Husband Is Depressed and Pushing Me Away: Depression and Marriage Breakdown - End This Now!

Being married to a depressed man is hard (to say the least). If he doesn't see it then it is even harder. However even after he does admit to himself and to you that he is suffering from depression the game is not yet over. Read on to discover what you should do when your husband admits that he needs help but is still unwilling to get help.

Dr. James Prochaska called the second stage of people who want to change a bad habit "contemplation". This means that the sufferer of depression is "sitting on the fence". On the one hand they do recognize that they are depressed and that they need help but on the other hand they have some valid reservations to start the therapy. When they are in this "cost vs. benefit" state you should still not try to push them to go for therapy. It is still too early for this.

Some of the common arguments that they will bring up against going to therapy are:

*Expense. This is not a bizarre concern. Therapists and medications are not cheap.

*It will only make things worth. They are afraid that if they begin to tackle their situation things might get worse.

* Social fears. In our society there is a stigma to suffer from psychological disorders. People are not embarrassed and don't keep it quiet that they have high cholesterol or back problems. On the other hands people are very embarrassed to admit that they suffer from depression or other neurological disorders.

*Perfectionism. The suffer might bring up the argument that they are willing to go to someone, but only to someone who is THE expert in treating depressed people. They feel that for all the effort that they have to put in to get better, there is no reason to go anyone but THE best.

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What is your job when your loved one is going through this stage?

* Firstly, DON'T push them to go to therapy yet. You might be so enthusiastic that he finally sees his problem and admits to it that you'll be trying to push him to get help RIGHT NOW. This is a big mistake. If he begins treatment BEFORE he realizes that the benefit (not being depressed) outweighs the cost (the money, the social stigma, the chance of failing) then he won't go through with it and drop out in the middle. When he sees that check going out of the bank, hears an unintentional joke about people going to psychologists, or when it gets tough at the psychologist then he will stop it and won't go back to it for a long time.

* Validate their arguments and tell them that you understand where they are coming from.

*Reassure them that you are not pushing them to anything and that the decision rests in their hand.

* Help him to see how the benefits outweigh the cost. This is done in two ways; to show him how big the benefits are or to point out to him that the costs are not so great as they seem to be.

For instance, if he argues that it is very expensive to go to a therapist then you should point out the cost of NOT going to therapist; the missed work days or the extra help in the house that you need to hire.

If he is scared that others will find out that he is going for treatment then you can help make a plan that it will stay a secret.

If you are having marriage problems and your loved one is holding in the contemplation stage of change, it is very important that YOU stay very patient and don't jump the gun. Hold in your excitement and wait patiently for him to come to the logical conclusion that, at almost all costs, it is worth it worth it for him to fight his depression.

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Over time you have begun to feel like you and your husband are not close anymore. As you read this article you will discover why this is so and what your can do about it. Growing apart is one of the biggest causes of affairs and the problem that marriage councilors see most often. If your marriage is growing apart and you are wondering: "how to get my husband to love me again," then you are in the right place.

Often when a relationship begins to cool a woman will try to show her husband that she loves him. They try to prove they love him so that he will love her again. Usually this conversation and resulting actions are going on only in the wife's head, the husband has no idea what is going on with it and the actions are usually just ignored by him or she will seem clingy. This is not attractive to him and will cause him to withdraw further. The wife will have a blow to her self-esteem and perhaps get started on the road to depression and push him farther away. It is a vicious circle that you don't want to enter.

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To make positive changes we have to understand what is happening first. If you have experienced this scenario then the information above may come as a revelation. This understanding is the first step to fixing things.

So look at your actions and attitude. Have you become clingy, needy, and insecure? Trying to please someone and having no success can trigger all of those feelings. Step back to that confidant, adventurous woman who you were (and still are) when he fell in love with and married you. As you do this the marriage should begin to warm again and as it does he will likewise begin to warm. If he doesn't, talk to him and try to understand what else might be going on.

Often it is a small thing or misunderstanding that begins to create hurt and anger; a small thing that can fester and become a huge barrier: you've got to break this cycle in order to fix your marriage and get back the love that you deserve. The resentment, hurt, and anger will even put a damper on sexual desire and getting each other into bed is important to a happy marriage, and important to be able to get your husband to love you again.

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Men say that they are rational and that women are emotional. Women, however, believe that men are half-deaf and that they are the rational ones. This is one of the reasons that some marriages seem to self-destruct. Men and women simply have different ways of communicating! Ladies, if you'd like to save your marriage, follow these simple steps and you can save a marriage that is struggling or make a good marriage even stronger.

1) Change the Way You Talk

Men speak differently than women do, which means that they hear things differently as well. My friend Jenny once said to her husband that she missed having another couple to spend time with and he thought that she meant she was bored with being with him. It may be totally irrational to ladies, but it makes sense to men.

While a man's ego is in his pants, his insecurities are in his ears, and he can hear things that you never say or mean. Make sure that he understands what you are saying, and if he misunderstands, change the way you're saying it so that he gets it correctly.

2) Talk to His Buddies

If your relationship is rocky, talk with his buddies. While a woman's best friends may have a hard time telling their friend's husband about his wife's problem, a man's best friend usually doesn't.

Talk with them and try to figure out what his real take is on the relationship. Chances are you will hear that your husband has been saying glowing things about you, as men can more easily talk to their friends than they can to their wives.

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3) Be "Wifely"

In this modern day and age women often expect men to do at least half of the housework. The problem comes when a woman takes her husband for granted and allows him to do almost everything around the house.

No matter how busy you are, or how frustrated or tired you are, take a few minutes out to be "wifely". If he's lounging on a chair, ask him if he'd like a drink. If he takes a lunch to work and usually makes his own, make one for him every once in awhile. It may seem like a small thing, but trust me, it will be greatly appreciated.

4) Show Him Your Desires

A man likes nothing better than to know that his wife desires him. Show him how much you desire him. Take him dancing and dance close with him like you used to do. Take a shower together and bump up against him.

Men, like women, like to feel desired, so make sure that your man knows how much you desire him.

5) The Way to His Heart

What is the way to your man's heart? Is it through sports, or is it through food? Rediscover the way to your man's heart and join him on his quest to enjoy it. If he loves sports, try to get involved. If he enjoys food, learn how to cook some gourmet food together.

If he is into reading, read the same book and discuss it between the two of you. Most men enjoy having their wives with them, so find ways to be together.

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6) Sex Isn't Everything

Here's where we go against everything that most women learn at an early age. Yes, most men do enjoy sex, however, they often enjoy it much more when it's withheld for awhile. Instead of jumping right into bed, especially if you're fighting, abstain for a bit.

Take time instead to touch, cuddle, and talk to one another. It may frustrate your man in the beginning, but sooner than later he'll realize what you're doing and why and will come to appreciate you more. Men like to be held too, so curl up against his back at night and hold him.

7) Tell Him Everything

As I've said before, men often hear things that their wife never said. Their imagination tends to go wild and they start thinking that their wife no longer loves them or finds them attractive.

This is because men are a lot more fragile than they'd ever have you believe. Instead of hiding things from him "just to make it easier", tell him everything. Don't hide anything from him. If you're thinking about going shopping with another couple, tell him.

If you want to purchase a new dress, talk about it. The more you inject him into your life, the more he'll be able to relax about the relationship.

Men are just as difficult to understand as women. Unlike women, they hide their feelings because they believe it to be the "manly" thing to do. If you want to save your marriage, don't let him hide. Give him all of yourself and make him give all of himself so that your marriage can survive.

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