I Can't Tolerate My Husband Anymore: My Marriage Doesn't Work For Me Anymore

Recently, I heard from a woman who had confessed that her marriage "just didn't work" for her anymore. She said: in part: "My marriage used to make me happy and made me a better person. But now it just makes me angry and bitter. I don't like the person that I become when I'm around my husband. I become petty, sarcastic, and miserable. We used to have the same goals but now we want completely different things. I almost feel as though I've outgrown him. What are you supposed to do when your marriage just doesn't work for you anymore? I never thought I would contemplate a divorce, but I guess I am."

When I was able to dialogue a little more with the wife, it became obvious that her marriage had changed after she got a huge promotion at her job. Suddenly, she was working and socializing with what she called "an upwardly mobile" class of people. Her ambition was heightened and she very much embraced this change in lifestyle. Her husband, however, didn't. But the wife saw his apprehension toward the lifestyle and took that as a rejection of her.

She swore she didn't care, but I suspected this wasn't true. If she didn't care or wasn't somewhat invested, then why was she searching for information on the internet and why did she need for me to comment on her decision? The truth is, when people are at peace with their decisions or know that their marriage has come to a natural end, they don't need any one else's approval or guidance. That was not the case here. In the following article, I'll tell you some of the feedback that I gave this wife.

If You're Marriage Isn't Working For You, Have You Asked Yourself How Much You've Worked On It?: One of my first questions to this wife was what she had done to address her concerns. She admitted that she hadn't done anything because she suspected that any of her efforts would be a waste of time. She was pretty sure that she and her husband just weren't compatible anymore, so her position was that she really shouldn't bother.

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The thing was, the wife was never going to know if her marriage could be improved or saved if she never made any efforts on its behalf. When I told her this, she admitted that she just didn't know what to do or where to begin. In her mind, anything she tried was going to fail because her husband didn't see things in the way that she did.

I told her that this may well turn out to be true, but she wasn't even giving him the chance to confirm or deny her suspicions. She was making assumption that may have been absolutely false. If the roles were reversed, would she want for him to make assumptions about her based on his perceptions that she wasn't sophisticated or ambitious enough to make a real effort?

Making Your Marriage Work For You Rather Than Allowing It To Work Against You: After a bit of dialog, it become obvious that the wife's real concern was that the marriage was going to hold her back and keep her from getting the things that she wanted out of life. She worried that her coworkers wouldn't approve of her husband. I had to remind her that we were talking about her life and her marriage, and not that of her coworkers.

In truth, the only two people who needed to enter this equation were the two of them. And in reality, the husband hadn't made any attempt to hold the wife back. Admittedly, he didn't involve himself in her job or career, but I suspected it was because he knew that she had concerns and he was in self preservation mode. In situations like this, people often base their actions on their assumptions. The husband could very well have assumed that his wife was ashamed of him and this was fueling his actions and lack of involvement. The wife, in turn, misinterpreted it and took it to mean that her husband was rejecting her new lifestyle.

Neither one of these things were necessarily true. But, neither of them were ever going to know if they continued to dance around the issues rather than address them directly. I suggested that the wife share some of concerns and see how the husband responded. She had not yet given him this opportunity, so in truth, she had no idea how he was going to respond.

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I also asked her if her marriage was really dependent upon her husband completely immersing himself into her new lifestyle. Nothing said it was necessary for him to become 100% involved in her career. He wasn't asking this of her. And, he could be supportive of and happy for her without needed to be totally involved in each and everything she did. Many marriages are able to do this on a daily basis.

I suspected that the real issues wasn't the job, the couple's social status, or even their personalities. The issue was the wife's perception that they didn't want the same things. But, the wife was looking at this very literally. Because in truth, most people do want the same things. They want to be happy. They want to feel loved. And they want to feel as if their actions give them some control over their life and their own experiences. Now, the methods that they used to reach these things may differ depending on values and personality. But most people really do want the same things. How they attempt to get there will vary.

You Can't Expect For Your Marriage To Fulfill Every Aspect Of Your Life: I see this mistake happen a lot. Sometimes, when people aren't happy in one area of their life, they project this unhappiness onto the marriage. Sometimes, they will take it so far as to get a divorce. But eventually, they look around and wonder why they still aren't happy. The thing is, the only thing they changed was their marital status. And since they were projecting all of their problems onto the marriage, but never addressed the real problems, they are still unhappy and getting the same results because the same old problems remain.

It's unfair to expect your marriage or your spouse to fulfill you in every way or to be completely compatible with every aspect of your varied personality. It's perfectly fine to keep some areas of your life separate from your marriage. That's what additional friendships and other outlets are for. Nothing said that this couple couldn't continue to have a fulfilling marriage even if their careers were quite different from one another.

So, I suppose my answer to the wife's question of whether she should seek a divorce if the marriage was no longer working for her would be not until she had done everything in her power to see what issues she was projecting on the marriage and then attempting to fix them. This is only my opinion, but I've seen countless marriages evolve from one that just "isn't working" to one that is working quite well.

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The qualities of a healthy marriage for one couple may be totally different than they are for the next. What really matters is that your marriage has the right mix of qualities that are right for the two of you. If you feel you may be missing something, you may want to look at the values you and your spouse share or possibly do not share. Shared values are important because if you are not on the same page resentment may start to creep into your daily lives.

When I first started my online business, I don't think my husband was really on board with my idea. He was happy with the status quo and not ready to give up some of the time that the two of us were spending together. Educating my husband about the value of running your own business quickly turned his mind around and helped him understand the value that I hold in owning my own business. Is my spouse as excited about my business as I am, no, but he understands that value that I uphold in becoming an entrepreneur.

Whether or not to have children is also a value that many couples may disagree on. Too many times you see a wife decide to get pregnant in a last ditch attempt to save a troubled marriage and most of the time this last ditch effort fails. Children are a big step for a couple to take and discussing the right time to have a child is extremely important in order to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. My husband and I have decided that if children happen, then it was meant to be and we have been on that same page from the start. This is a value that the two of us have always shared.

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Naturally speaking, I can't think of anyone that would call suffering a blessing whether or not in disguise! Suffering is anything but pleasant! Suffering comes in many forms. It could be unfulfilled needs, deferred hopes and dreams, the ending of a significant relationship, or loss of a loved one. Easily, we might agree that death is preferable to suffering. The day in and day out grinding thought of being separated from something we need or desire is intolerable compared to the finality of death.

Deep within the folds of suffering I am discovering a blessing in disguise. It is the blessing of being present. God is trying to get me to be here and now. That is, He desires that I am aware and fully present in "now". This is where God is. This is where He lives. This is where He works. In fact to God, "Now" is all there is. To have all of our willing and choosing parts in the same place, focused on one moment called now is powerful! It is life at its core and life to the fullest. So much is happening inside of now! So much we miss!

Consider that without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). In Hebrews 11:1, Paul tells us exactly what type of faith is required to relate to God and conduct His business in the earth.

"Now faithis the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

In I Corinthians 13:13, Paul tells us where faith, hope and love reside.

"And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

They reside in "Now". They are only available for us to engage now. The wisdom of Proverbs adds this:

"Now therefore, listen to me, my children; Pay attention to the words of my mouth:" (Proverbs 7:24)

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Proverbs 8:32 adds that we are blessed when we follow His instructions. Cornelius summoned Peter to speak to God's people in Acts 10:30-33. Upon Peter's arrival Cornelius said,

"Now therefore, we are all present before God, to hear all the things commanded you by God."

God speaks to those who are present-those that attend to here and now!

Not to long ago there was a movie called "Peaceful Warrior" (2006). It is a drama about a talented, yet distressed gymnast and Nick Nolte, the man that helps him through his distress. At one point Nolte and the gymnast share the following exchange.

Nolte: Where are you?

Gymnast: Here!

Nolte: What time is it?

Gymnast: Now?

Nolte: What are you?

Gymnast: (At) This moment?

Nolte tells the gymnast, "This moment is the only thing that matters." In other words, the Gymnast's questions were also his answers. How well we would serve God and one another if we remain here and now, in the moment and help others to do the same!

Unfortunately, most of us are either running from our past or consumed with plotting our future. This means that the majority of us are unavailable to attend our present. Suffering has a way of bringing us to a crushing halt. We can know we have reached, "here" when, we will consider things we might not otherwise have considered, when we will listen to people we ordinarily would give the time of day and when the desire for resolve exceeds the desire to maintain our dignity.

It is here that God has greatest access to you-to your heart. And it is here that most cry out to Him.

"I called on the LORD in distress; The LORD answered me and set me in a broad place." (Psalm 118:5)

Four times in Psalm 107 we read,

"Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, And He delivered them out of their distresses." (Psalm 107:6, 13, 19, 28)

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God intends to deliver you in your suffering, not necessarily from your suffering. The blessing I am finding disguised and hidden deep within the creases of suffering is that there really is an unexplainable joy and freedom in the moment called "now". What we call years of suffering, or even a lifetime of suffering is really a gazillion moments, collectively called "now" strung together. Together these moments create an overwhelming sense of pain, despair and powerlessness. However, taken one moment at a time, you will discover that with God's help you can handle it. You can really handle it! Psalm 46:1 reads,

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble."

Nine verses later we read a familiar scripture to many.

"Be still, and know that I am God;"

Paul adds this to the conversation,

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Suffering is undesirable to all. But you can discover Jesus' joy in the midst of the pain by being fully present and immersed in "now". It is truly a fight to remain present in a situation or relationship that is physically, mentally and emotionally painful. But it is a good fight. And a noble one at that!

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We know that there a lot of separated couples living together while waiting for a divorce but some have taken it that step further and stayed together after the divorce was finalized.

Why do they do it?

Live in the same house with an ex married husband or wife when they could be footloose and fancy-free.

People who have businesses together and other combined assets are reluctant to actually divorce, as splitting up everything they own will not afford them the lifestyle they are both used too.

Many people think that couples who are divorced and still living together are chose this path so they could make ends meet. The recession hit families hard with job losses and redundancies being an everyday occurrence. Staying together became for some the only option.

The worlds rich lost a fifth of their wealth in the recession and tightened their belts like everyone else. Their luxury spending on goods and travel was reduced as they were forced to rein in excessive spending.

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Many of these wealthier couple planning to divorce made the decision to continue living together. Their accountant's advice was divorce and you may not have the same lifestyle as before so these couples reluctant for this to happen became part of the worldwide phenomenon called living together in divorce.

No-one want to lose what they have worked for in their lives and the fact is that once you lose it would be extremely hard in these times to get it back. Who can blame any of these couples for holding on tight to everything they own? The governments of this world continually tell us that things are getting better but the truth is it is going to be a long time before individual economies get back on their feet.

It makes no difference how much cash or possessions you have if you are divorced and living together you are merely doing what people do in times of uncertainty. We have had world wars depressions and recessions and each time the people of this planet have found PRACTICAL solutions to the problem at hand. There is no denying we are highly adaptable when the pressure is on.

Couples who are separated or divorced and living together are taking care of their own backyard and this is living proof that when the chips are down people find ways to battle on.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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