Husband Has Feelings For Another Woman: When Your Spouse Loves Someone Else

You were suspicious well before you were certain.

Your spouse changed but you couldn't quite put your finger on the changes in a way that appeared to make sense to other people. You thought that you were reading into things or being insecure. Then you started to vacillate, worrying that you must be right but telling yourself that surely you weren't. When you asked questions, the answers seemed a little too slick, too rehearsed. Sometimes your questions hit harder and your spouse reacted with anger or sarcasm, telling you that you're paranoid. If you suspected a particular person, your spouse reassured you that there was nothing happening and that this person is a friend...maybe even your friend...and it wasn't fair to think that about them.

Finally, you made the discovery. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails, found a note in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told you about it. When you confronted, denial reigned.

But not forever.

Eventually, your spouse told you that it's over between the two of you. They were in love with the other person. Get ready for divorce. Cooperate and they will make things simple for you. Refuse to cooperate and you will find yourself in a bloody legal battle. Maybe your spouse cajoled, or threatened, in a concerted effort to keep you from telling anyone what had happened. Your mate did everything possible to keep you from talking to your church leaders, their boss, your family, your in-laws, and possibly even your best friend. Secrecy helped them, not you, but because you thought there could be a chance to keep things peaceful and possibly stop this nightmare, you let yourself to be manipulated.

Maybe your cheating spouse had a time of hesitation. They tried to stop the affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the paramour found a way to get to your mate, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that he or she will never be fulfilled without them. If your spouse went back to the affair the second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.

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By the time you ended your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible scenario. Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your spouse. They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right and forfeit fulfillment. They might even have heard the startling news that God Himself sent the lover and that He wants them to be together. Or, they might have heard that your spouse no longer believes what they once believed, so the church folks may as well go bother someone who buys into their silliness.

Hopeless?

No.

The fact is that even in these situations a probability exists that the marriage can be saved and, with time, made healthy again. That may sound Pollyannaish, but I've personally witnessed it repeatedly since 1994.

A straying partner who has convinced him- herself that life will be thrilling with the new person seldom decides they should take another run at saving the marriage. It's much more likely that the abandoning spouse will avoid anything that might convince them to stop the new relationship and work on the marriage. However, I've witnessed case after case in which those marriages were saved, sometimes even after the divorce happened. One couple reunited after being divorced for ten years! I don't mean to give false hope. There are some marriages that are doomed and no matter what happens, will end and never be saved. On the other hand, for many years I've seen the salvaging of marriages that seemingly everyone else has given up on.

Admittedly, I become frustrated with leaders or counselors who too quickly encourage the abandoned spouse to accept that it's over and move on. Yes, that advice is sound when hope is gone. However, my experience is that too often we make premature judgments about how hopeless a circumstance might be. I'll make another admission; I've gone through marriage intensives with couples that at the end I would have predicted there was no way they would heal their marriage. Yet I saw it work out.

Miracle?

I think that's a good word to use.

For example, recently a married couple who came through our intensive workshop for marriages in crisis shared an incredible story. Though highly involved in their church, she had become too close to another church member and that had slowly led to adultery. Neither meant for it to happen. No one went looking for that kind of relationship. Like so many others they didn't understand the danger and forged ahead with a friendship that was destined to become a passion. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path, they were so infactuated with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for everyone - spouses, children, etc. - was to divorce their spouses and marry each other. The night she told her husband her plans, the emotion was so intense that soon she was in a deep sleep. He interpreted that as her not caring. The real cause of her deep sleep was the depth of her emotional state. Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her sleeping body. He prayed that God would somehow reduce or remove the emotions she had for the other man.

The following day she awoke with the realization that she wanted to save her marriage and wanted very much to get past the feelings she had for her lover. Shortly thereafter they were in my workshop to learn how it happened, how to heal it, and how to grow in love like they never had before.

That's the only time I've heard the story work just that way.

More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the cheating spouse reacts callously. They don't want to see the error of their actions. They don't want to face the guilt of their wrongdoing. They seek any counsel that empathizes with their position and gives any encouragement whatsoever.

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Ask Yourself This Question

Before giving up on a cheating spouse, it would behoove you to ask, "Is my spouse a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing?"

Good people sometimes do really stupid things. However, if at heart they are good people, they are worth rescuing. It's your choice, of course, and you can tell your straying spouse to leave and never return. Or, if he or she is a good person involved in a bad situation, you can fight to save your marriage. Our experience is that if a good person gets straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more loving than it was before.

Things NOT to Do

If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to manipulate you in any way. Don't make things easy. Slow things down and drag things out even if it makes them angry. Time is on your side, especially if you continually pray for God to intercede and bring trials and tribulations into the sinful relationship.

At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It makes you less attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows leaving you. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your life will go on and you will prosper if they don't come back.

This is very, very important.

When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no compulsion to do right. When they see that you can live happily without them, you become more attractive.

Things to Do

Take care of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Your life will not end if your marriage ends. God will still be here. He will still love you. Other people in your life who cared about you will still care about you. No matter how much you love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. The time to take care of you is NOT after the chaos has ended. You must do it now. It benefits you. It benefits your family. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot do it for only that reason.

When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention. There are time-tested and proven ways to do interventions. You cannot be part of the actual intervention, so pick people that he or she respects or cares about. If your children are old enough, add them to the group; they make great interveners.

Make an offer of some benefit that will come to your straying spouse if he or she agrees to try at least one thing to save the marriage. Pray for wisdom as to what may motivate your spouse. Our experience is that they are unlikely to agree to a lengthy counseling period, but likely will agree to come to a three-day marriage intensive. People have come to our workshop to salve their consciences, to get their church leaders off their backs, to make the children happy, to get a better deal in the divorce, and more. Are those good reasons to come? Any reason is a good reason. For over a decade our success record is three out of four couples, even for those who did not want to be there and for those who came while madly in love with someone else.

Whether you use our services, a counselor full of faith, a minister, or any other help, do something. If you have a desire to save your marriage, act. Having a pity party does nothing good for you or anyone else. You cannot make your spouse do right, but you can make yourself get out of the dumps and back on the road of faith in the God who speaks universes into existence. He will not abandon you, even if your spouse does.

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Marriage at one time was considered by large numbers of people to be a cherished institution. However, in recent years, marriage and people's perception of marriage, has changed and it no longer is held in high regard, which may be one explanation of an increased divorce rate.

In our modern world, is saving marriage worth the effort, and if it is, how do we make saving it happen?

Let us talk quite bluntly about the institution of marriage as it formally existed. At one time it was almost impossible to get a divorce and it was indeed a lifelong commitment, which if you'll think about it wasn't necessarily a good idea.

An abused wife is a good example, she rarely had no other option but to bear the abuse.

That wasn't a good thing about marriage in the past and one thing that led to divorce laws being loosened as time progressed.

Purists would I'm sure agree, that marriage isn't always a good thing and that in some instances, a marriage can and should be dissolved ( check your Bible, adultery is considered grounds for a divorce).
On another point, it makes no common sense to allow people to treat marriage like a revolving door, marrying and divorcing for frivolous reasons.

On to saving marriage.

Rightfully speaking, if you're married, your marriage is very important to you. Saving marriage, may have a more personal meaning to you, however, if your going through a rough time with your partner in your relationship.

You'll be more interested in ways of saving your marriage, but you may not even consider saving the institution of marriage at all.

Keeping couples together is how to achieve saving marriage, except in the rare exceptions when a couple just are not compatible. Couples facing tough challenges within their relationship needn't worry themselves about the institution of marriage.

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Every marriage counts, so couples should be focusing their energy on fixing their marriage,

If you're a happily married couple, it would be great if you could help other couples get through any rough areas they're having difficulty with.

Shifting the collective attitude is the most difficult thing to overcome when saving marriage. People need to respect people being married.

How?

Answering the question of how is never easy, but we need a starting point. Having a deep respect for marriage is a great first step. Forget the dirty and off colored jokes about spouses who cheat, don't refer to one another as "old lady/old man", just care and respect one another.

Having a sense of humor is necessary in a marriage and a relationship, laughter is a great way to get along with one another, but the humor doesn't have to be downgrading or off colored.

A lot of the population of today may think saving marriage is quaint, but marriage has numerous benefits. Studies have shown, for example, that those who are married tend to live longer. Marriage also seems to add a great deal of stability to society.

On the other hand, divorce hurts all involved, both financially and emotionally.

More couples need to make a commitment to making marriage work, not run away at the first sigh of difficulty. This will be a benefit for everybody, as well as, society.

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There are as many reasons for troubled marriages as there are people in them. Surely infidelity is a big one. One partner's selfishness is another. Disrespect for your partner's opinions and feelings will certainly damage a relationship, as will a lack of emotional intimacy, communication and affection. A need to get your own way through control, manipulation or abuse is devastating. The list goes on.

But the number one sign your marriage is in trouble is contempt.

Contempt: the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

No wonder contempt is a red flag for problem marriages. How might someone show contempt? Perhaps you blame or criticize your spouse in such a way that you clearly demonstrate she is inferior and you are superior. Or maybe your tone of voice has a sharp, demeaning edge to it. Even your facial expressions or body movement can betray your contempt. A roll of your eyes at something your spouse says can signal you are so much better, smarter, sharper than he is.

In short, contempt is not a good sign for longevity in marriage.

What Eleanor Roosevelt said is true: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." But if you are married to someone who constantly criticizes you and puts you down, it is tough on your self-esteem. Even more difficult is someone who holds you in contempt because that person feels so superior to you that you do not rate basic human consideration.

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Sometimes, as we discussed last week, people who think themselves superior suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and need help. If you are married to someone with NPD, you may need help as well. When your spouse puts you so beneath him or her that you do not receive even the minimum of respect, it is harmful to you. And, over time, it is this contempt that is the most damaging to the relationship.

If you are in a relationship in which you are treated without respect, you can insist on a certain level of civility or you will withdraw from the conversation. You can tell your spouse that you will not tolerate certain behavior and make sure he or she understands the consequences of the bad behavior.

But if your spouse does not value you or your thoughts, it is tough to change the way he or she thinks. This person, who ostensibly loves you, also knows you well enough to know what hurts you the most. If he or she is deliberately pushing your most painful buttons to control or upset you, you may be able to do little to change the way he or she thinks other than suggest therapy.

One thing you can do for yourself is get help. This act alone may require courage. But keep in mind another quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.

With more and more marriages ending in divorce, now is the time to equip yourself with the necessary skills to identify the root cause of problems within your marriage and more importantly the best methods to get your marriage back on track.

It is so easy to end a marriage, that's why many people do not put the effort in to actually saving their marriage. Remember when you first met. Remember your first kiss and the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation and excitement you felt when you knew you were going to see your love. With a little work, you can both get these feelings back and these reasons and many more is why your marriage is worth fighting for.

I know what you're thinking, you need help and you can't do this alone and marriage counsellors are so expensive. Whatever your marriage is going through, there is alternative help to expensive marriage guidance counsellors. Counsellors are very highly paid listeners. You are paying someone to listen to your problems who will then offer a range of possible solutions. But what is stopping you from becoming an expert?

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No one knows your marriage better than you. There are now excellent save marriage book resources available that have helped save 10,000s of marriages just like yours. A save marriage book will take you by the hand and provide you with the expertise to help you identify the problem with your marriage and also what you should do to make your marriage better.

You do not need expensive counsellors to save your marriage. You have the power within you to do it yourself with a little expert help from a proven save marriage book. Don't you owe it to yourself to try and get the love back you once shared?

Help to save your marriage is out there if you know where to look. A save marriage book will not only save you time and money but will provide you with skills to make your marriage better than it was before

Now Listen Carefully-

Take 2 minutes to visit the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. Yes, you can indeed save your marriage no matter how hopeless the situation seems. Take the right step now and live to enjoy a blissful marriage. I strongly urge you to visit the next page- Click Here

Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com