I am in a FOG!

Could You Clarify that for me? I am in a FognBy Elaine Gaithernn n"The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"-nGeorge Bernard ShawnCommunication is taking place all the time. The real question is, are we truly hearing the message the way the sender intended? Clarification can be a great communication tool for anyone to use. Clarification means that you are restating or reiterating what has been said, what you heard, or what you thought you heard. Getting clarity shows a few thingsn n 1. That you are really (actively) listeningn 2. That you care enough to know the meaning of what is being saidn 3. That you are getting the message correctlyn 4. You are NOT drawing conclusionsn nClarity brings honesty to the conversation. "Did I hear you correctly"? or "What I thought I heard you say was..." I have to go into my personal arsenal (hey, I am not picking on anyone else) for a wonderful example of this.n nOne day, my oldest son (who you probably feel that you know by now), came home from High School. It was Homecoming day of his Jr  year. He ran into the house yelling,"Mom, you won't believe what happened today. My 4 best friends all got expelled for smoking pot!" He of course was totally indignant that the school administration had the nerve. I said "tell me what you said again, only, this time, say it slower". When he said it again he gave me a look like, "I just ratted myself out. I wonder if Mom noticed". I said, "I am really disappointed in your friends. They didn't ask you to go too?"  He said, "Well, I had a major paper due today and I stayed up late, or, I would have been with them too. I guess that I am lucky." (OOOPs, "NOW MOM REALLY KNOWS). n nThat is my best CLARIFICATION  story. "Say it again, slowly."  I really wanted him to hear what he had said.nHere are some good ways to sharpen some clarification skills. This gives the other person a chance to affirm that you heard the message correctly, or state what you might have misunderstood.n • Did I hear you say?n • What I heard you say was...n • So, what you're saying is..nHere is another example: Let's say your teen gets a traffic ticket. Instead of ranting and raving about insurance (which, by the way is our first instinct), try using the clarification skill. Say "You got a ticket huh", which will lead the teen  to explain instead of getting defensive. This leads to more discussion and thus negotiating how the ticket and insurance will be paid, etc. This leads to the solution rather than dwelling on the problem. Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but it is something to aspire to...nArticulating feeling for teens is not easy.  Remember, their brains are not fully developed yet. Here are some easy tips to keep in mind:n • Listen with your 3rd ear-(your instincts) for what is lying beneath their wordsn • Need to reflect back to them what is being saidn • Your reflection may not always be accurate, but if you are understanding and open and in the present, your teen will help you out by correcting your perception.n • Always repeat back to them what is being said before saying anything else or respondingn • Keep it simple-explain what you mean. Don't say," Clean up your room." Say, " I want you to  put clothes in the laundry, I want to see the carpet on  your floor, hang up the wet towels, etc.nHere is to clarifying what you think you heard, and, YES, sometimes, you really DID hear them right the first time!! At least be grateful for ANYTHING  that your teen shares with you...you can get through anything together with open and honest communication:) n n n