I Can’t Stand This! Or Can I?

Like practically all humans, when you greatly don’t like something that is happening to you, you often tend to foolishly insist: “I can’t stand it! I can’t bear it!” But you really can and do. Why? Because, first, if you really couldn’t stand painful events – such as failing to find a good job, being rejected by someone for whom you care, or suffering from a serious illness – you would presumably die of such losses. Maybe you truly can’t stand falling off a high cliff and still survive. But very few things you don’t like will actually kill you. In fact, you rarely say, “I can’t stand it!” when you are referring to physical danger – but mainly to non-dangerous events like rejection. So you can stand practically everything that you don’t at all like.
Second, beliefs – such as “I can’t stand losing this fine job!” or “I can’t bear losing John’s (or Joan’s) love!” – are vast exaggerations. They really mean, “If or when I lose this fine job or lose John’s (or Joan’s) love, as I absolutely must not, I can’t thereafter be happy at all and I must experience only enormous pain and misery practically every minute for the rest of my life!” Well!?! You can probably make this belief true by profoundly believing and acting on it. But is it really true? Do you have to make yourself anguished forever when something seriously goes wrong in your life? You can, of course, but you clearly don’t have to. You can find other enjoyments. If you decide to do so.
Third, whenever you say, “I can’t stand this!” or “I can’t bear that!” you are, in fact, still living and actually standing it. If you say “I can’t stand this job!” or “I can’t tolerate this marriage!” you can plot and plan to leave it. Fine. That’s sensible determination to change the situation. But when you can’t stand it and miserably stay in a job or a marriage, you are actually bearing it and are whining that you can’t bear what in fact you are bearing!
Yes, bad happenings will keep occurring. But you can choose to deal with them and choose to find some other satisfactions. Or you can choose to “not stand” them, still stay, and make yourself needlessly suffer! Also, you can choose to leave a situation which would have been better for you had you stood it and done something to improve it.
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Adapted from HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY AND REMARKABLY LESS DISTURBABLE, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423, www.bibliotherapy.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.