say that we get in a rut.

What are some ways we can reignite the sparks in our marriages?

Here are three of them:

1. Go on a date.

Yes, going on a date can restore some excitement to your marriage. But, don't make it just any date. Give some thought to doing something different. After having a few special dates, then you can go back to some more regular type dates. Those would be dates that are not fancy, but they are just special occasions set aside for you to spend time with each other.

For best effect, even on your regular dates, though, try to add some variety to what you do. Go to different places. Even date at home. Play a game. Rent a movie. Try to plan for some different things. Just get away from boredom.

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2. Develop new habits.

Here is one that doesn't sound particularly exciting because it is not really spontaneous. Yet, it has helped many marriages.

You have probably heard about the man and woman who went to a counselor about their marriage. The counselor, who was a man, grabbed the wife and gave her a kiss, slightly prolonged, right on the lips. The wife was surprised and embarrassed, but the counselor was trying to get the husband's attention.

Then the counselor said, to the husband, "See, she needs that at least three times a week!"

To which the husband replied, "Well, I guess I can bring her in on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

The point is that there are certain things that husbands and wives can do for each other that are important and are done just because they need to be done, but they are not particularly spontaneous.

For instance, if you are not already doing this, before one or the other of you leaves for work, just grab your spouse and kiss him or her. If you have not been in the habit of doing this, he or she may wonder what is going on. The same, when you come home or your spouse comes home, give him or her a kiss and ask how the day went. Just make this a habit. (Then, when a spontaneous time comes, it will be even less difficult to act on that idea.)

Find habits that will please your spouse, and just do them--even if they same to be mechanical actions at first.

3. Keep learning all you can about your spouse.

Before you were married, you tried to find out everything you could about your spouse--the likes and dislikes, the interests. Don't think you have learned it all because you are now married.

You married a very complex creature. Make it a lifetime project to keep learning about your spouse. This very attention directed toward your spouse can rekindle some of your former feelings.

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If the dynamic of your marriage has changed recently it may have left you wondering whether or not the man you're sharing your life with, is still crazy about you. Since most men are not an open book when it comes to their feelings, many women are left wondering whether or not their husband still feels the same way about them as he did on their wedding day. If you sense that he's drifting away from you and you don't want to even entertain the thought of a divorce, there are steps you should be taking now. There are effective ways to make your husband fall madly in love with you again. Once you understand what these are, you have the power to completely transform your relationship.

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One of the ways to make your husband fall madly in love again is to become something of a mystery to him. It's difficult to be elusive when you live day-to-day with someone but men can become bored when they realize they know everything there is to know about their woman. Get yourself busy trying something new whether it's taking up a new exercise routine or volunteering. The more interesting you become, the more interesting your husband will find you. Transforming yourself can actually make him fall deeper in love with you.

Another of the ways to make your husband fall madly in love with you is to make him feel special again. Most of us don't even realize when we first start to take our husbands for granted. We become so immersed in being good mothers and chasing our career goals, that our husband, his interests and needs take a backseat. Tell him everyday how much you truly love him and start doing small things for him that illustrate that. It can be something as simple as making his favorite breakfast or planning an evening out. Just ensure that he knows that there isn't another man alive you'd rather be with. If he knows, deep down in his heart, that he's the only man you love, he'll love you even more.

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You wouldn't believe how many married women ask this question; "what do you do when your husband doesn't love you anymore?" I feel for them (and you) as I have lived this situation. I know that it's so hard to continue living with a person who has lost all his feelings for you. This is not the time to let go - it is time to act. Maybe you could think that there's nothing you can do to avoid a divorce, but trust me - there is. I have saved my marriage from this situation and made everything better than they ever were - and so can you.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Of course, when your husband doesn't love you anymore, this is not an easy situation to take. You are confused, sad, desperate and many more things at the same time. In my experience, even though I had seen it coming, it was a devastating blow to me nonetheless. Maybe you are inclined to think that there is a new woman in your husband's life, but usually this is not the case (most men treat their wives even better in guilt, when there's another woman in their lives). What's really happening is, you are changing. Your husband married a woman but ended up with another. If you really want to avoid a divorce and want to make your husband love you again, it's time to change. No, I don't mean that you should change into a completely new personality. You should just change back into the woman you had been when you were first married.

To make your husband love you again, you definitely need to show him that you are not taking him for granted. This is a very negative thing that happens in so many marriages. After the papers are signed, one side might start taking the other for granted, and this kills the love. This can be the reason your husband doesn't love you anymore. You need to act in order to make your husband believe that you are not taking him for granted. Every day, spare some time to just focus on your husband, and make him feel loved and adored. Compliment him and thank him for everything he has brought in your life.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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