Husband Said Hurtful Things I Can't Get Over: What To Do When Your Husband Says Hurtful Things

Do you sometimes feel you might be in a verbally abusive marriage? Is your husband nice, kind and polite on a certain social level, but the way he treats you in private leaves you wondering if it's not abuse? Have you tried talking to him about it and you got nowhere?

It invariably happens in every relationship at one time or another. We say something a little nastier than we'd originally intended and end up hurting the other person's feeling, but how can you tell when it's an innocent slip up and just that person's way of dealing with situations.

Being in a verbally abusive marriage is not a trivial matter. Though it may not leave any physical scars on your body, the scars it can leave on you psyche can be far more painful and long lasting. Here's how you can tell if you in a verbally abusive marriage or not.

Cold Shoulder

We've all done it; in the heat of an argument we turn away from our partner and shut down. We no longer want to talk and we can even pout and brood a bit. But when a partner shuts down entirely, walks out, slams the door and then resents you because of the argument for days on end, you're inching towards a verbally abusive marriage.

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Disregarding Harsh Responses

Lashing out is frequent and the nastiness that spews can be shocking, but it usually ends with a sincere apology and a concerted effort to keep it from happening again. However, if you man has verbally slapped you with a slew of insults, most of which you are far from deserving, and he then acts as though nothing has happened, this could spell trouble.

Calling you names then waving away the effect it has on you is unacceptable.

Just a Joke

It's an easy cop out. We say something extremely painful to the other person then shrug and call it a joke. By definition a joke is supposed to be funny and is intended to make all the parties laugh. If he's pointing out how stupid you were to have done a particular act then claiming it's just a joke he's really just trying to make himself look innocent all while still slamming you. This can be a sign of a verbally abusive marriage.

Let's Talk About Something Else

Men who enjoy being verbally abusive will sometimes seek out a topic to argue about. Even if you've done everything well and right, he'll look for something to pick at. So when you politely ask how his day went, he'll turn to you with a response like, "What, are you checking up on me again?"

Anything will get them going and there's literally no way of avoiding an argument. No matter what you say, he'll find fault in it.

Hearing about physically battered women out there, you might think that being in a verbally abusive marriage isn't all that bad. Many women will even say, "Well, at least he never hits me." Being constantly put down and verbally harassed can end up having serious side effects on how you feel about yourself. Don't ignore it.

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Are you looking for advice on how to save your marriage? There might be loads of things required to take your marriage back to the way things once were. But here are 5 things you can do right now and set your marriage on that road to recovery.

Cool Off and Talk About it.

To save your marriage from divorce, you will need to find a way to talk about your problems. It is important to talk about your differences, so set aside a period when you can talk without disturbance.

Take your kids to your folks or hire a sitter and go out to talk things over. Make sure you do not talk when emotions are still high. Things will only end in anger, frustration and grief..

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

Sometimes, all problems that threaten a marriage are not only between you and your partner. Issues from the past have been known to complicate relationships.

If there are any such problems, work on them. Do not allow pride cloud your judgment. Never make decisions in the present based on things that happened in the past.

Keep your eye on the ball. Always identify the problems at hand and never assign blame or make excuses for your actions. Taking responsibility and looking for a way forward is a great step towards saving a marriage from divorce.

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Seek Advice

Take time to mull things over. Gather your thoughts and seek advice from friends and family. People with happy marriages. Never seek advice from individuals who are divorced or in unhappy relationships. Even when they mean no harm, their words of encouragement could pose a danger.

Remember the good times and what you like about your spouse. Let that spur you to address the challenges in your relationship.

Quality Time Works

Though it might seem hard, spend time with each other. When a marriage hits the rocks, the next thing is for a wedge to drive you and your spouse apart. This worsens your relationship. Find something you both enjoying doing and do it together.

Make sure your emotions are in check before you go out together. The occasion is meant to bridge your relationship and not blow what is left of it to bits.

Marriage is no Magic

Marriage requires work and patience. There are no quick fixes and miracles do not happen in a day. So do not expect things too soon or give up easily. Make sure you get started in the right direction and have the emotional strength to keep going.

Return the spark back to your marriage., learn to take it one step at a time and you can save your marriage from divorce.

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Everyone experiences painful feelings from time to time. This is a normal part of the human experience, just as joy and excitement are part of being human. Times of sorrow, grief, despair and fear are unavoidable. In spite of the fact that experiencing these painful feelings is normal, many of us have spent a lifetime trying to avoid feeling them.

When painful feelings come, we want them to go away. Some people try to push these feelings down by blinking back the tears. Others try to move away from the pain by focusing on something else, constantly keeping busy, or trying to convince themselves they are being irrational. Some people try to numb the pain in a more extreme way, by using drugs or alcohol. Still others allow only their anger to come out by becoming physical, yelling, or demeaning others while suppressing painful feelings.

Unfortunately, there is a major drawback to avoiding feelings. The risk is that, without getting the painful feelings out, they will remain inside of us. Instead of experiencing these feelings and moving on, we hold them inside and carry them around while they show up again and again. These painful feelings may be present every day disguised as chronic anger, chronic illness, stoicism, depression, and/or anxiety. Unrelated events may trigger the painful feelings we have avoided. Can you think of a time when your reaction was much greater than the situation warranted? How many times have you and your spouse gotten into a huge argument about something "so stupid" or that later you couldn't even remember what you were arguing about? These irrational responses were buried painful feelings that came rushing out after being triggered by a "small" event.

We were all born with the capacity to experience all of our feelings, however, many of us learned to bottle them up. Think back to the messages you picked up as a child. Your parents, your peers, or the media may have said, "Boys don't cry." "Cheer up. It's OK." or "There's nothing to be afraid of." Your caregivers may have communicated similar messages non-verbally, with a look or gesture that showed disapproval. Or perhaps the people you grew up with didn't show or talk about their feelings. For example, you may have never seen your parents cry or get angry.

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In spite of the messages we may have received, it is important to experience your painful feelings. You can tolerate feeling them. It may be a scary experience, but you will survive it. Feeling sorrow, fear, and despair at times is normal and okay. It is necessary to experience these feelings so they can be released. And, you can decide how to release them.

The first step in experiencing painful feelings is to notice what is going on inside of you. Identify what it is you are feeling by naming it. Is it disappointment, grief, fear, loneliness, rejection, shame or another feeling? If it is anger you identify, notice what other feelings are underneath the anger. Pay attention to what is going on inside your body. Are there areas of tension, pain or other sensations? These sensations are where the feelings live in your body. The next step is to find a safe way to express the feelings. Healthy ways to release your feelings are by:

• talking about your feelings with someone who'll listen to you, such as a spouse, friend, or therapist,
• writing about the feelings,
• creating music or art,
• sitting with the feelings with your attention turned toward them, or
• crying.

I am not suggesting that you should turn toward the sadness and feel sad the rest of your life or that you should feel the fear and it overcomes your life. Rather, experience the pain and move forward. Amazingly, most feelings only last an average of six minutes!

Even though you may have received messages that painful feelings are not okay, all humans were born with the ability to feel the whole range of our emotions from elation to despair. Figuring out how to to do this is an important part of growing into a mature adult. Life becomes much more peaceful and joyful when we notice how we're really feeling, release it, and move on.

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It is natural that over time any relationship can go through periods of difficulty. If you and your spouse seem to be spending more time arguing than being civil, it is essential that you seek out advice relating to help with marriage problems. There can be many reasons why disagreements flare up, understanding the true nature of the issues is the first step towards bringing about an effective solution.

In many relationships, issues can be put down to a lack of communication. If you and your partner do not sit down together to discuss any issues or concerns, it should not come as a surprise when arguments become common place. You both need to find a time each day to address any issues that have arisen.

It is essential to be a good listener as well as expressing what is on your mind. Do not take your partner's views as being insulting, instead try to see the situation through their eyes. The better you can communicate, the greater the chance there would be of having a long and happy relationship.

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Help with marriage problems can be given by a trained counsellor. When we are caught up in the middle of an emotional relationship, it can be difficult to take a step back and see the bigger picture. By attending professional counselling, you can be provided information that would allow you to understand were the issues may actually lie. Also, when attending a counsellor's premises, you will be on neutral territory so it is easier to speak your mind.

When was the last time you and your partner spent quality time alone together? If it has been many years since you last took a vacation, a trip away may aid in renewing lost love. If you have kids, ask a friend or relative to take care of them for a few days while you have a romantic weekend.

Apart from taking a trip away, you can also try to do more activities together in your own neighborhood. If you have a shared hobby, for example a certain sport or pastime, it can be used as a way to strengthen the bond.

When searching for help with marriage problems, it is vital to address the issues head on. If you have worries and anxieties over the state of your relationship, do not hide these away, as by doing so no solution will be found.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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